Fear

I’m just getting weaker and weaker every day. This world brings me so much pain that even looking outside the window tears me apart. I feel hopeless, like I’m trapped in some medieval torture device and can’t escape. I’m afraid of life and death, both options just scare me so much it’s hard to breathe.

Life? Decades of suffering, loneliness, working a job that I will hate (if I even will get any job at all), growing old alone, dying alone and sick… all the moments that I will cry, wish for death… I can’t imagine actually living, outside, working, talking to people. It all seems so sad, people seem so sad

Suicide? Well, I’m quite sure I will survive any attempt and be paralized, or if I die I’ll just end up in hell, or as a ghost or reincarnated or whatever. Still, I guess I would go for suicide if there was a sure option, but we all know here that it’s really hard to kill yourself. I don’t have access to guns, so it’s even harder. My option is to jump from about 30 meters, I would fall on soft ground so I don’t know if that will kill me…

I just don’t really want to exist. I don’t want to live. I would go for suicide if I wasn’t so afraid. I’m just afraid of everything, life, death… waking up every day. Afraid of feeling, of being. It’s just hell really, and if there is a god he’s a sadist. I just can’t think of any good method to end it that I can use. I don’t want to end up paralized, that would be a nightmare, there’s no euthanasia here…

Just venting. Every time I write something here… well, it’s always pretty much the same stuff. There’s not much new to say. Seriously, XXI century and we still didn’t come up with some great suicide method for people without access to guns. If there was some sort of a suicide pill available for everyone then millions of people would just kill themselves and society would collapse… but that would be great, that would be the great big “fuck you” to god, it would show just how sad humanity is, and how living on this planet sucks. Even now, when it’s so hard to do it thousands of people kill themselves. It’s sad, but it also strangely makes me feel less alone. Just like reading this website, every day there’s new people here. Different problems, but the pain and search for a suicide method is what we all have in common. We live and want to die, while so many people want to live and die.