A New Feeling

For the first time last night, I have thought about suicide. I feel as if my life is just this huge joke, I have never been so lost. I have no one to go too, and the people that I talk too think I’m just exaggerating things and that what I’m feeling will pass. I was hoping they would be right. So far, they’re not.

I’m in my first year of University and honestly, I have no clue what I’m doing. My four years of high school where the most life changing, and not in a good way. My best friends decided I was no longer friend appropriate so they all ditched me. Luckily, others where there too help. I found new friends and began another path. It was hard finding new friends because I have bullied and I have been bullied for quite some time during my childhood. People don’t seem to trust me and I don’t trust them either.

In 9th grade I was in my first relationship. He was older than me and wanting to have sex. I wasn’t ready, but it seems as if I didn’t had a choice. Strapped down and crying, forced to feel this “pleasure“. This continued for 6 months. I didn’t know how to get away from the problem and no one knew of it. It was the weirdest feeling having no one know of what is truly happening. Sitting looking at everyone smiling. The only thing I could think of was, who else is faking a smile? Who else is living a lie? After having courage to break up with him I entered another relationship. He was an alcoholic. When he drank he became impatient, angry, aggressive. I cannot count how many times he passed out at the wheel while driving. This one night it was raining and he drove so fast we hydroplaned and almost crashed. That night I got into the shower as a get away. A place to cry and hope. That wasn’t the case. He burst the bathroom door open. I was no longer safe in my shower. I could smell the alcohol off of him. All I could do was look at him with this grin that even to this day haunts me. This lasted almost two years.

After that break up I embarked on another relationship… However this one nothing was wrong. It lasted a good two years. But I didn’t feel comfortable. I no longer loved him. I just wanted to be alone for once. We broke up just about four months ago.

University is so hard. Everyone seems to know what they are doing. Everyone seems to know who they are. I don’t.

I’ve had this friend with benefits, he was perfect. But did not want to continue seeing each other because we were getting emotionally involved. I cried so much, because for once I felt comfortable. I felt safe. I trusted him. Now, we barely talk.

This other guy started talking to me. I know who he is. I also know that he is not boyfriend material type and would never go for a girl like me. But I don’t mind because all I need now is someone to talk too. We got sexually active and now I’m getting attached. It hurts to think that I might never be happy. I might never trust a guy. Because of my bad karma, I no longer believe in love. It’s all just a hoax for me. But yet again, I find myself falling for this guy that has no conscience of my emotions.

My ex wants me back and I find him just so annoying. He doesn’t seem to understand that I just don’t feel the same way anymore.

I have always felt as if my parents loved my brother more. Appreciate him more.

I’m falling classes.

And last night, while hooking up with that guy that doesn’t know anything, something in me sparked. I don’t want to live anymore.

To some this story may seem surreal or exaggerated to others it may seem like nothing at all and quite pathetic. But for whatever reason I do not want to live anymore. At first I thought, it’s the alcohol. But I’m sober now and feel greater pain that last night. I was hoping someone or something would take me away. I was planning my death. I still am.