I’m familiar myself of this constant thought of “what if…” but after I hit rock bottom I realized that I was glad I never did. I never considered myself actually suicidal or depressed but I was. I only felt better once I met kids like me and realized that I wasn’t alone. I know what it feels like to feel so trapped inside, with only pain, so please try and tell someone or maybe chat me or someone else on here because we’re a community of the struggling and even if you can’t see it, there’s a lot of people who care about you, even if you don’t know it. Good luck, and I’m sorry that you, too, have such horrible inner demons.