I keep falling for the stupid lies.
“I love you”
“We are going to be together forever”
“You are my world”
“I can’t live without you”
Bullshit. I fall for them every fucking time though. The thought of us being together and happy seems just in my reach, just over a small hill. But really it’s millions of miles away and I will never reach it. We will never reach it. I just want us both happy. Actually correction, I only care if he’s happy. At this point I really don’t care about myself. I don’t know why I keep falling for the lies. Is it because I want to be with him so bad I’ll sacrifice everything? Or is it because I’m too stupid to know he’s just going to fuck me over? I tell myself to never do it again and within a month we are talking again. Then after a while of talking I end up crying my self to sleep for weeks. (Currently in that stage at the moment.)
I remember just a couple months ago writing my suicide note. I sat for hours writing his. I told him I loved him but it was okay if he didn’t love me back. That I wanted him to be happy and find his love because I wasn’t his and we both knew it. I still have that letter. I keep it with my blades because I know when I open that box, I’m going to end up using the blade.
I might need that note sometime soon though. I mean what’s the point anymore? He was the only reason I stayed alive. I’m just too ugly and stupid for anyone to ever love me.
1 comment
I can relate to this a bit. Funny thing was, in time, I realized that I really just hid feelings of hate for myself behind the love of someone else. I put more effort into loving someone who didn’t deserve or earn it than in improving and loving myself.
But in the end, my opinions of my best options haven’t changed much.
I hope you find your “point” outside of your love for him.