What is reality

I used to have it all. 4 years ago, I was so popular at school, great at soccer, had loads of friends,.. But now I’m depressed, I suffer from social anxiety. I’m always stressed out. I used to self harm. I tried to kill myself twice but both attempts failed. I don’t even know why I’m still alive. There are so many people dying everyday, and here I am.. Still alive. I’m afraid of actually killing myself cause I really don’t know what comes after death. Hell? Who knows.. I hate my job, I hate my school, I hate my life. I still got a few friends though, but I hardly ever see them. The only thing that’s keeping me alive is lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is basically just being aware that you’re dreaming and it feels even more real than reality. My life is perfect in my lucid dreams. So every morning when I wake up, I feel like shit. Wishing I could keep on dreaming. I just wanna die but i’m afraid of what the afterlife’s like. I hate myself so much asdfghjkl