For the first time last night, I have thought about suicide. I feel as if my life is just this huge joke, I have never been so lost. I have no one to go too, and the people that I talk too think I’m just exaggerating things and that what I’m feeling will pass. I was hoping they would be right. So far, they’re not.
I’m in my first year of University and honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing. My four years of high school where the most life changing, and not in a good way. My best friends decided I was no longer friend appropriate so they all ditched me. Luckily, others where there too help. I found new friends and began another path. It was hard finding new friends because I have bullied and I have been bullied for quite some time during my childhood. People don’t seem to trust me and I don’t trust them either.
In 9th grade I was in my first relationship. He was older than me and wanting to have sex. I wasn’t ready, but it seems as if I didn’t had a choice. Strapped down and crying, forced to feel this “pleasure“. This continued for 6 months. I didn’t know how to get away from the problem and no one knew of it. It was the weirdest feeling having no one know of what is truly happening. Sitting looking at everyone smiling. The only thing I could think of was, who else is faking a smile? Who else is living a lie? After having courage to break up with him I entered another relationship. He was an alcoholic. When he drank he became impatient, angry, aggressive. I cannot count how many times he passed out at the wheel while driving. This one night it was raining and he drove so fast we hydroplaned and almost crashed. That night I got into the shower as a get away. A place to cry and hope. That wasn’t the case. He burst the bathroom door open. I was no longer safe in my shower. I could smell the alcohol off of him. All I could do was look at him with this grin that even to this day haunts me. This lasted almost two years.
After that break up I embarked on another relationship… However this one nothing was wrong. It lasted a good two years. But I didn’t feel comfortable. I no longer loved him. I just wanted to be alone for once. We broke up just about four months ago.
University is so hard. Everyone seems to know what they are doing. Everyone seems to know who they are. I don’t.
I’ve had this friend with benefits, he was perfect. But did not want to continue seeing each other because we were getting emotionally involved. I cried so much, because for once I felt comfortable. I felt safe. I trusted him. Now, we barely talk.
This other guy started talking to me. I know who he is. I also know that he is not boyfriend material type and would never go for a girl like me. But I don’t mind because all I need now is someone to talk too. We got sexually active and now I’m getting attached. It hurts to think that I might never be happy. I might never trust a guy. Because of my bad karma, I no longer believe in love. It’s all just a hoax for me. But yet again, I find myself falling for this guy that has no conscience of my emotions.
My ex wants me back and I find him just so annoying. He doesn’t seem to understand that I just don’t feel the same way anymore.
I have always felt as if my parents loved my brother more. Appreciate him more.
I’m falling classes.
And last night, while hooking up with that guy that doesn’t know anything, something in me sparked. I don’t want to live anymore.
To some this story may seem surreal or exaggerated to others it may seem like nothing at all and quite pathetic. But for whatever reason I do not want to live anymore. At first I thought, it’s the alcohol. But I’m sober now and feel greater pain that last night. I was hoping someone or something would take me away. I was planning my death. I still am.
2 comments
It’s not your fault that you’ve gotten into bad relationships and don’t know what to do; plenty of people do, because the fact is that everyone goes through rough patches in their lives, and this just happens to be yours.
Just remember that “life is like a piano; the white keys represent happiness and the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life’s journey, remember that the black keys also create beautiful music.”
Also, you’ve only been feeling this way for a day or two – make sure you really think it through and not do anything rash or make any abrupt decisions. Remember that we – everyone on this website – is here to help, so if you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to speak out. (:
This is the older you talking…I know the way out…follow me.
Find an intelligent, wise, counselor -no wait, listen, find that person with a good moral compass and talk to her about the rape and bullying. Trust me on this one, it put a hole in your soul and you must find a way to heal it as much as possible (it will never completely heal) and …and this is the hardest part…and learn to love yourself in spite of it. The rapist was an evil sadistic animal.
NO ONE, no one knows what the fuck they’re doing their 1st year college and if they think they do, they don’t. And EVERY ONE, every one at some time or another fakes that smile you were talking about.
Women can’t do friends with benefits. Can’t. We love with our hearts, men love with their dicks.
Find that person you need to talk to. Remember, dismiss the idiots who are out there in that profession and find the right one for you. Allow yourself to feel sad, to feel like shit, to feel as if you can’t go on – allow those feelings – welcome them – don’t fight them – but don’t let them over take you. Right now that is what you are feeling, this is where you are. Sit down, breath and the next step will come to you.