hello123,
your doing pretty good next to me because it never goes away i do try to think of other stuff but whats funny is here i am on sp trying to get my mind off it by trying to help people that are thinking about it?
Hi, I just wanted to say I think you are doing really well and are very brave to be keeping yourself safe. I have had depression for 2 years and major depression which included constant suicidal thoughts for the last 44 days. These stopped last Friday. I wanted to write to you because I have survived and you will too if you keep doing whatever it takes to stay safe. My mind was telling me to kill myself but part if me fought it too. I did not feel any hope or believe I would feel differently when I was in the suicidal period but luckily I hung in there anyway. The new antidepressants helped. I had to tell myself to wait for these to work which takes about 6 weeks usually if they’re effective. My last antidepressants didn’t work and that’s part of the reason I ended up so sick with depression. The way I coped was immediately telling all my friends what was happening and asking and accepting their help. I also rang the suicide callback service (a suicide prevention crisis line in Australia) anytime I was alone and was experiencing the thoughts. It’s a very scary experience when I first had these thoughts. I now know how to deal with it and that has taken some of the power of the thoughts away. When it started My friend took me to her place for two days and I went to my doctor and called my counsellor and organized a second counsellor so that I could go as often as I needed for support which was about 3 times a week. The dr gave me new antidepressants and the counsellors listen and reassure me I’m not a terrible person and life isn’t hopeless. They also teach me coping strategies. I didn’t believe my friends or counsellors when they told me they cared about me or that I was a worthwhile person etc but I think that hearing this would have had some positive effect and challenges the overwhelming thought patterns and gave me some strength to keep fighting it. They said that part of me wanted to be healthy and was being resourceful and doing its best to help me survive. They helped to sooth me when I could not self sooth. I asked another friend to stay with me for a week as I was scared I would hurt myself if alone as i didn’t know or understand the illness and was scared. I had impulsive behavior three times where I spontaneously stated to act to kill myself but stopped each time before anything happened to me. I was lucky. I was also taking lots of advice on managing the thoughts and behavior. One of these was to say to myself that I’m in pain and suffering instead of I want to kill myself. Or I’m feeling self punishing rather than I want to cut my wrists or strangle myself. I didn’t want to cut my wrists or strangle myself but the thoughts are very intrusive and graphic and persuasive. The idea is to come to some acceptance of how you are feeling and take away the power of the suicidsl thought. You try to do this for 5 mins or as long as you think is possible for you and then do something that is self supporting. For me I would ring the crisis line after trying this on my own, because talking to someone helps me. The other method I learnt is to combat the fear of suicide by rating your emotions from 1-10 on a list as a plan for when you feel suicidsl. When you get to a number like 8 you would put in your crisis method eg dr, crisis line, friend. This way as your feelings escalate you can feel a bit more in control about how you can manage these. I also spent a lot of time around people as that helped me… So I woykd call the crisis line on the wsy to work, work then organize someone to hang with until evening. It was exhausting being out all the time but better than letting my illness win. I quit my stressful job the day the suicidsl thoughts started and luckily got a job with nice people going creative work which was a way to relax and get through the day. The work is casual so there is no financial stability but the sim was to survive. The first day I came home after staying with my friend for two days I asked a friend to pick me up from the station and drive me home and I cleared out everything on my home which might stress me out if I knew it was there eg anything like rope, knives, pills, razors, etc. this wasnt because I believed I would kill myself but so I could have a safe space at home. I also promised myself I wouldn’t drive for the first few weeks. I had no appetite and lost a lot of weight but forced myself to eat regularly even if I could only manage small amounts, to keep myself with the best chance of fighting it. After the first few weeks I felt able to do nice things for myself to improve my confidence. Until then I was a bit shell shocked and barely functioning. I have done basic food shopping only and can hardly stand In the shower, clean or pay bills. I encourage myself though that I’m alive and go to work and can now hold a conversation and an making progress. I have now had the confidence to tell work colleagues and my cousin about my depression. Many people I know or who are acquaintances I have talked to and asked for advice. I was surprised that so many had suffered the same thoughts and illness. They shared their coping strategies. These were to Use relaxation hypnosis apps to help me sleep, learn CBT cognitive behavior therapy which helps me to change my self defeating thought patterns and gives me hope that I will one day have better life skills and emotional health to help myself be where I want to be in life. This is working. I don’t have my dog anymore unfortunately but having an animal to care for is hard when yr not coping but as you start to cope more it is great to have the company and safety and love of a pet. I try to spend more time with my cat to help me connect to living things. I try to accept any offers to spend time with people and I wrote that I’m not coping in Facebook and people comment positively which helps. I read blogs like this to feel more connected so I don’t feel so alone in the illness. My counsellor has suggested I start to look up art websites when I’m depressed rather than websites about how to kill myself to retrain and redirect my thoughts. I use the website to cope by looking up lots of information about depression so I can understand what is happening to my body chemistry and feel more empowered that this can be changed. I make regular dr appointments to keep track of how im going and chiropractic appointments (I have chronic back pain) to manage my feelings if powerlessness about my emotional and physical pain. Youare doing so well to be writing on a blog and acknowledging what is happening for you. I’m wishing you a lot of care tonight. I’m struggling with this time if year as I’m going through a lot of loss and grief. The biggest thing I’ve felt from this illness is that while I’m alone in myself there are so many people around me who are willing to care for me when I can’t in some way. It’s sometimes not enough but i draw on anything and it keeps u going and there are a lot of people who when I tell them what’s going in they genuinely want to help or share their methods. Someone told me to watch ecolle tolle, another person read me the four lessons in life (their positive self talk). I also treated myself a lot. I ate croissants every morning and drank vanilla tea and bought new clothes which better express myself and go to massage, tarot reading, spa and sauna. Chocolate is good. I wish you all the best abc thinking of you tonight and tomorrow. I think you rock to be reaching out. You can be proud of that. Good luck and keep safe xx
I think you misunderstood me rocketman – I had those “bad, evil, sinner-ish” thoughts only one time, but that doesn’t change the fact. that I plan to commit suicide in the near future, when I “tie up loose ends” (pun intended).
6 comments
I don’t ‘deal with it’. IT ‘deals with me’ actually.
hello123,
your doing pretty good next to me because it never goes away i do try to think of other stuff but whats funny is here i am on sp trying to get my mind off it by trying to help people that are thinking about it?
I had “thoughts of suicide” only one time. They went away by themselves, when I realized why I felt that way, and changed it.
connection closed by peer,
i’m happy for you “only one time” theres always an exception to the rule.
Hi, I just wanted to say I think you are doing really well and are very brave to be keeping yourself safe. I have had depression for 2 years and major depression which included constant suicidal thoughts for the last 44 days. These stopped last Friday. I wanted to write to you because I have survived and you will too if you keep doing whatever it takes to stay safe. My mind was telling me to kill myself but part if me fought it too. I did not feel any hope or believe I would feel differently when I was in the suicidal period but luckily I hung in there anyway. The new antidepressants helped. I had to tell myself to wait for these to work which takes about 6 weeks usually if they’re effective. My last antidepressants didn’t work and that’s part of the reason I ended up so sick with depression. The way I coped was immediately telling all my friends what was happening and asking and accepting their help. I also rang the suicide callback service (a suicide prevention crisis line in Australia) anytime I was alone and was experiencing the thoughts. It’s a very scary experience when I first had these thoughts. I now know how to deal with it and that has taken some of the power of the thoughts away. When it started My friend took me to her place for two days and I went to my doctor and called my counsellor and organized a second counsellor so that I could go as often as I needed for support which was about 3 times a week. The dr gave me new antidepressants and the counsellors listen and reassure me I’m not a terrible person and life isn’t hopeless. They also teach me coping strategies. I didn’t believe my friends or counsellors when they told me they cared about me or that I was a worthwhile person etc but I think that hearing this would have had some positive effect and challenges the overwhelming thought patterns and gave me some strength to keep fighting it. They said that part of me wanted to be healthy and was being resourceful and doing its best to help me survive. They helped to sooth me when I could not self sooth. I asked another friend to stay with me for a week as I was scared I would hurt myself if alone as i didn’t know or understand the illness and was scared. I had impulsive behavior three times where I spontaneously stated to act to kill myself but stopped each time before anything happened to me. I was lucky. I was also taking lots of advice on managing the thoughts and behavior. One of these was to say to myself that I’m in pain and suffering instead of I want to kill myself. Or I’m feeling self punishing rather than I want to cut my wrists or strangle myself. I didn’t want to cut my wrists or strangle myself but the thoughts are very intrusive and graphic and persuasive. The idea is to come to some acceptance of how you are feeling and take away the power of the suicidsl thought. You try to do this for 5 mins or as long as you think is possible for you and then do something that is self supporting. For me I would ring the crisis line after trying this on my own, because talking to someone helps me. The other method I learnt is to combat the fear of suicide by rating your emotions from 1-10 on a list as a plan for when you feel suicidsl. When you get to a number like 8 you would put in your crisis method eg dr, crisis line, friend. This way as your feelings escalate you can feel a bit more in control about how you can manage these. I also spent a lot of time around people as that helped me… So I woykd call the crisis line on the wsy to work, work then organize someone to hang with until evening. It was exhausting being out all the time but better than letting my illness win. I quit my stressful job the day the suicidsl thoughts started and luckily got a job with nice people going creative work which was a way to relax and get through the day. The work is casual so there is no financial stability but the sim was to survive. The first day I came home after staying with my friend for two days I asked a friend to pick me up from the station and drive me home and I cleared out everything on my home which might stress me out if I knew it was there eg anything like rope, knives, pills, razors, etc. this wasnt because I believed I would kill myself but so I could have a safe space at home. I also promised myself I wouldn’t drive for the first few weeks. I had no appetite and lost a lot of weight but forced myself to eat regularly even if I could only manage small amounts, to keep myself with the best chance of fighting it. After the first few weeks I felt able to do nice things for myself to improve my confidence. Until then I was a bit shell shocked and barely functioning. I have done basic food shopping only and can hardly stand In the shower, clean or pay bills. I encourage myself though that I’m alive and go to work and can now hold a conversation and an making progress. I have now had the confidence to tell work colleagues and my cousin about my depression. Many people I know or who are acquaintances I have talked to and asked for advice. I was surprised that so many had suffered the same thoughts and illness. They shared their coping strategies. These were to Use relaxation hypnosis apps to help me sleep, learn CBT cognitive behavior therapy which helps me to change my self defeating thought patterns and gives me hope that I will one day have better life skills and emotional health to help myself be where I want to be in life. This is working. I don’t have my dog anymore unfortunately but having an animal to care for is hard when yr not coping but as you start to cope more it is great to have the company and safety and love of a pet. I try to spend more time with my cat to help me connect to living things. I try to accept any offers to spend time with people and I wrote that I’m not coping in Facebook and people comment positively which helps. I read blogs like this to feel more connected so I don’t feel so alone in the illness. My counsellor has suggested I start to look up art websites when I’m depressed rather than websites about how to kill myself to retrain and redirect my thoughts. I use the website to cope by looking up lots of information about depression so I can understand what is happening to my body chemistry and feel more empowered that this can be changed. I make regular dr appointments to keep track of how im going and chiropractic appointments (I have chronic back pain) to manage my feelings if powerlessness about my emotional and physical pain. Youare doing so well to be writing on a blog and acknowledging what is happening for you. I’m wishing you a lot of care tonight. I’m struggling with this time if year as I’m going through a lot of loss and grief. The biggest thing I’ve felt from this illness is that while I’m alone in myself there are so many people around me who are willing to care for me when I can’t in some way. It’s sometimes not enough but i draw on anything and it keeps u going and there are a lot of people who when I tell them what’s going in they genuinely want to help or share their methods. Someone told me to watch ecolle tolle, another person read me the four lessons in life (their positive self talk). I also treated myself a lot. I ate croissants every morning and drank vanilla tea and bought new clothes which better express myself and go to massage, tarot reading, spa and sauna. Chocolate is good. I wish you all the best abc thinking of you tonight and tomorrow. I think you rock to be reaching out. You can be proud of that. Good luck and keep safe xx
I think you misunderstood me rocketman – I had those “bad, evil, sinner-ish” thoughts only one time, but that doesn’t change the fact. that I plan to commit suicide in the near future, when I “tie up loose ends” (pun intended).