proof that it could be worse

I don’t whine. I’m not here to get attention. I’m here to give you some perspective and because I need to get this off of my chest.

Everybody has problems, bad things happen to them, but I have just had so. many. I hear a lot of stories of peoples hardships and only once have I heard one that made me feel like life has not singled me out to be the waste bin for all leftover bad karma that doesn’t get dished out. Yet even still, I think I would kill to have had her life instead of mine.

When I was 5 I was abused. Sexually. I blocked out the memories until I was 12 but for these 6 years all I can remember is where it happened – my room, my then blue, supposedly safe room, and 2 snippets of what he made me do. I dont remember how many times it happened, or how long, and I don’t remember his face. I don’t remember how old he was, if he was family, a friend, a neighbor. I don’t know if I still talk to him to this day. I cant stomach the thought of him still being welcomed into my house, having to laugh politely at his jokes, having to hug him on his way out. But I cant remember, and ive tried so hard to. All I can remember is him standing there and making me get on my knees, or getting in my bed with him. Even worse, because I cant remember who did it, my mind started grasping for any face to put to my abuser, and it grasped my brother. My memories are tainted further with the thought of my older brother making me do things I did not understand. And I almost could have believed it had he not been 6 at the time.

Im 18 now and ive never had a real boyfriend because of him. Boys have liked me, how is a mystery to me, and I have liked a couple of boys, but I just cant date them. Dating means physical contact… holding hands, hugging, kissing. I cant do that. I’m not comfortable with guys. I cant hug my friends. Ive only known 2 guys who ive been comfortable with. Two. And one of them is gay, and the other, gone. I’m 18 and ive never had my first kiss. Ive had a dream about that kiss twice now. Both times it goes from first person i-feel-whats-happening to watching in third person as if it was a movie. I feel comfortable in my dreams and still it eludes me, that feeling that somebody actually cares about me.

I also have body dismophic disorder apparently, possibly stemming from what he did. People tell me I’m pretty all the time, but when I look in the mirror I cry, I see a monster, a monster who’s friends are lying to to protect her feelings. I have to spend at least an hour in front of the mirror every day before I go to school, if I even go, trying to get rid of the circles under my eyes caused by the stress, my insomnia, and all of my medical problems, and all of the other problems I always find because if I don’t I will break down and hide in a bathroom because I cant face people.

Whatever he did to me, changed me, this paranoid, insecure, terrified girl became a creep magnet. I don’t act like a whore, if anything I act like a prude, and I don’t dress like a whore, but people treat me like I’m easy. Freshman year, sexually assaulted at school, in front if the people I thought were my friends who did nothing to help me. Field trip, a senior decided to try to take advantage of my innocence, acting like I was his pet. Sophomore year, sexually harrassed for months by a guy who thought id sleep with him. One time I went out with a group of friends for the day, one od the guys I didn’t know very well decided to claim me, he kept pulling me back to him, holding my hand as if keeping me on a leash. The list goes on. Not to mention things strangers say, or the whistles I get from grown men in their cars as I walk home.
Ive asked people why these guys target me over other girls but they never know why.

But that’s not all. As if rape wasn’t enough.

I’m sick. For the past 3 years my health has declined so much. And yet ive never been to the hospital. And my family doesn’t believe me, they don’t see it.
Ive had probably over 10 doctors/specialists. Ive tried so many pills, only half of them fit in a shoebox, only a handful have at least partially worked.
I have migraines. Chronic migraines. I get them almost every day. I cant focus, my head throbs I feel dizzy, I cant stand any noise, and my stomach turns and I get so nauseous. The first med I was prescribed for it I had to stop because apparently it wasn’t safe, on the second one I could not stay awake, I was litterally falling back on my bed every time I tried to get up, the third one made my stomach worse.
My stomach… this part is complicated…. well, more complicated. I started taking lots of nsaids, trying all of the different brands and types hoping that something would stop the pain. That caused gastritis. New meds fixed it but the pain continued and we discovered a lump in my abdomen, and its been there for over 6 months now with no progress on finding out what it is. The stomach pain is now classified as an abdominal migraine after numerous blood tests and ultrasounds but I still don’t have meds that help my migraines.
I have breathing problems. Pain that stops me from breathing long enough to make my head spin.
I have arthritis.
I’m 18 and I feel like I’m 80. I’m tired all the time, I cant eat anymore, I don’t have any ‘good days’ anymore. But I’m not coughing up blood or having a seizure so my family doesn’t believe me and they hate me because I cant go to school every day, and my teachers hate me because I don’t go every day. I havent gone to the movies in a year, the last time I got to hang out with my friends was months ago.
I’m all alone, I’m in pain every day, and I cant cry because when I do I get I migraine so intense like constant screaming in my head.
I want to die everyday. Every. Single. Day. For over a year now I wish I could. I wont, but unless i get a miracle I’m going to die of exhaustion. I will die alone, no friends left, never having had my first kiss, having my family hate me. I have never done so many, many things you take for granted.

So I hope your life has been easier than mine, but if you don’t think it has been right now, know that this is literally only half of it.