Not quite sure how to start this off, but my name is Kenny and lately i’ve been feeling really down and really blue. I feel like i’m getting to the point where I might snap and actually do something to myself. I’m ftm (Female to Male transgender) Which basically means I was born physically female but feel as if I’m a male trapped inside a females body. I have dealt with this feeling ever since I can remember but came across the word transgendered probably about 3 years ago from now. This is something I deal with every single day, not being called the right pronouns and you know what if you don’t know what I am even talking about I suggest you go look it up cause I’m done trying to explain it to people in the first place. Being like this fucking sucks, it takes it’s toll on me everyday. I hate my body, I hate everything about myself practically except for who I am on the inside. I hate being judged everyday, and I hate going out in public cause I know people always wonder if I’m a boy or a girl. I’m tired of people not understanding or not trying to understand. I don’t wanna deal with this the rest of my life? I feel like a fucking alien to everyone that I’m around. I feel so d i f f e r e n t. But not the good kind of different. I don’t feel right anymore, I have some of the worst luck a person can have. I know it might sound like i’m just complaining but more bad shit happens to me than i’m sure most people. I’m just so tired of life i’m tired of fighting this battle everyday to justify myself as who I am. I just wish I would have been born biologically male. And honestly i’ve been fucked over too many times by too many people and idk what else to say I just hate life and all it’s bullshit. Nothing good ever happens to me anymore. Nothing. Nothing goes right and it just seems to be getting worse as I grow older. I just can’t take this anymore. And the sad thing is, is no one really takes suicide as seriously anymore just cause it’s so common nowadays? Everyone probably thinks i just make this shit up for attention although i never really tell anyone what goes on in my mind everyday. This just sucks and i feel like my life is literally one big joke. I’m just one big joke.
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So what if you need attention. It is human nature and normal to want it. The problem is you are getting terrible unwanted attn and it hurts like hell. You already feel terrible. Nice of folks to help huh.
I know many TGBGL persons and all of them are people who reached out – taking a chance in doing so – to others of the same in their community. There are many meet up and support groups online and in person whereby you can become part of a protective, proactive group which may help you handle the pain and come out on the other side armed with positive interactions instead of the maltreatment of who you are.
If you feel trapped in your body – let me assure you this is completely par the course of realizing you want that to change. Changing to what you want will require effort, support and realization that there are indeed people out there in the same boat who felt exactly as you do and turned it all around. They feel better and made changes to become who they are and want to be.
Call it complaining. You are kind of right about people not taking suicide seriously – esp against minority gender issues and race. So when suicide occurs – its because those committing it felt they were complaining and burdening others. People have met people like us who have suicidal feelings and discounted us. Called it complaining. Managed down our expectations of feeling safe for reaching out and talking. These very people who turn us down in those times label it as complaining. The end result is that you stop talking. You come here as a last ditch effort because others have proven unsafe as confidants.
I commend you for coming here. You are NOT complaining IMO. Your inner light that still burns – however dimly – is speaking up on your behalf. You clearly are weary and fed up with feeling alienated. I live this every fucking day. I get it.
There is one small ember in you that is speaking up for you – and you finally have come across at least ONE person who hears and accepts what you think and feel as your truth. I encourage you to take that nod in your direction to feed the ember some trust so it may grow. And it sure as shit doesn’t seem like it will does it? Not right now.
But think about this. One person hears you.
I take what you say seriously. I trust that you are speaking your truth and I have no reason to doubt or label you as such.
Please keep posting.
I am hear to listen to whatever it is you need to say or vent. I’ve heard stories like yours and can only imagine the pain you must face on a daily basis. BUT…there are success stories like yours that have a happy ending. Have you tried talking to others in your situation for support? That would probably be the first thing I’d check into. I wish I had more words of wisdom for you. My heart goes out to your pain. I’d be your friend.