i cant hold one anymore.

im trying to cope with everything goin on in my life right now. but its so hard.. i can see the steps replaying in my head of how i can make things better but feel like my depression is holding me back. its so ohard when you have no one to talk to about it and the people you  did have dont understand stand what it is to deal with depression on an everyday badsis. it consumes ur life. i hold it all in. the fact that my husband hates me. he was my only friend. and now he hates me. he wants to leave me because ive gained wieght. i wanna lose the wieght i really do. ijust cant.  it holds me back the voice wont shut up.. i dont wanna live anymore. bu ti have three kids and i have to live for them but i want to. i wanna fgo to sleep and never wake up and at the same time stay strong. its so hard when no one understands you.