Hi people.

God it feels good to be able to talk about this.My parents won’t talk about it and when i even try to go into that area they just look at me like I just said that I want to kill grandpa. I feel suffocated because I was trying to run away from my mistakes and now I made the biggest one and couldn’t escape again.I feel so bad. They’ve taken me to psychiatrists and they asked me “Would you do it again?” and I said of course not but sometimes I feel the urge. Like sometimes my father look upon me because he’s an architect and I’m studying architecture. And he would comment about my grades and how lazy I am and I feel the urge to slit my throat in front of him.But I wont. Nor because of him,because of my mother.I should have think about her.She’s my everything and I just threw it all away. I’m lucky that she forgave me.I know I’m not talking about the suicide but the consequences because this is the hardest part.The attempt was so easy you wouldn’t believe.I was depressed for a long time and they gave me these pills,these magical pills to calm me and make me see the positive things.So I did the positive thing and took all of it.I have panic disorder too and they gave me Xanax but I never had the urge to took all of it which would be so much faster but no I took the other two.And regretted it in a second.I went downstairs and told my family to take me to the hospital.I still feel sick about it when i think about it.It was 20 seconds of stupid courage.I’m sorry I get really sidetracked but I have to get all of this out of my head.Sometimes I feel the tube.The tube was inserted from my nose to my stomach and I still feel the liquid they gave me to make me puke.I stayed there for 10 hours and luckily my heart and liver was okay.I feel like a shit sometimes because sometimes my mind wonder;what if I didn’t survive?I would be dead my parents would be mourning,some of my so-called friends would write on my wall on facebook and in 1-2 years(I’m being generous here,I think everything would settle in 6 months) they would get over it. I have really confused feelings about it really.I couldn’t tell anybody about my suicide.I told them I was sick and my temperature was so high I was in E.R all day.And you know what sucks?I was depressed because of all stress of school and the day after my suicide attempt I went to school and I had full time lessons and one of the lecturer scolded me because I wasn’t in school yesterday.This actually made me believe that God has a sick and twisted sense of humor. I still cant talk about it.I want to quit.I really do but I cant.Not again.I don’t want to take pills again I don’t want to see my parents like that again and I don’t want to feel like I need to end my life.I’m 19 by the way.I might have a long life ahead of me.I know you’re going to judge because I still have some urges but like I said I had to share one of the biggest mistakes of mine with someone and I don’t have anyone around so yeah that is it,sorry about the mess,I got side tracked really easily.