i can’t do this anymore, i want to dissapar and die, theres no point in living or breathing when i know both the people i care for, one thinks i’m a freak, the other wants me dead, or dosent give a fuck about my life.
The second one in question, his innitals are HD, he hates my guts as once i told people i loved him he found his brother laughing and calling me his girlfriend, i have to admit, after two years of that i really dont like him doing that now, every time i see him he says it and its not helping me at all, at any rate any friendship whcih could come because of us wll never become now, i really hate myself for caring but everytime i pull away i just go straight back as i cant cope at all. i feel so stpid and so weak, he sees me as a slut, nothing good and i care for him with all my heart…
the other one MS is his initals, he seems kind, he a laugh, but most of all, he’s new to the school so should’nt of known my problems till i messaged them all to him, fucking big mistake, then the girls in the class i’m with him in (Buisness the one i’m in now to be exsact) found out and told him…
he saw my filling out, i mean it by that, i was clawing at my hair, i felt like i couldnt breath, i was smashing my head againt the classroom walls… only my friends were in there at this time… i wanted it all to end, my feeling to go but how can i do that when i really just want to die. when i really just want everything thats happen to end, jsut for him… them to see the youth club me (happy) not the school me who jsut ends up crying, i want to be able to show the true me but whever i try something goes wrong then i’m worse…
i know MS has seen me on here, idk what he thought, that i was a freak, a idiot who shouldn’t be around, the girls aid he wouldnt be like that but idk, i really jsut want to go and grab a knife and stab into my heart, nothing but pain is left at school, my family are always arguing so the only confort are from the two people who i love… those two, Harry Dyson and Macauley Smith… they dont give a fuck so what’s the point in living? There’s none right? xx
it seems shit that i cant consentrate because of them… wait no it’s no there fault, its my fault there both amazing, beautiful and brillant people and i’ve made the fucking mistake of loving them when i know there wayyyy out of my leauge… i mean who would want me (you can see a photo of me here: http://suicideproject.org/?attachment_id=152979&replytocom=222824) wait i know i’ll attach it to here) i’m worthless where they have so much going for them… ones a athleete, has so many frineds, he seems to know what he is and everything, he would never like me and his friends have agreeed with me on that (MS)  and one has an amazing singing vocice and is in bands…. He seems lost but that might just be me (HD)
how can i cope? how can i move on, im parinoid that one of them (MS) has created an account and is looking at this… how can i think that, he’s a really nice perosn, and a laugh… he wouldnt come on here and hurt me? No if anyhting i’m hurting him by saying that i want to die bcause i cant face loving him anymore… god i need to grow up… this is whats going on in my brina 24/7 i hardly get any sleep… please help!!! xx
19 comments
🙁 maybe you should talk to him. I mean it doesn’t mean that he didn’t care or that he thinks that you’re freak. Its what you think. And there’s.nothing wrong being in here, in this page if it helps you
And even if he might think you’re freak well there ooyher people :l who do care
Thats the problem i’m to bloody scared to go up to him because he might hate me… i mean i cant reallly go up to him and say ‘hey do u think i’m a freak’ as maybe he doesnt know what to think of me or maybe he might not care at all… and at any rate if i went up and talked to him i’d make a fool out of myself because most people dont think im ‘good enough’ to talk to him letter lone have a crush on him, its crap, i dont want to feel for him but i do, hes just sooooo… intreguing, diffrent… it will be the best day in my life if he just said hi to me or smiled my way, that how much of a possitive affect he has on me, i might still act depressed but inside my hearts singing and the lepricaun which as been hidden by the thunderstorms comes out and does a happy dance on my head… thinking about that happens makes me laugh… my lepurcauns called Mac as well lol. because hes the only thing that makes me feel better… even HD dosen’t help… Thank you… but i feel so down still, i wish he would jsut smile at me once or twice… i keep singing Somwhere by Westside Story and singing pretending i was singing it to him!! God i love him and he dosent even notice me at all… its a shame… :.( now nightmare lesson… dear god please say the LSA brought a laptop over!!! otherwise i’ll die xx
I feel so sad for you, with you…Maybe if just say “hey” first??? And look if he doesn’t like you well…its truth that boys dont usually. I mean they are two years back from emotional growth. Sort of. And if he doesn’t like you well then he’s not worth of you.
Is he your first crush? Because first ones is really sort of best and sort of worst.
So yes! Say hey! And if he doesn’t reply. Ell IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING say it until he says something. I’m so happy that you feel that. I love that feeling. Gets you so high.
No you won’t die! Think you’re robot or something. I dont know. Just get over this day!
And dont know what it matters but I care about you as much as I can like in internet, ya know. And I think you’re beautiful. Every girl is and I wish you can be happy soon.
i want to,, i reallty do, but i dont know how, i mean buisness is hard enough without going over to him and saying hi… and no he’s not my first crush, the other one i mentioned is, but that doesnt matter, its MS i’m struggling with and i really want to go up to him and say hi, smile but im worried he’ll jsut punch me in the face, i dont know him at all, he only came ot the school this year and his cousin is one of the girls that bullied me before, in year 10 or 11… I really want to talk to him, god as i said thinking about takling to him makes me feel so mcuh better, if i did well then i’d be soooo happy idk, i would make a fool of myself by jumping up and down or doing and irish jig (thatnks to the pink lepuccaun on my head which comes out when i’m happy or deligthed…) sounds stupid but i knwo it willl help that much, its stupid but i love him… i love both of them, no matter what both of them will stay in my heart forever….
to be hounest i’d be happy if he jsut said hey to me… oh why cant he just do that… i mean he’s got so many friends who are girls, Hannah, Victoria, Shovorne and others, i’ve heard he’s been with a lot but i dont care… this sounds stupid but whenevr i hear 1D’s first last kiss it makes me think of him, swapping all the she’s for he’s ect…. lol i am a 1D fan but everytime i hear there songs they make me feel really weird or sad, i mean after my flipping out during the weekend, the cutting the itting my head agiasnt the wall i tore donw all my 1D psoters and jsut spent the rest of the time listneing to eveansecence, god with those songs i can let go… let my emotions take over… i know its not healthy but the more i see MS as well as the other, the harder it gets…
Its not stupid to love! Never.
Ah, sorry. I got confused with two letter names…and I have the worst memory.
I don’t know. I want to help. So just gplo “accidentally” in to his way. People dont really care like pretend like you forgot something and stuff. Naw. But it’s in your hands, dont be unhappy.
But be careful too. I mean is he’s acquintanted with your bully. And stuff.
:l I wish your crush would answer your feelings but just be careful.
i dont need him to have feeling back, just a smiel or just for him to talk to me would help, he knows about my Asperger’s and when he came strangly enough the bullying stopped, thats a good thing i guess… the other peron… i got to emotional attacted to him that i still hurts to be near him… god its a joke, but with Macualey (MS) i am not planning to do that, the other was my first propper crsuh, but the one for MS is almost stronger than the one fo the other, its stupid but what cna i do…
all i want for him to say hi, im so parrinoid that he keeps reading this, he knows i write on here and in the lessons im with him i see him look at me then get back on with his work… i know i’m a freak thats why i dont care what people think… inculding the other one… why i’m writng this in lessons… its crazy but whatever…
i jsut wish if he is reading all this that he would jsut say hi to me… thats after all, all i want, its not much is it… i mean he talks to everyone, MS… god i know he’ll hate me if he read all this as well, i dont think i’ve stoped saying i love him… but with both of them HD as well as MS i love them both but i understand… nothing will happen, one hates my gust adn the other wont talk to me… if they gave me a chance i’ll show them im not like i am at school but i woiuld never force myself on them if i went to a party, i never want to heurt them and thats what i hate, especilly the other one, he’s hurt me by calling me a stalker but i still care for him… whatever MS hasnt hurt me but all i wanr is a hey and is that really to much to ask? xx
Well I hope he reads this and says hi! And you’re not freak. Just normal. Asperger doesnt make you any more unnormal . And kay maybe other are going fb or do tweet stuff but I think it’s not weird to be here even during lessons because it helps you express yourself. And crazy is when people go to look how to build a bomb! Or write how they’re going to kill all. And that’s crazy. And scary.
god im an idiot arent i why would he spend his time looking though my problems? he wont care….
And no it isn’t too much . And you’re not idiot. And if he doesn’t care. It’s his problem
yeah… true 🙁 i really want him to care… but hes scary some times but he seems really ncie but im really nervous and scared of him
http://suicideproject.org/2012/12/154067/imagestg/ Saph this is him the middle one, its the best one i can find because i cant get on facebook… idk if you can see what i mean, hes beautiful to me : xx
Seen it!
I think he looks handsome, quite sweet 🙂 not my taste but I can see what you see in him. I liked hair especially. Its okay to benervous and like not like you can be help being nervous. I hope he cares but hey, if he doesn’t well life goes on and stuff so
i cant do this… not anymore, its just to hard, both of them…. Harry and Macualey jsut seeing them makes me want to kick and scream…
🙁