So this is where I admit that I want to die. Not in the take a bunch of pills, eat a bulled, slash my wrists, kind of way. But in a I’m sick of “dealing” with shit and I just want to cease to exist. I’ve thought about killing myself, and the pain it would cause some of the people that know me is pretty much the only thing stopping it. Social media is good for making you feel connected, even when you’re not…really connected. It’s funny, (raise the peoples eyebrow, not haha) if you know me I wonder if you’d be able to guess who’d be in what list, the ones that I care about and worry about the pain I would leave behind, or the ones that I really don’t care about and don’t think about all that much. Hell, even I don’t fully know the extent of each list. Someone would have to bring up everyone I’ve ever met to get a “comprehensive” list. Oddly enough, there are people that I’ve forgotten that I’d probably worry about how they’d feel if I killed myself. I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point that I don’t care enough about others just to do it. I wonder if it will be this week, or next. This month or next, this year or next?
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Hey cynr1023,
Yes you can get to the point where you don’t care enough about hurting others…to stop hurting yourself…but why aspire to that? Is this your first major depression…or have you suffered for a while? Nice to know that you still have people that you care about hurting…it means you are not hopeless….and that’s good.
Here if you want to talk
Amakua
I don’t believe it’s my first major depression, it’s my first “diagnosed and someone is trying to fix it” major depression. I was almost hospitalized in February. Probably should have been but I didn’t want to go and was able to “tap dance” my way out of it. I’ve riding the medication roller coaster and am on my 5th or 6th med. I can’t even remember what I’ve taken. The doctor reads through the list and I’m like “oh yeah, I did take that didn’t I.” Almost got kicked out of the Army. We talk about the “Total Soldier Concept” but only a few of us believe in it. The rest of the monkeys just like to fling poo and see who it will stick to. over 5 years ago was the first time a doctor said “major depressive episode”, February was the first time I talked about it since then. I feel like a liar as I continue to live my life and I don’t want it any more.
Travis
Hey cynr1023,
Sorry…got called away on a real time emergency…but I’m back and my friggin’ hands should start to thaw in an hour or two…damn friggin’ Canadian winters. So if I make grievous typos…pardonnez moi.
Okay…so any idea what precipitated this last serious go round? I understand the pharmaecopia of pharmeceuticals…and actually none of them did anything but make me friggin’ worse…hahaha I’m assuming they are SSRI’s…apologize if I am wrong…but they are trying sometimes to fix an emotional problem by fixing a brain chemistry problem…just makes folks more apathetic I think. Any possibility that this is PTSD? Maybe you could explain a little more about what was happening just before this last serious depression began. Can you remember? Just trying to ascertain which of the multiple culprits is behind your current depression. Also …when was your first major depressive episode? Were you a teen or younger?
I know…nosy old woman…hahaha…but under it all…I feel for ya…been there…lost the effin’ t shirt. I have suffered from melancholia and a fixation with death my whole life. So yeah…I feel for ya…depression effin’ hurts…emotionally, physically, mentally and even spiritually. No matter what…just remember…this too will end. Lets just see if maybe we can speed it along for your sake eh?
Here to listen as well as ask nosy questions…hahaha
Amakua