My mind is so foggy I can’t even write about what I’m thinking about. Even though I am on anti-depressants, my depression has gotten a lot worse over the years. Although I think a lot of it is situational. I never get out of the house and I don’t have much interaction with friends. Sometimes I’m so tired of digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole that I am trapped in. As soon as I see light, I crawl back in, probably due to fear. I had a job a few months ago and I was doing a lot better but I quit. Every time I start to see some hope, I self-sabotage.
I remember one day I was walking down the street on a sunny day. I heard people laughing in the distance. It made me remember of times when I was once happy. I miss feeling genuinely happy. Most of my hobbies are not enjoyable to me anymore. Actually none of them are.
Maybe those times I remember being happy aren’t even real. Maybe I’ve never been happy. I’m starting to think that happiness doesn’t even exist. I wish I could end it all now but there must be something stopping me. I’ve tried several times before and I’ve realized that if I really want to die, I have to use a reliable method. It’s not that I’m 100 percent set on killing myself. It’s just that I’m keeping my options open. I would like for things to get better but they never seem to anymore. I don’t know what else I can do.
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Yes… I very well know what you are feeling. Just now my friend texted me inviting me for her party. But I lied to her and said I couldn’t come.
I’m cutting myself off from the world. The light is a lie. All throughout my holiday vacation I stay at home. Bored of the same games, tv shows, same routines. But I don’t want to go outside. I die everyday.