Long story, so apologies, but I’m at the point where I’d rather rant to faceless people on the internet than admit to anybody around me that I worry. This year has been horrendous, and I just don’t know how to keep hope anymore. This time last year, my Great-Grandmother died. We were really close and she helped me grow up, so it was a huge loss. Unfortunately, I decided to bury my head in the sand and concentrate on my exams, ignoring the fact that she ever died and I still haven’t accepted it really to this day. Although my school-work is of a good quality, and I’m predicted quite good grades at the end of my school career this year; I have had to sacrifice a lot. None of my friends speak to me any longer, and whenever I’m in their company, I feel like they’re waiting for me to leave. It’s just constant snide comments from them, and it hurts knowing that you’ve lost people that you were so close to. I have a lot of pressure put on me at school as well, and my willingness means that I keep getting taken advantage of, and I just don’t feel that anybody takes me seriously. Anyway, Oxbridge has been my dream for a while, and I’ve worked so hard to ensure that my grades were above what they were asking for. After a pretty difficult upbringing, I was counting on Oxbridge to be kind of the salvation (pathetic, I know). University is supposed to be my way of getting away from all the arguments within my house, getting away from all the problems (my brother has been house-bound for a long time and sometimes it is hard to cope with). I can’t tell my family my problems because they have issues of their own, and I don’t want to seem selfish. To make matters worse, last week I received my firm rejection from Oxford. Not sure why, but it’s an overwhelming feeling of failure. It feels like everyone close to me has expected this, especially my Dad (who told me that I wouldn’t get into Oxford because I’m female and shouldn’t have a career). I can’t stand people telling me they’ve told me so. I’ve let down everybody, including my Grandad who has recently been diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer that’s spread to his spine. I don’t have anyone left to speak to, and I know people have worse problems than mine but I’m still distraught.
Rant over, sorry for wasting everyone’s time, but occasionally useless ranting is a good way to vent. I’ve used self-harm and attempted before, but now I don’t see where the hope is, feeling like the worst human.
7 comments
Seeing university (Oxbridge or otherwise) as your salvation is setting yourself up for a fall — I remember university more for how it screwed people up than anything (and I spent nearly ten years there). It’s common to throw oneself into work to escape problems, but it’s only ever a temporary solution.
Perhaps it might help to dissect the attraction of university: is it the work, the prestige, or simply being able to escape your household? Tying all these desiderata together makes one view solutions as being all-or-nothing, and when failure comes, then it’s time to reach for the pill-bottle.
If university is your way of getting away from all the arguments in your house (as you put it), then there are other options: you can take a year out and get a job and rent a flat somewhere. That’ll give you some space and time away from your parents, and you can get a better sense of perspective. Maybe your differences with your dad (and any other members of your family) might be patched over in time — absence does make the heart grow fonder.
You can always defer your entry to university: mature students often have far more interest in and appreciation of their subject (and much more of an idea of how to organise studying and life in general) than 18-year-olds do, anyway. Nil desperandum!
Anyway, I hope some of this has helped. Good luck…
Kily theyself
getting up and going to work and then coming home to only go to bed is not a life I would curse on my worst enemy.
Well, quite. …But note that my suggestion wasn’t “get a job and rent a flat — and live like a hermit”.
What does “Kily theyself” mean? Is it Elvish or something?
yes. it is Elvish. The last word means Kill. I guess you dont understand regular english to understand THAT, but it is a common mispelling error
actually it means “kill thyself” oh i dont care. the hell with you
actually it means “kill thyself” oh i dont care. the hell with you