It has been four months since my attempt. I feel muzzled and constrained, i have no family except my husband and children, they are too young to understand and i do not ever intend for them to know. There is so much I want to talk about, things and people i expeirenced while in hospital for 20 days. But I have been forbidden to talk about it. My husband has had a long standing rule I am not supposed to say things to him longer than a paragraph. But on this I can not make any reference at all.Ever. He told his family who now publicly ask me about how I could be so selfish and give into the devil. (They are from thr mid west and pride themselves for being religious) I in desperation reached out to another friend who i have had since i was 2. She scolded me and humiliated me, she too as well as the Dr.’s nurses, my husband inlaws, used my kids as a flogging instument to lash at me till I felt as if I were almost raw and bleeding. Of course I loved them, I did not do everything i put in my last post because I was not commited. But why must I be muzzled? Why are my expeirences too shameful to be allow to be spoken of? And why am I so obnoxious that I have to condence everything I say inti a short paragraph. He seems to think that I am a useless moron that has to be kept down, but when I could no longer take the stress and anxiety and tried to escape he became furious. I am not sure why. And no, He said after the first therapist visit that it was too expensive to continue, so I have no therapist.
Why does escape make me a bad person?
Why do they feel justified in their condemnation? Why has no one asked what presipitated it. How it could have been avoided… I have no support system just a cruel rebuke and a stern injunction to be mute.
8 comments
Hey thanatosjoy,
I hear ya…and more than a paragraph. Don’t let me stop you…keep going..let it all out as they say. Oh yeah…and if you get the chance…look up the definition of misogynist…and keep in mind that most religions are patriarchal and misogynistic as well…they’re still trying to get even for matriarchy I guess.
Don’t know enough about your specific situation to make any helpful comments or suggestions…but I’m willing to listen…and I think your writing and self expression is quite intelligent. I will refrain from my usual thousand questions until I know more or my opinion is asked…hahaha.
Here to listen
Peace
Amakua
Thank you very much for your reply, I appreciate it very much. I am not big into religion, I do practice Tao, because I find it the most calming:-)
Hello thanatosjoy…and I know what your name means bye the bye…lol
I did not mean to imply that I am religious…I actually abhor religion much as Jesus did…so yeah…I am Gnostic myself…but I understand “The Way” as well. I have actually studied many world religions, cults, belief systems…hahaha…and since my NDE 12 years ago…well…I settled on the religion of ME…hahaha. Oh yeah…I also took a course in university in Thanatology…hahaha.
Seriously…I am a seven time survivor…also a survivor of child sexual abuse…spousal abuse…well heck…every kind of abuse…the worst being self abuse…sigh. Ah well…I digress.
When did you start to feel this badly? How old are your children? How long have you been in this relationship? See…now you got me asking the nosy questions…hahaha
Peace
Amakua
I have been married 10 years, my children are 6-3, I have had problems for about 8-9 years. But the only medication I was on was 15 of Prozac the last 8 months before I tried to kill myself
Hey thanatosjoy
Prozac? That explains some right there. Really want to talk about this with you …but desperately need a smoke (don’t smoke inside with the kid) and my pain meds…but I promise…brb
Ama
Okay…sorry…much better if frozen..these damn Canadian winters…hahaha
Okey dokey…Prozac. When it first came out on the market I heard good things about it and asked my Dr. if I could try it…as none of the SSRI’s worked for me. He told me it wasn’t a good idea and referred to it as the “what the Fuck Drug”…yup. He said because I struggled with melancholia and suicidal ideation that it would not be a good drug for me…but if I promised to be careful…hahaha…well it wasn’t such a bright idea. What the fuck is right. I wasn’t sad, happy, scared, creative, well heck I wasn’t much of anything…and I didn’t much care…what the fuck. And while on it I really thought that suicide was okay…no one would miss me…what the fuck…you follow me? So you were on the Prozac when you attempted? That makes total sense. Also …did your symptoms worsen with the birth of each child? Looking for a hormone connection here just so you know.
So…what happened in the hospital? I’m listening if you want to talk.
Peace
Ama
I did have some ppd with my first child, but none with my second.
I was admitted after three days in hospital where I almost had to be care flighted.(I used to be a emt amt chose a very efficient method… Dr’s still can not figure out hor my body pulled out of what happened.)
I was told I was disassociated at first. I just remember feeling very quiet and not talking for five days. My husband called several times every day and yelled at the nurses because I was not better. A patient overheard and told me.
They put me on a strong cocktail of 5 different meds, probably because I answered honestly to all their questions. I told them quite calmly I was pissed that my suicide attempt failed, that yes, I was probably going to try again the future, I was sent to see a wonderful therapist who I sat and looked at for a hour. I answered all his questions clearly, but then there would be these very long gaps of silence. I was fine with that, I like silence.
I made a few friends,found people are usually sweet in a mental health facility.
I was there 20 days but did not really start ‘waking up till the eighth day.I was given a lot of paperwork to read when released and some for husband, you guessed it, he never read it. It is irrelevent how sedated the medication makes me, I still must have a perfect house, kids, make meals from scratch,make cookies, bread, etc… I have begged the Dr to try and a just my meds every appointment, and he has taken me off all but 3, but he has not backed down on those,saying his job is to keep me healthy and sane,if my husband wants a meal he needs to cook it.
Hey Thanatosjoy,
I talked a bit about some of this on another post yesterday. For the most part…people who actually successfully commit suicide have had a psychotic event…altered state of conscious..whatever…and it sounds like you had a psychotic break yourself…so I for one am happy that you weren’t successful. That being said…I am not happy that you are still sooo confused and depressed(well more than depressed if you ask me) and hurting. My boyfriend suffered two breaks two years in a row at the same time of year…and hasn’t had a recurrence for over 10 years now. I know what caused his break…but I don’t know what caused yours. Any ideas? Can really relate to being in the zone you describe…kinda in this world…but not really of it.
Now I am not a betting woman by any means…but if I HAD to put my money on a cause…ummmm….gonna go with situational depression and Spiritual Crisis. Have you been questioning lately. Hey I’m not even gonna make you go and look up the symptoms for yourself…I’m gonna post em here….I think many could relate to this particular list of symptoms. In no way am I saying I am even close to right…I have just met you after all…but sometimes I get lucky…hehehe
the individual may have any combination or all of the following symptoms:
* Feelings of depression, despair, loneliness
* Loss of energy
* Chronic exhaustion not linked to a physical disorder
* Loss of control over one’s personal and/or professional direction in life
* Unusual sensitivity to light, sound and other environmental factors
* Anger, frustration, lack of patience
* Loss of identity, purpose, and meaning to life
* Withdrawal from life’s everyday routines
* Feelings of madness and insanity
* A sense of abandonment by God
* Feelings of inadequacy
* Lessened feelings of attachment to family and friends
* Loss of attention span, self-confidence and self-esteem
* Frequent bouts of spontaneous crying and weeping
These symptoms mimic ordinary clinical depression. However, there is a major difference. Spiritual madness is an inner thing between you and God during which deep, rich spiritual growth is occurring. Anti-depressants may rob you of this miraculous (yet painful) experience.
Would be really interested to know what meds you are currently taking…if you wouldn’t mind sharing…hahaha…the info …not the meds. Other than a mild tranquilizer for a few months…I have been off all meds for over 20 years. That’s a lie…hehehe…I have a scrip for medical marijuana as well….sorry.
I am glad that your hospital experience was such a positive one. Many people find the same to be true…it really depends on the person and the state of mind eh? Angry people never have a good experience. But I sense you are not so much angry as apathetic…but what do I know…haha So sorry that you have no support at home…for some such as your husband…the stigma attached to mental and emotional illness is shameful…and he probably believes that if he doesn’t humour you…that you’ll just snap out of it. Understand he is just as scared as you are….but he expresses his fear with denial and probably just expects God to fix the whole horrid mess YOU have made of his life. Just sorry that he is not more emotionally evolved and involved.
How was your relationship before the depression started? And how was it before your attempt? It’s obvious how it is now eh? As for the housework…ummm…do you live nearby…I could lend you my fairies and elves for a few days…that’s who I say cleans my house. oh yeh….my second husband smacked me one day…cuz something wasn’t done and it was my fault according to him…I should have taken care of it. “Why?” I asked…”Is it just because I have breasts?”….hahaha smack
Bottom line…the kids…just so you know…you can get away with a lot of stuff…as long as you keep telling them that you love them…no matter what…and that mommy isn’t feeling very good right now…but the doctor says he can make me better. What do you think?
Gonna cut you loose…before I wear out your ear with my blather
Sending you lots of positive energy and lots of love
Ama