Over my head

I feel like I’m slowly drowning, being overwhelmed by my life. I’m only 16 years old, and I’ve had thoughts about killing myself since I was in 8th grade (I’m a junior in high school now). I’m not really sure how they started, or even why. I was doing well in school at the time, and there weren’t any problems at home. For whatever reason I was tormented by this feeling of worthlessness, maybe it was because I didn’t have a lot of friends, I’ve always been sort of an introvert. When I got into high school, my older brother started doing really poorly in his classes, and was diagnosed with depression. My dad was furious at him, always shouting at him to get out of bed and do some schoolwork or something. Meanwhile, I had lost most of the few friends I had because they went to different schools, and was feeling more alone than ever. This was when I realized that I couldn’t tell my parents about the thoughts I was facing every day, the longing to end it all. My brother managed to graduate high school early, at the end of his junior year, and is going to community college now but my parents, especially my dad, still see him as a sort of failure. I didn’t want to be a failure in the eyes of my parents, so I never told anyone about the way I feel. I tried my best to keep my grades up, but I was starting to have trouble sleeping at night (maybe insomnia? i don’t really know) and was falling asleep in class, so my grades started dropping. This was the beginning of my sophomore year. As the year went on, things started looking up. I found a new group of friends, and somehow managed to get a girlfriend despite how messed up I am. Later on, some of my new friends and I started experimenting with alcohol and weed, which at the time I thought was great because I didn’t really think about suicide or how much of a failure I am when I was intoxicated and surrounded by friends. Unfortunately, everything I had going for me then fell apart at the beginning of this school year. My girlfriend decided to dump me at the end of the summer, and I still don’t know why, I guess she finally realized just how pathetic I am. I also stopped the smoking and drinking, which I thought would help me develop a more positive self image, (I’ve been feeling pretty stupid and ugly lately) but all it did was separate me from  some of my friends. The rest of my friends from last year have been hooking up on the weekends and having sex with each other. None of the girls want me to be a part of that, but I don’t think I want to either, so noe of them talk to me much anymore. My ex girlfriend went off and started something with another guy, and I don’t even want to know what’s going on between them. I have to see her every day in class, and I guess I’m still not over her because it hurts like hell, I tried so hard to hold up our relationship. So now I’m more alone than ever, and my grades are still on the decline. I’m in my junior year, the same time that everything fell apart for my brother, and it’s happening to me too. I’ve started not doing assignments, and faking sick so I can stay home from school. I feel like absolute garbage and I have no one to help me, I feel like I’m doomed to repeat what happened to my brother, maybe worse. Every day I think about suicide, at least 10 times a day. I hardly remember what it’s like to be happy anymore.