I wonder why I still come to this site, I feel I am draw back to it everyday and I don’t know why. Why does this place mean so much to me.
I guess it doesn’t matter.
All I know is am fucked up. I know I am and I can admit it. I finished all my work on Friday and all I did was play games for the weekend. I just sat in my apartment and played m+b for 12 hours Saturday and Sunday.
It then dawned on me this morning that I am wasting my life. When I play games its interactive yes but it is not real. It does not create lasting memories, it does not better me in any way. I am simply dulling the pain of being alone and misunderstood. Â I may as well be doing drugs, it is having the same effect. But I now hope that things will change.
I will not play games again until I am a functional person. Cold turkey. I used to go to the gym every second day. I used to go out and have friends and I had loads of hobbies.
Then some shit happened any my life got totally fucked and I feel deep into the void of depression and self-pity. However what goes down must come back up. So I shall.
I dont want to be alone. I want someone in my life again. I want to hold a girl while she falls asleep again. I want to find someone I can love and adore, someone I can give everything too. I want someone I can tell anything and not feel judged. I want to have children, I want to see them grow. I want to fix myself. Its not going to be easy. But I am going to try. I have to try.
Don’t give up SP. There is a whole world outside of this site. Even if you choose to run from it, even if hide from the pain and despair, there is a place in it for all of us.
To my future love, whoever you are, wherever you are
I love you.
And I’m looking forward to meeting you.
Not sure why im posting this here, or what im trying to achieve. I dont suppose many people will even read this. But I dont care because its not about you.
Its about my future love and I. Its ok to be a little selfish sometimes, your happiness is everything to you, dont ignore it.
I know I may never meet anyone, I may always be alone. But I would rather live a life of hope than darkness and despair.
I love you.
16 comments
Hehe, we got ourselves a hopeless romantic.
“Don’t give up SP. There is a whole world outside of this site. Even if you choose to run from it, even if hide from the pain and despair, there is a place in it for all of us.â€
That only applies to people who actually want to be a part of this world~ I know…I didn’t contribute much to this post.
I too didnt want to be part of it really, in fact I still dont truth be told. I hate the pub culture and dont eve get me started on nightclubs. all my friends get wasted and all the people I do meet are shitfaced, hard to get to know someone. Im a buddist so I dont drink or do drugs, so its hard to fit in in Ireland.
So I have become an island. But its not healthy and the longer I let it go on the worse it will get.
Thanks for your comment, its kind of nice to know my words are not wasted, and im sorry you dont want any part of this world. I hope that changes for you. I hope you find happiness. I hope I do too.
god, seems like this hopefull stuff is really sinking in.
ILU
Well this made my day !
It’s nice to know that some guys are sweet.
Hope > doubt.
@Ruins: I have been a gamer my whole life, all the way back to some of the earliest systems. I played MMOs for 6 years, and I too came to a point where I just felt like I was living in mediocrity. I wasn’t trying to die, but I wasn’t trying to live either. My life literally stalled, as if time stopped altogether.
I started working out, dropped 75 pounds and now look really, really good. You’d be amazed what putting on some muscle will due for your self confidence, and this is coming from someone with BPD. An unstable self image and seething self hatred is what we’re known for.
You have a lot to gain by quitting games, leaving the house, and getting back in shape. It could be just what you need.
Sigh. I spelled “do” as “due”. I still don’t sleep well..or you know..at all. They need the option to edit your own comments.
I really like what you said here. It’s nice to see that you actually want to better yourself instead of just sitting in misery 🙂 I completely understand where you’re coming from. I, too, had something happen to me that led me into a downward spiral of playing video games instead of spending time with actual people. Only difference is that I am a female. I am still working on my habit of coming home and going straight to the computer to play games, but I am surely getting there! I have always taken care of myself, so that’s never been a problem. But, I definitely lost the strong relationships I used to have with my friends. I’ve been getting out and spending more and more time doing other things, and let me tell you, it is absolutely amazing. I support you 100% with your decision to quit cold turkey, and I hope you find what you are looking for down the road. 🙂
@RuinsOfTheVoid: Aye, straight-edge myself. Y’know you’re all right. Well~ I’m gonna go workout like a warrior. Strength circuit today…warm up with diamond pushups… Later.
Thanks so much dravenxx, im glad you are getting better aswell. I plan to join a few clubs and maybe a cooking class or something. I know I have to force myself back into the world so I can meet new people.
I hope you get your life back too, a new relationship is worth fighting for.
And thanks to everyone else who commented aswell.
@Umbra, You should try ninja pushups, then try ninja pushups one handed. Then you feel like one hardcore dude.
Of course! Keep us updated with your progress; I saw that you’ve started a journal on here and I think that’s great. Those all sound like fun ideas. I’m still trying to find some new hobbies that interest me.
A new relationship is certainly worth fighting for. Unfortunately, my fiance left me a few weeks ago out of the blue. Instead of plummeting into a deep depression like you’d think (although I was a total wreck for a week or so), it inspired me to get out and change my life.
Every day, people wake up and say they’re going to change their lives but never do. We’re making that change 🙂
It sounds like we have alot in common, sorry about your fiance, your better off waiting for the right person insted of rushing into a mistake. I know that probably doesnt help, but hay at least I tried 🙂 you must be an amazing person to take positive steps after something like that.
I just hope my can do attitude lasts long enough for me to actually make these changes. I have also started seeing a therapist and she has helped me work out alot of stuff in the last few weeks. Like my stage fright and anxiety.
I hope to hear from you again dravenxx.
if not, good luck and all the best to you and your true love 🙂
Yeah, I didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at first, but it’s getting better. I know what you mean by the can do attitude, I’m the exact same way. One day I’ll be really pumped up to get out and make some changes, then the next day I’ll change my mind or lose motivation. That’s great that you’re seeing a therapist. That alone is a step that a lot of people, like myself, aren’t willing to take. So good for you 🙂 I also have anxiety and stage fright, but I think it’s been going down over time.
Good luck to you as well, ruins. 🙂
I cried. This is a very beautiful post.
This is a brilliant post. Thank you.
I love you!