Hi, my name is Ruben.
I’m only 16 years old and I’ve been thinking of suicide since I was 10. I know it’s perhaps a bit young to think in such a way but I really am convinced that I should die. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I want to try every kind of help first.
See, there lays my problem. When I search for help all I find is “talk to a friend”, well I have, And it wasn’t a great experience. I have told her everything and it helped for a while untill she got this boyfriend that started sucking up her attention. By now she’s even afraid to meet me, everytime we are even in the same room she gets obviously nervous. It makes me feel bad and guilty that I made someone take care of my life while I should be able to keep it myself.
I think I have avoidant personatility dissorder. I say I think because there is no point in getting tested before puberty is done even though I do fit most of the symptoms for it.
I am afraid of being judged for who I really am. I’m not a nice person, I’m a suicidal fuck who’s probably not gonna live very long. I can’t make myself trust anyone and the people I do trust stab me in the back by leaving me , like the friend I told xs. I’m at the point that I just automaticly assume all social relationships will fail. I hate looking at couples because I get jealous because I will never be able to even simply hold someone.
Since even my closest friend can’t even help me with this I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m even afraid to post something on one of these sites. I’ve been contemplating this dicision for a long time but here I am.
What should I do next? I’ve told a friend, I’ve told the internet, I’m afraid of telling anyone else and nothing has changed or seems to be changing.
6 comments
hi. i relate to you in just about every way. i had the same problem with a friend verse the gender he got a gf and was no longer important. i dont leave anyone i really like helping others..i know u said u cant really trust people and i dont either but if u do want to try someone else to talk to email me:
hannahschelling.15@gmail. com
best wishes to you(:
Change takes time friend, getting better takes time. you say you have been suicidal since you were 10, if thats true then there is two posible reason. 1 you were abused in some way or something very bad happend to you or a family member leading to depression. Solution talk to a therapist and work that shit out. 2, you have a chemical imbalance in the brain brought on by puberity causing depression. Solution see a doc and get some anti depressiants to fix your chemical imbalance.
You should email fakingit, its good to have someone you can be completly honest with, and no harm can come from you two emailing. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
Welcome to SP, I hope your stay is short and you get well soon.
Ruins
Dang, I solute you because we are in the same situations. I agree with Ruins though, you just need the right person to talk to. I am still looking though, count yourself lucky. Good luck!
why do you feel suicidle ?
Well, thank you all for replying 🙂
@RuinsOfTheVoid, I do think it has gotten worse with puberty but I never was a happy kid in the first place. I haven’t been abused or didn’t really lose someone so I guess it is best to seek medical attention. And I really really hope you are right about no harm being possible in emailing, but I see no reason why not to give it a shot.
@TheNoNamer, if you are in a situation like mine, try making a post yourself. There is nothing to lose in trying.
And @fakingit I guess you’ll hear from me xd
@keezie1 I find this a difficult and direct question. I think that if I could put my finger on I would have solved it by now.
Hello again Ravanys
I cant tell you how happy it makes me to see someone taking positive steps in their life and recovery.
Keep us updated on how you are doing.
I wish you happiness.
Ruins