So it’s been about a year since I last posted here. When I last posted http://suicideproject.org/2011/11/tonights-the-night-i-guess/ I wrote about how I wanted to just end my life so badly since I pretty much fucked up every relationship in my life and just believed that I was a shitty person.
Well, long story short, I walked onto a bridge in the middle of the night with the intention to jump hoping no one would have to see me. Some drunken biker stopped right behind me and just started shouting shit out like “DUDE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING BREH? DON’T BE AN IDIOT! LIFE IS GOOD!” and I couldn’t really bring myself to commit suicide in front of this guy, so I walked away thinking I’d go and try again in an hour once I was sure there was no one around.
On the bridge, there are all of these “If you need help, call” signs posted around since it’s a pretty popular place for people to kill themselves. So I just said “fuck it”, I really wanted to talk to someone. I’m terrible at communicating with people and constantly bottle up all of my emotions, so I thought it’d be nice to try to talk to someone and get all this stress out, and honestly, I don’t think I really wanted to die right at that moment. I was just doing because I knew that I’d eventually regret not having done it that night, which just felt like the perfect time.
I don’t really recall exactly how the conversation went once I called the suicide hotline, but I remember getting a ton of shit off my chest, and for the first time for as long as I could recall, I felt relief. I was still planning on doing it since as I said, I knew that once I went back to my daily routine, I would regret not being dead. She eventually convinced me to just straight up abandon everything and try to start over somewhere else, which seemed like such an amazing idea that I just said “that sounds perfect” and hung up. I immediately walked down to the nearest highway and tried to hitch a ride to anywhere.
It’s been over a year since that night, and I’ve been…well not happy, but better than I was. I traveled a lot, was homeless and ended up sleeping on the streets and in abandoned buildings for many nights, but I was away from everything that made me miserable. Eventually I managed to settle down and find some entry-level job to support myself in some apartment with a bunch of room mates.
I thought I had gotten over being depressed and suicidal, but now it’s finally coming back and I’m regretting not having died that night. The shitty thing is, a lot of this is because of a girl. When I last was feeling depressed, I had a lot of shit going on in my life that even now, I would say I was justified in feeling suicidal over. This though…fuck. I should probably explain that with this girl, I feel we shared a lot in common, we’ve both been depressed and suicidal, and we’ve had many conversations about our views on life that made me believe there might be something more there. Instead, she just wants to be with these happy hyper-sexual party going guys and just sees me as some emotional crutch or something like that.
I guess she probably needs someone who will help take her mind off of all of her problems, but the problem is that this isn’t the first time this has happened. Every time I meet someone I feel I have some connection with, they always end up preferring someone who’s a complete opposite to my personality, and these constant rejections just make me realize all of my short comings.
I feel I should be happy with everything else I’m doing with my life. I’ve gotten back into school and I’m doing well, my managers at my job all think I’m amazing and are trying to set me up to be promoted if I choose to stay, and my social life is actually pretty good. I’ve created a pretty large circle of friends who all constantly invite me out with them and seem to appreciate my company. It’s just this one aspect of my life that makes me feel fucking worthless, and I feel ridiculous for feeling so down just because of this. The thing is, I know I can get girls interested in me if I act like some super-confident alpha male, because I have, but eventually I get sick of playing that role and then as soon as I drop the act, they leave.
Well, this ended up being way longer than what I intended to write. If anyone actually read this far down, thank you.
3 comments
I’m glad you’re still alive<3
I read it all. Take advantage of the opportunities your friends are giving you. You have something good here. Something I don’t have. Good luck man. 🙂
Fare play for leaving everything man, that took guts, and u (evenyually) landed on ur feet and are doing good, and obviously must be a decent person cause everyone seems to love you. Now my personal view on women is that they are all annoying, high maintanance and just selfish. Sadly most girls seem to be the same way as this girl u described nd the ones that arnt have issues. sad to say it but its true, what im trying to say its not ur fault this keeps happening with women and u shouldnt take it personally, they all alot of hastle, if its ment to be then the right one will show up at some stage in ur life, u just have to wate long enough. and if stuff does get u so bad that ur back on another bridge, why dont u just repeat urself, just up and leave and start over again, reset the clock, i mean it worked once, theres no reason it cant work again, and im glad u called the suicude hotline, its good to have old members come back and let us know how they doing.