I don’t want to seem like a everyday high schooler.
I know people will pass judgement on me already, but here’s my story.
I’m blind and wrestle for my school. (google Paul blind wrestler) and it’s tough.
Why? Well, the sport is all around tough, but when you’re blind, it’s even more tough. Why?
Because, I’m the different kid on the team. I’m blind, and it seems a lot of people, or should I say, most people don’t want to work with me.
Running. We do it a lot and I’m always being passed down to someone else. I get it’s hard to run and wrestle with me, but still, it’s hard.
And another thing, my friends.
People on the team are cool. I have friends that are all sisters, and I love them so much. But the feelings aren’t mutual, and today I accidentally ran into them while they were wrestling with each other, and I asked if they were ok, and they got mad at me.
I love these girls so much because they accepted me for me. Now it seems they’re just tired of me, and as much as I know my problems aren’t big, it still hurts me.
And it’s hard because I’ve got hardly any peers as friends. Adults are cool enough, but I don’t have really any friends my age accept for the girls. And Imma guy, so maybe that doesn’t help. Maybe I should stop caring so much about people. Maybe it would be better.
I’ve tried taking my life twice, and as you all can see, it has failed. But once again, I’m thinking thoes thoughts again. And they have been more freequent and freequent.
Ok, enough rambling, I’ve already taken enough of your time.
4 comments
And if you’re wondering, I’m lonely as can be. I can’t seem to sleep at night, because my heart hurts so very much.
I am sorry you hurt like this. As a mom, it resonates with me. I am of the opinion that all children on this planet are each of ours as a community as a whole.
I cant sleep EITHER! Same reasons.
I googled as per your suggestion and I was so moved by your spirit. As a mom I want to hug you and offer support.
You are a warrior. I am a martial artist and understand the need to be accepted and feel trust in the arts. Feeling as you do, it is understandable that you are sad and lonely. I wish no one to feel this alienated.
So how can I help?
I say re write the interview I saw of you – and add some of the truths about how it is for you. How isolated you feel. You may find countless people your age taking note and coming to you for advice and friendship. They may see you as this amazing athlete and feel they can relate to you . YOu can mentor them – begin a great thing and become this awesome leader. I want to see you stand in front of an auditorium one day – lecturing to kids about overcoming the challenges and isolation of being blind in sports.
Think of the most amazing people – Sammy Davis Jr Andre Bocelli. Both blind and LEADERS. The cannot interpret visual nuances – so their empathy and ability to live deeply and center on the true importance of things – is much deeper than their visual counterparts.
You are bright. You are wanted. You are a leader even though it feels like opposite day for you.
I will run with you and feel very proud to have such an amazing person on my team.
We need you on earth. YOu are going to do amazing things and beat this crap feeling. But you have to hang on. OKAY?
one more observation – you say you dont want to be like an every day highschooler and judged.
I think based on what you wrote, you DO want to be an every day highschooler and fit in. TO be accepted and cared about in a way you feel secure.
Also – every day highschoolers. NOT A BAD THING! As a mom, HS kids are the most amazing people – they are funny, deep , interesting. Nothing is common. This includes you. So the one thing that sets you apart is your blindness. My sister is legally blind so I have an idea of the hurt you have been exposed to. She was hurt when kids were mean to her about her eye patches and wandering eye. It was maddening to see her endure the hurt.
So do you want to be a Hschooler? Or unique in some other way? Because every single HS person IS unique. I dont judge the age as I find teens to be amazing precursors to adults.
and yes a win will come.
Just some tips. OK?
You have an advantage. Wrestling is being a warrior IMO. Warriors are those winners who experience tactical advantage from a place of strategy – not emotion.
It cannot be to win.
Try this –
I have a degree in Phys EDU and I am a long time martial artist. I trained MMA, MT, KB, Aikido, Kali.
Most opponents rely on visual cues to determine space and time and make their plans for destruction based on those cues. Close your eyes. Your advantage is to not be intimidated by their eye contact.
When you hit the mat – listen for breathing patterns in the opponent. Back off and let them tire themselves out. Pin – lie – wait. Or be pinned lie and wait. Listen. YOu can also FEEL spatially where they are and what they might do next based on spatial cues. You know how to tell when someone is near. You feel breath – barometric pressure cues. Heart rates. Take a deep breath – aim for the tired opponents weakest point and do it with calm, assured accuracy;
many martial artist train with blindfolds to learn skills you have learned already. Hell you could teach that to a class!
Calm – center and FEEL. Dont worry about the win. I think you know this but the current state of your so called friends is overshadowing your amazing ability to even get on the mat.