Deep ocean blue
Carry me up from your depths
Deep ocean blue
Carry me away from the untrue
Heartfelt tears I’ve only cried
No more late nights
Just be honest and say they were lies
So I’ll spend my last night dreaming of you
And I’ll cry my last tears over you
I’ll write my last words to you
And I’ll dry the blood from my veins because of you
I didn’t go for 3 reasons:
1. I was too suicidal to function
2. I had a dream about my ex boyfriend last night (the only guy I’ve ever loved). We had a long distance relationship and in the dream, we met for the first time. It was so amazing but in the dream we were actually dating. It would beÂ completelyÂ different if we met now..I couldn’t have went to school because if I did, I wouldn’t be able to fake the same smile I usually do.
3. Over half of my grade level went to a trip to Atlanta to see the Braves play and some other stuff so everyone who didn’t go were split up into different homerooms. My homeroom just happens to be with every person in my grade who either hates me, makes fun of me, or thinks I’m a freak. So I ended up sitting alone and listening to them talking about me and laughing about me ALL FUCKING DAY yesterday.
Today during creative writing class my teacher really wanted to read a poem I wrote about me loosing my best friend (well she didnâ€™t know what it was about). IÂ didn’tÂ want to say no because it would have hurt her feelings, so I said â€œsureâ€. She started reading the emotion-filled poem out loud. We had a visitor in our class who, just from the few lines my teacher had read, was completely focused in and had an amazed look on her face. Apparently so did everyone else in the class.
As she was reading, I started to realize what the words actually meant to me. TheyÂ weren’tÂ just words on paper, it was my way of â€œspilling my gutsâ€. My face got hot and I could feel tears in my eyes as well as a good sized lump forming in my throat. Today was the day I finally realized everything Kayla meant to me..
Thinking back, I thought I’d been self harming for a year now but really? I’ve been doing it for almost 3. I was just thinking about everything and I remember in 6th grade I used to line my arms in rubber bands and just flick them until my wrists were bloodshot red. Then in 7th grade IÂ finallyÂ got over that and tried cutting but swore I’d never do it again. Then IÂ developedÂ Trichotillomania (pulling out my own hair) and that got to anÂ extremeÂ enough point that I had to cut my hair short enough where I couldn’t see it unless I looked in the mirror. I still have the urges to do that and sometimes I do but not nearly as bad as it was before. Now I cut every night…everywhere.
All of my interest is gone. I go to sleep every night hoping with everything I have left (which is not a lot) that I don’t wake up. When I do wake up, I get ready, go to school, fake the same smiles and talk to fake friends that will all stab me in the back eventually, go home, cut, maybe eat and then sleep and hope the same death wish. I just want to be done. I have nothing left to give. Everyone that I cared about left. I have no one. They’re all gone. I want to fall into an endless sleep. Actually I want to get sick. Something the doctors can’t treat. That way I’ll die with honor. They only thing I’d be sad about is I wouldn’t be able toÂ fulfillÂ my dream of being anÂ army cadet.
I haven’t posted in a while and frankly I’ve hit new lows. I read a post on here a while ago that said you cannot contain your cutting to just one part of your body, it will spread. I didn’t believe this at all. I thought I could just cut the fuck out of my left arm forever. Well now it’s everywhere on my body. Stomach, arms, thighs. Everywhere. And I love it.
Me an my boyfriend broke up (again) because he said he couldn’t handle my problems.
My best friend has to be home-schooledÂ because her mom hates me. I haven’t seen her in weeks now and I never thought I’d miss her this damn much. My other best friend hasn’t came to school for a week straight now and I can’t call herÂ becauseÂ once again, her mom hates me. Last time I talked to her she was talking about how she wanted to kill herself more than anything right now…and guess what? It was my fault. I told her to give her ex boyfriend another try because she loved him so much and he dumped her because she cut. He called her every name in the book then blocked her number. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. Everything that happens to everyone is my fault. I should just end it all and get out of everyone’s goddamn way.
I put a post on here a couple of months ago saying I wish I didn’t have any friends so I’d have another reason to end everything….I guess that wish is making itself come true…
I told my mom I was going to join the military and go into combat. She was so pissed. She said I was basicly just getting in a line to go get killed..she just doesn’t know how many times I’ve attepted to kill myself at home…
My boyfriend of almost one year, the only guy I’ve ever loved, told me he couldn’t handle my issues anymore and broke up with me. He says he can’t handle me hurting myself and hating myself. I told him I just could help it…the worst part about this whole thing is I can’t cry…I’m too numb to cry. If he’s tired of me hurting myself then why did he break up with me? I’m just going to do it worse now…
I’m just so tired of feeling this way. No one cares about me and I have np reason to live. I’m tried of waking up everyday and wishing I hadn’t…
I haven’t writen here in a while. A lot has happened…well I guess you could say that. My depression has gotten to a point where I don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t want to get up in the mornings or go anywhere. I’ve lost intrest in everything that used to be inportant to me. Understands why I feel this way. If I tell them, they change the subject.
I’ve began to cut again…this time more often and more at a time. My boyfriend says I need to stop before I go to far…honestly I don’t care if I go too far. He never talks to me anyways. I do good if I talk to him more than 10 minutes a day…which is bad considering he lives over 2,000 miles away from me. Honestly, I don’t think he cares about me what-so-ever. I just think he feels bad for me. He knows that the only reason I stay alive is because of him and if he breaks up with me, he thinks I just might go end it all. He just talks to me just enough to keep us together.
And speaking of my thoughts, I am beginning to be quite paranoid. I think everyone is hiding something from me. I believe that everyone secretly hates me.
My thoughts are actually beginning to scare me though. I’ll be sitting at an intersection in my car and imagining the light turning red, me running the light and an 18-weeler hitting me head on. I can picture the blood and the broken glass just like it’s actually happening. It’s all so vivid by the time the daydream it over, my body feels like it actually happened. I picture myself dying more than anyone should. I picture myself falling off buildings and crashing cars. Being shot and even being mauled by a bear. They are just all too real…
March 18th will be the one yearÂ anniversaryÂ of knowing my ex….that day I’m going to send him a message telling him how much he means to me and tell him I still love him…but I’m going to ask him if he really wants me in his life but if he doesn’t, I’m gone.
At first all I wanted was to be with him and I would risk everything..now all I want is to see him smile again and I willÂ risk everything for that..even my life..
I will probablyÂ relapseÂ that day but it will be okay..I just need to know his answer..
You know what would be wonderful? If I got Cancer and died. See I wouldÂ rejectÂ ChemotherapyÂ and then I’d die sooner or latter. Then everyone would talk about me after I died like I was such a wonderful person.
“She fought so hard”
“There was always a smile on her face”
“She could always make me laugh!”
Maybe my dad wouldÂ finallyÂ show his face at my funeral…first time in almost 10 years…Or maybe my mom wouldn’t even tell him about it…My teachers would probably come. I was a very loved student. IÂ hardlyÂ ever did my homework and I was failing most of my classes but they’d come…I’m sure of it. My reading teacher would probably read some of my writing at theÂ service. I loved to write. I was accepted in toÂ magazines. They would probably find my profiles on Writer’s Cafe…they’d read the things I was so afraid for other’s to read. They’d find out I had a different side….one I never wanted anyone to know about…
My friends and family would speak so kindly about me. Hannah would say I helped her so much when he boyfriend moved to California…Madi would say I was always there when she needed to talk…Oliva would say that we always had a good laugh together and could relate so much…Katie…well she’d say we wereÂ inseparable since 6th grade year when we found out we were the exact same….Jenni….she probably wouldn’t come…not because she hated me but because there had been too much death around her..Brice….He probably wouldn’t come either….2,000 miles is a long ways to drive for a lover’s funeral….My whole school would probably come…not because I was well known or loved..but just out of respect…when my friend died last year of Cancer over half of out school went…everyone loved Spencer…
They’d play some of my favorite songs…most would be disturbed by my taste in music though…
Weeks later my mom would probably clean out my room and find my box…..They’d find the key that I taped under my bed…..They would open the box and find suicide note after suicide note. Then, after reading through all of them, they’d discover at the bottom,Â underneathÂ a flap, they would find my blades….then the one covered in the most blood…then they would know…..I wouldn’t be their “little girl” anymore….I’d be someone they never knew….a stranger.
“There’s something cold and blank
behind her smile
She’s standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself”
I relate to these lyrics so well.Â ExperiencingÂ different drugs to escape from myself. But all the drugs in the world won’t save me from myself.
I had a dream last night.
We get weighed every few months.
I had anorexia last year.
I’m okay now.
But my dream…
I stepped on the scale..
Then I woke up.
I’m so afraid to eat anything now.
Last time I stepped on a scale I was 106
That was August …
Hundreds of people a day, if not thousands, join this website wanting someone to hear their voice, to understand them, to be welcomed with open arms by people who have been in the same situations as them. This leads me to think, how many of the people whoÂ aren’tÂ with us anymore are dead?
My anxiety is slowly pushing me over an edge that I’m not ready to go over. See, for the past week my anxiety has been driving meÂ absolutelyÂ insane. I’ve been sitting in my room, waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. Is it good or bad? I don’t know. I don’t know what it is or what I’m waiting on but last night it hit it’s peak. I felt like I had something to do. Something important. I kept pacingÂ acrossÂ my floor, hoping I’d know what it meant. Which,Â finally,Â subsided 4 hours latter. Maybe this is a way of telling myself to try and get better? Or maybe it’s a way of urging myself of this cliff ofÂ absoluteÂ insanity. I’m not sure..I don’t know..
The only reason I didn’t end it all was because I thought you’d miss me..I think I was wrong..I may need to rethink my options.
You saved my life once but now you’re the one helping me to end it..
See I say I would love to kill myself but the truth is that there are a few things I’m afraid of. One being I won’t be able to ever really ‘hug’ him in real life, considering I’ve never met him in person before. Another being no one will miss me. Of course I wouldn’t know anyways but it’s still a fear. The only reason I didn’t really kill myself (when I was going through worst times) was because I thought he’d miss me. Right now I’m not sure if he would..
The truth is that I don’t think I could ever really kill myself. I just think if a choice come at me, like for example, if a car was coming straightÂ towardsÂ me and I had the chance to move out of the way, I’m not honestly sure I’d move..
Why can’t I just die…
I keep falling for the stupid lies.
“I love you”
“We are going to be together forever”
“You are my world”
“I can’t live without you”
Bullshit. I fall for them every fucking time though. TheÂ thoughtÂ of us being together and happy seems just in my reach, just over a small hill. But really it’s millions of miles away and I will never reach it. We will never reach it. I just want us both happy. Actually correction, I only care if he’s happy. At this point I really don’t care about myself. I don’t know why I keep falling for the lies. Is it because I want to be with him so bad I’ll sacrifice everything? Or is it because I’m too stupid to know he’s just going to fuck me over? I tell myself to never do it again and within a month we are talking again. Then after a while of talking I end up crying my self to sleep for weeks. (Currently in that stage at the moment.)
I remember just a couple months ago writing my suicide note. I sat for hours writing his. I told him I loved him but it was okay if he didn’t love me back. That I wanted him to be happy and find his love because I wasn’t his and we both knew it. I still have that letter. I keep it with my blades because I know when I open that box, I’m going to end up using the blade.
I might need that note sometime soon though. I mean what’s the point anymore? He was the only reason I stayed alive. I’m just too ugly and stupid for anyone to ever love me.