The Guilt Is Killing Me .

so , i have a girlfriend that im with right now , and i love her very much but we have a history that im not particularly proud of . It wasn’t even her, i just hurt her too much . I’ve done too much to her and even though she says that she forgives me , i just cant forgive myself. We broke up twice, each time it was because of me. She’s told me i broke her heart many times,that ive hurt her feelings many times . She tells me everyday all the things I’ve done to her, and everyday when she tells me these things its almost as if there is a bottomless pit within her damaged heart where she pulls out emotions and memories of pain. Its almost as if there is no end to these bad memories . And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I’ve tried to deal with it by cutting myself because i know i deserve it. But she doesnt like that. The only thing about it is that it makes it harder to vent. So whenever she tells me these things every day saying things like, you left me crying and you didn’t even come to me or especially when she said that shes cried herself to sleep many times because of me . it hurts . . . i dont know how to deal with this guilt and depression and shame i have because of these memories. Especially when she tells me personally, through her innocent voice that is like a knife to the heart. i just feel depressed , it makes me feel like i never should of met her, that i deserve to suffer for putting an innocent girl that only has loved me even when ive caused her pain and ignored her. I’m just so ashamed and depressed . I love her, and that just makes it worse. she wants me to forgive myself and forget. But i just cant. Although it pains me to say it, i wish we never met, that way she would be happy and get what she always deserved.