I’ve been suicidal since I was 12.I had some pretty serious reasons. But I went through my teenage years with  the help of my best friends Then I changed country,  i was far away from my traumas so i tried to forget about them and having good grades and being a good girl. Then i met him 5 years  ago, we’ve been together ever since. I told him about my traumas and he understood. 2 years ago stg pretty traumatic happened and bring back all the suppressed memories..I started to have nightmares insomnia etc..Last year i got very sick and almost died(i kinda regret it didn’t happen). But it was scary…then i got better started a  new job  in a big corporation.4 months later i started to have anxiety attracts, insomnia etc I got diagnosed with  major depression with ptsd (multiple traumas). So I’m on antidepressant .I have more energy now..I’m getting better i guess..The psychotherapy is working and I’m finally free from a huge secret but now its affecting other people..and i feel a lil guilty about that..I don’t know why but it seems like now that  i’m free from  that secret my job is done on earth..
I  used to cut so could feel like my pain was real (nobody understood how come perfect me could get depression..my friends  laugh  at me, make jokes about it). But I have support from one friend,my boyfriend,my psych and my mom(she doesn’t know about the cutting and the suicidal thoughts). My psych made me sign a contract not to harm myself…it’s been 2 days..I still wanna cut ,I still  wanna die.But I’m trying to fight the  urge. Every time i tell my bf i wanna die, he almost cries..i know I’m hurting him..but telling him helps me  not  do it..I tried to push him away….didn’t work…I’ts not fair to him ,I love him I’m tired of hurting him.But he’s the only person I trust completely Should I stop  talking about it with him?
I just don’t feel like i should be alive right  now…I wont act on it..yet..I’m taking my time its  hard to  find the perfect plan.I hope by the time i find it i’ll feel like i belong in this  life. I just wish i was normal..Had a normal boring life, with boy problems.  It also happen that skipped 3 grades  in school..so i  don’t share the same interest with people my age even 5 years older,never did.I learned how to be social..but i feel so lonely inside. I  wish i was dum, since I’m not doing anything meaningful with my brain.I have a successful career but i’m just not happy.I had to  grow up so fast i don’t know how to enjoy life.For some people i’m lucky…But at what price?