I was born January 24th 1992 to two loving parents. When I was 3 years old my mother decided she wanted to become sober, I assume from seeing how much my father drank and from how often he supposedly was never home. She started going to AA and did become sober, when my father was asked to do the same he wouldn’t do it. A year goes by of my father not being home and always being at the bar, needless to say she filed for divorce. My parents got divorced when I was 4 years old, “Oh your parents got divorced? My parents were killed by rebels when I was an infant” says the starving African child. Anyway, so my mom got custody obviously and my dad continued to drink. He was given visitation privileges every weekend, although he was court ordered to not drink when I was in his custody he continued to do so. I spent many weekends in the bar with my dad wanting to go hunting or fishing, but “Luke I’m gonna have one more” and so on. There were weekends when we went hunting or fishing, but that was just a side project compared to the main subject of more drinking. I got older and this continued on, when I came of age I learned of my fathers past. His dad, my grandpa, died when my father was an infant, a tractor fell on top of him. I suppose you’re thinking, “How in the hell did that happen?” I honestly don’t know, then my grandma met another man, his name was Joe. Joe was an asshole, he beat the living shit out of my dad and his brother Allen, who later died in a car accident. Then My grandma gets lung cancer when she didn’t smoke a day of her life, and she dies. And who gets everything she left? Joe does, but not before Joe tricks my dad and two aunts into signing a document that gives the land to Joe that my dad was supposed to inherit. So, all this shit that has happened to my dad, constantly without interruption gets drilled and hammered and shoved into my still developing brain. I suppose you’re thinking, “Oh no, his dad beat him because he was beaten as a child.” No I was never once beaten ever, which surprises me to this day, but I guess when you loathe someone so much you make it your mission to not be like them. School was great, except I could not for the life of me get a girl friend. I was a chubby kid, I wasn’t made fun of, I had a lot of friends, I guess it was just because I was chubby, that is the only thing I can think of. Get to middle school, no first kiss, no girl friend. Get to high school, no first kiss, no girl friend. I tried, boy did I try, and sure enough rumors started to spread that I was gay. Which I could care less about, except when it’s coming from the people who you think are your closest friends. So I graduated high school as a virgin, the very core of the word virgin, and I started to distance myself from the people who I thought were my friends. As this is happening I come to find out that my mother and step father have decided to retire and move to Arizona, in which I live 5 states away from. So, my mom moves away and I start going to college, I now have no friends, am a virgin, and about to be 21, where my only real friend is my alcoholic father who I now drink with. I have been contemplating suicide for a couple of years now, it would be as easy as going to my fathers house, putting a shell into my 12 gauge and pulling the trigger. But I think about what would happen to my mom, how sad she would be. And also my dad, despite him being an alcoholic and a shitty excuse for a father, he still loves me greatly. I have this sick, twisted thought in my head that if I do commit suicide maybe it will somehow get back at the people who spread rumors about me, but then I realize, no it won’t they don’t even like you, sure they will be sad, but they will get over it. Then I get this idea that if I maybe get cancer I can get a hold of my 3 close friends and apologize to them, BUT FOR WHAT?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!! I WAS A GOOD FRIEND!!!! THEY WERE THE ONES WHO STABBED ME IN THE BACK!!! I DIDN’T DO SHIT TO THEM!!!
Anyway after saying all that I’m feeling better, I hope some of you did take the time to read all of that. I left out A LOT, isn’t it funny how we remember the bad times instead of the good times. But then again maybe the good times weren’t as good as you thought they were. Oh well, I turn 21 in two weeks, hopefully I will die in a car accident wasted and stoned out of my mind. And hopefully I don’t take a family with me.
6 comments
Hello,
I hope things get better for you, I know what depression feels like! I don’t know your situation exactly, but I do understandd depression and feeling suicidal. I’ve been that way for years, my current attempt was stopped by a doctor but I wasn’t put in hospital because some family was there at the time and it involved them substituting my soft drinking adiction to another, healthier soft drink. Then I read something online about a New zealand woman dying after years of drinking coka cola every single day, something like eight or ten litres of it every day that is. Honestly I would have been much much worse with that, but no it didn’t work out. So my suicide is on hold now for another few years. I mightn’t even try to kill myself by then. Life could be totally different! As much as our situations are totally different, I hope life is going to change for the better for you too.
Thanks I hope you your life changes for the better.
Wow!..i was a 92 kid too..and i also started college as a virgin.still a virgin,.forget about that and face your life.seriously i cld relate in so many ways to ur story..i just wished we were friends..type in your email bro..and lets have our stories changed.with a start over..
funykid17@aol.com
This sounds horrible, everything you’ve been through but the last line, hoping you die in a car crash and don’t take your family with you? Having your son dead is a worse faith then death. You have to keep looking for something, anything that makes you happy. Whether thats going back to education to study for something you have always wanted to do or even just travelling. Most people who suffer from depression like the sounds of you have a higher intelligence therefore by going to certain places means you can appreciate so much more. Places where you honest to god see beauty rather than just empty country side. Stop drinking, drinking is actually a depressant and will never help anyone or anything. No matter how far gone your dad is he hasn’t a hope in quitting unless you help yourself so you can help him. There has got to be something in life for you and i know its a shit thing to hear but you’re only 21! you literally could do anything in the world you wanted to do. Coming from an 18 year old it may sound patronising and you’re right noone can really understand whats happened in your life because they haven’t lived it but i went through depression at 17 and with the help of anti depressants and an actual goal i’m now more into college work and studying hard for my alevels and i’m so focused and actually genuinely happy for once, to know that i can leave and go wherever the fuck i want and do whatever i want to do! You have so much life left you can’t just experience the shit and thats it its not fair you deserve some goodness in your life and you will find it but suicide is a horrible thing. The actual thing is when someone does commit suicide they don’t get to see the mess they leave behind them and the amount of people that are left broken…well that kind of love is enough to live for. Your life hasn’t started properly please please please try and do something new have the motivation from anti depressants or a goal or however you do it but travel or study or move just try again!
Not take my family with me, I don’t want to take someone elses family with me. I’m single, I have no children.