there are no words capable of expressing how much she has broken me.
i hope she never has the audacity to ask why.
i have a plan and a date already set, but i don’t think i can suffer this heartache for 76 more days.
i could never stop loving her. when i promised her my heart it was forever and always, no matter what. when she promised hers, it was only until something else comes along. i will not break my promise and become like her and like everyone else. my hearts last breath with be only for her, even if she has become so horrible and cold as to treat me this way. because being honest with my heart is the only way i will ever live, and die.
19 comments
Always be honest with your heart, but please know that it can mend and you can become one who comforts others enduring the pain you now feel. I understand. When someone you love and would never hurt allows themselves to hurt you, the pain is deep. You are one of the sensitive ones. I’m sorry for your pain.
time does not heal all wounds. and some things are more important than mere existence. love is an example of both sentiments…
People with broken hearts are stubborn and impossible to give advice to. I know because I’ve been that person many times. I know you’re hurting and that nothing else anyone can say will make you feel any better, but I guess I’ve been heart broken enough that I’ll still sit here and throw in my two cents.
I have always taken my relationships way more seriously than anyone I know. And I have always handled breakups absolutely horribly. At this point I’m sure entire years of my life have been wasted by letting myself be miserable and depressed over girls who decided to leave me.
Case in point, my last relationship ended in late 2011. I wanted to marry her. And I used the EXACT same word you chose to describe yourself, my ex left me BROKEN. Literally if you could imagine a person being made out of fragile stone and somebody taking a sledgehammer or a wrecking ball to it. I was broken. Completely. I even used that word to tell her how it made me feel. I finally thought I had found the girl who was going to stay with me.
Anyways, do the math, it’s now early 2013 and I’m still here. I’m not going to lie and say it is easy. I have still thought about her almost every day. I am absolutely a hopeless romantic and get hugely attached to the people I chose to have a relationship with, so don’t try the “you just don’t understand” stuff on me. There is not a bigger romantic sucker in the world and as I’ve just told you, it’s been over a year now and I am still getting over my last ex. I get it. Losing love sucks. And I know it absolutely does bring you to the brink of wanting to end your own life. I know that feeling that there is absolutely no reason to wake up anymore. Really all I can say is that you have to learn to not let love be that much of a priority in your life. That’s actually the very reason people will NOT want to be with you, you can’t make someone else your reason for waking up in the morning. You have to be your own person and have your own life and have your own reasons to get out of bed in the morning, and then you share that life with someone else. You can’t let a relationship become your life. Your relationship ending should not mean your life is ending. That’s an obvious clue that you let this person become your entire life. No person = too much pain = don’t want this life. You have to get past that. It’s the type of romance written about in Shakespeare and millions of other romance novels, but in real life, it’s called TOXIC love when you let it get to that point. You should not need another person to keep living your life. I know it hurts enough to want to die, but you can live. I’m the weakest person in the world when it comes to getting over someone. But I’m still here and slowly realizing I someday will meet someone else and love them too. And I know you’ll just tell me “if you feel that way then you just didn’t love your ex like I loved mine” but that’s not true, I simply have the perspective of being 13+ months past my breakup that you don’t have yet.
Also sorry but it cracks me up when people come to this website sounding so distraught and torn apart but then throw out some ridiculous deadline like “I don’t know if I’ll make it for 76 days!”. What?! I don’t understand the fascination of suicidal people with setting deadlines. If you were really that destroyed you’d want to be dead in the next minute, you wouldn’t be planning it for 76 days from now. Setting a deadline shows that you DO want to live, you do want things to get better, even if you try to disguise it with whatever excuse like “I’m just waiting for school to end” or “I’m waiting for a certain event to pass”. The fact is when someone is really suicidal they go jump in front of a train and that’s it. If you’re planning to live for another 2 and a half months before even doing anything, then you’re going to make it, you just need to chill out and get through the initial horrible pain. Breakups suck, it feels like your skin is being ripped off every second you have to be awake thinking about this person. But it won’t always hurt that bad. I’m not sure if it ever heals completely, because I still think about this ex and even some of the girls who came before her, but that’s just because I’m a romantic idiot who doesn’t understand why things can’t work out sometimes.
You can live. People get obsessed with the idea of “I lost THE ONE”, but that can’t even make sense. “THE ONE” you’re meant to be with is going to be the one who DOESN’T leave, even if you have a huge argument, even if they’re feeling bored in the relationship, even if they meet someone more exciting, THE ONE is the person who is going to forget each and every one of those complaints the moment they look into your eyes and realize they would never want to be without you. Losing “the one” is an oxymoron of an idea that can’t possible exist. “The one” is the one who doesn’t leave. The second someone breaks up with you and starts to entertain the idea that they might be happier living the next fifty years of their life without ever seeing you again means they are not the one. The one will not want to be away from you for an entire day much less the rest of their lives. The one will be the one who doesn’t want out of the relationship. So when someone chooses to walk away you should just try to look at it as them doing you a favor and not wasting any more of your time because they have revealed their true colors and let you know that they were not “the one” who is that deeply in love with you. They have set you free to go live your life and find the person who is really going to love you. I loved my ex so much and if I think about her too long or let certain memories into my mind I can still be brought to tears over a year since I last saw her, but even I am open to the idea that she obviously wasn’t the one for me, because she has now spent a year without me without any attempts to get back in touch, and whoever “the one” is who I am going to end up marrying, is not going to want to leave me. Even if she came back right now, rather than thinking “she must be the one, she came back!” I would instead think to myself “you can’t possibly love me that much that you willingly just lived the past year+ of your life without wondering where I was or how I was doing”.
Anyways I’m rambling, but my point is, you didn’t lose the perfect person. That doesn’t make any sense. The perfect person for you is never going to break your heart like this. The perfect person for you is never going to want to leave you or make you hurt like this. Don’t try to justify it by saying things like “they WERE the one but I messed it up because I did this or that”, again, the perfect person would forgive you and love you, we are all human and we all make mistakes. You didn’t screw anything up with “the one”, you just found out that this person doesn’t plan to stay with you. It’s like saying “I can’t find my favorite red shirt, have you seen it? It’s blue.”. That makes no sense. Neither does “have you seen the one I’m meant to be with? They broke up with me and I can’t find them”.
Recover. Heal. Take care of yourself. And maybe one day you’ll be ready to start looking again.
Also in response to your whole “I’m not gonna break my promise like her and everyone else, my last breath will be for her”, I can understand that too, I have felt the same way before. When I tell someone I love them and start looking at engagement rings with them, as I did with my ex, I’m already making a promise, I have no intention to ever stop loving them. So I struggled with that too, she left me, but I can’t just go start being in love with someone else and forget about her, I loved her, I was already planning to get married and make it a permanent promise. Now I’m just supposed to stop?
But what you have to realize, is once the other person leaves, you absolutely have the permission to break your promises and move on. As a matter of fact, you aren’t really breaking the promises anyway. They are the ones backing out of the deal first. Picture the relationship as a circle that both of you were standing inside. They already turned around and left. There is no rule that says you now have to stand in that circle for the rest of your life. You can turn around and leave now. And nobody is going to point at you and say “promise breaker! You told her you loved her and now you’re turning away!”. She left the circle first. There is nothing there for you now. There are no more promises to keep. You do not owe it to yourself, to her, or to anyone, to stay in love with her. I know that isn’t exactly a choice right now, even if you wanted to stop loving her right now, you can’t. But don’t hold yourself back with these thoughts that it would “make you like every else” to stop loving someone. Don’t imprison yourself in that empty circle because of some false sense of dignity or honor. There is no promise that you are responsible for keeping anymore. She left.
Why pledge your last breath to someone who decided they don’t need you? That’s a big waste of your last breath. Might as well dedicate it to your favorite book or a blade of grass. Why throw away your life for someone who turned away from you and walked the other direction. Save your breath for someone who matters. Breathe your last breath far into the future when you are long married and have a family and when it is finally your time to go.
Please no one is worth dying for especially when they up and leave you all broken. I’ve been in love, i’ve been broken, I’ve been left to suffer alone and I;ve also thought about killing myself rather than having to go thru this pain everyday, but when i think about ending my life for someone who will prob just feel bad for 2 seconds and move on ,it just doesn’t make sense…. My life is worth more than someone’s 2 seconds of sadness and yours is tooooo
ThousandCuts makes a lot of sense… but I’m closer to your state of mind myself. I do hate to see someone waste their love on an undeserving person, though. I know a guy who’s been in love with a woman for 10 years, although she never had any romantic feelings for him and he always knew this… he pledged marriage vows to her and still means them. I think that’s an incredible waste, he’s such a sweet guy with a lot to offer, but he says he’s going to keep loving her unless someone new comes along to take his mind off her (I don’t see that leading anywhere good for either party). She’s had three boyfriends in this time and that doesn’t deter him. Why hasn’t he killed himself? Because he’s found other things in life that make him happy. (I do envy him that, if nothing else)
I understand setting a date because I’ve done it myself. There is an appeal to having a countdown, a light at the end of the tunnel, something you can look forward to… but in the end it might just need to happen a bit more organically.
thousandcuts – not everyone posting on here is looking for advice or to be talked down so-to-speak. sometimes it’s because they wish to release these thoughts and feelings into the world, because they have no one else who will listen. and all they want is to be heard, not preached to. my apologies, but i feel that you say a lot and listen very little. you seem to hold judgment against those whom you simply cannot or choose not to understand. i have seen many of your other responses to others and to me it appears as if you are always attempting to give direction, which in some cases is exactly perfect… but in other cases it comes across as arrogant and righteous. i cannot speak for others with certain deadlines, but for me it is partially practical, and partially symbolic. and for some the idea of personal symbolism is very important, especially in our final wishes. for me personally it’s a last ditch effort, as well as an anniversary.
and simply put, just because someone breaks a promise first, thereby giving you permission to break yours… does not mean it’s always the right thing to do. permission does not grant justification to go against personal values. just because something has become a socially accepted way of life for some, does not mean that it works for everyone.
bottom line, i am not an idiot. i understand the logic and rationale completely. however, i am in love. and love is (to me) giving into that madness which leaves logic behind. your advice, though long and surely thought out, is just that. advice. based on seemingly the “logic” of love…
your claim that you are a “romantic idiot” is based on what you understand love to mean to you. not everyone agrees with you (or me) on what love is. so declaring what is and isn’t the right thing to do in the name of love becomes a point of personal beliefs, not pragmatic dogma.
xylem – no, it doesn’t make sense, but making sense isn’t always part of the equation of love. hardly ever in fact. but our choices are our own.
sadbk – some devote themselves to religion. some devote themselves to themselves. and some devote themselves to others. in the end, it’s all a matter of personal choice. the person i am is for the woman i love, and as i pointed out already, i feel that love has very little to do with reason. sometimes i wonder why no one ever seems to think it’s strange that some people devote their entire lives and deaths to a god or gods particular happiness, but someone who would choose to devote their life to another actual person here on earth is considered either crazy, stupid or sad… just a thought.
Wow I’ve never seen someone so completely piss all over 45 minutes that I spent at my keyboard trying to make them feel better. Alrighty then. Breaking a promise isn’t the right thing to do but killing yourself for some person that didn’t want you is the right thing? I tried to take your side and speak softly but now I’ll just tell you that you sound fairly creepy for pledging your undying love to someone who broke up with you. Most people in the real world wouldn’t even entertain your sob story like I did. They’d tell you to have some guts and move on.
I talk but don’t listen? In order to reply to you so thoroughly it very much required that I read and listen to your initial post first.
Nobody is talking down to you or calling you an idiot. It must be some underlying personal insecurity for you to have come to that conclusion. Nothing I said to you was condescending. Nowhere near as condescending as you immediately judging me, telling me that I’m preachy and don’t listen. I gave you mere comments and advice. The fact that you are insulted by receiving advice from someone apparently means that you think you’re above it. You’re the arrogant one here.
But I should have taken my own first sentence to heart, fools in love are stubborn and don’t want advice. Also no point in debating with someone who openly admitted to everyone who replied so far “I know I’m not following logic or reason and I don’t care”.
If you want people to “just listen” then why come to a public forum where people can respond? Did you know that you can turn off comments on your posts? You should from now on, that way people will know not to waste time replying to you since you already have it all figured out and aren’t looking for any input. Or just write in a journal. Nobody will bother you there.
Good look with your big dramatic 76 day wait!
I understand u r trying to vent, but when you declare that you want to kill yourself the initial response you’d get is ppl trying to make you feel better and reason with you. you are in pain it is obvious and if you are that madly in love and determined that death is the way to show how devoted you r then good luck,
Thousandcuts- Sorry, I may be taking this the wrong way, but I disagree with everything you just said.
Do you NOT understand the purpose of this website? If you are saying those things why are you even on here? I dont mean to sound rude, but why? not every single person is the same. Some people come on this website looking to talk, not b talked down to by a judgmental jackass. Im heartbroken. I take advice. And I say Ill stay around a little longer for my family. The ones I love that are still alive. When you say “I understand” No, you very well might not. You have no clue whatelse that person is going through or what thier feeling. Take it from me, just because a person says something, doesnt mean that’s all they’re feeling.
You’re trying to make them FEEL BETTER? by telling them to basicly just get over it and it’ll be alright? (sorry rough quotes) Everybody told my friend that, and he killed himself. The way you desribe suicide is crude and vauge. That’s not how it is for everyone. I wanted to kill myself. I am still here for the people who care about me.
Yeah, I know Im dramatic. I get that much. But dont go commenting stuff like that when there are some people clearly not wanting advice or an ass on their back.
Sorry, again I might be taking this too seriously butoh well..
oh and one more thing, I wonder why people are distraught when they come on here, the name is afterall the suicide project. I have plenty fucking reasin to be distraught. Im not an attention seeker. Im here to tell my story like it says in the desription of this website. You say that they didnt loose the perfect person, but how can you ever know? They might be the perfect person to them.
To love.lost.gone and ThousandCuts: May I hug you two? It’s just…I really want you both to feel understood and appreciated…
To love.lost.gone: I’m so sorry you’re in that much pain… 🙁 Just so you know, I do think it is crazy, stupid, and sad to devote one’s whole life to an imaginary being and its happiness…
To ThousandCuts: I…I really just want to hug you and tell you those 45 minutes prove you are a good person with his heart in the place. I’m sorry your effort and advice weren’t appreciated… 🙁 I guess…some people just don’t want advice…
love.lost.gone, I understand, I feel the same. he lifted me to somewhere I had never been before. He was starting to make me better, but unforrtunatly, 13 years of depression, then being re-diagnosed as being bipolar, isn’t going to go away in just 6 months. I hurt him through my low delusions, when I felt like I wanted to break up with him, cos I didn’t want to sink him alongside with, that I’m not good enough for him. He said he saw through my problems and just wanted to fix me and love me and make me happy, but I just pushed him away too hard. And now it’s just too late, I’ve lost him forever cos of what I’ve done, and now he’s already moved on in just 3 weeks. And I’m left completely broken, shattered, irrepairable. I understand your need to find away out of this pain. Truely I do.
thousandcuts – seriously man. the purpose of my reply to you was not to “piss all over” your response. i said it was obviously thought out, and while unsolicited, i understand your reaching out. i was not trying to be mean or hurtful to you or your intentions. however, your second reply seems to be very much an attack on not only the way i feel, but what i choose to believe as well. when i said you speak a lot but listen very little, i only meant that what you say is limited in response to what is available for you to read on the screen. there is always more to a persons life than words are able to fully express. it was a critique on the medium, not really on you personally. you can only imagine how to fill in the blanks between the words, and to do that you use your own beliefs and personal history. and in this case, that isn’t enough to fully listen.
i didn’t ask you to “entertain my sob story” (which if i recall i have not told you any stories)… i was expressing my feelings in a place i felt comfortable doing so. period. and i do so in a semi-public place because there are on occasion those who are willing to actually listen, rather than advise. and no i do not in any way believe i am any better than anyone else on here. just unique in my own situation and beliefs. there is a difference between believing that you are better than someone vs believing that you are different. i never claimed that me or my personal choices were better than yours or anyone else. just that they were mine. period.
in no way do i imagine a big dramatic countdown. it’s very slow and painful everyday. but in some respects i feel it allows me the time to fine hope to extend the deadline just a little bit more. to me it seems your sarcasm is only further evidence that you simply are not able to relate… because as i have stated, you are different than i am. not better or worse, just different.
and if you re-read my original reply, i didn’t say i thought you were “talking down” to me… i said that not everyone who posts here is looking to be talked down so-to-speak. meaning talked back from a metaphorical ledge. meaning they do not seek advice on trying to feel better. it is my belief that compassion can come in many forms. trying to fix something is one, and accepting someone and simply listening is another. i never claimed that you called me an idiot either. i was simply stating in a obvious way that i am perfectly aware of the unreasonable way i am thinking. period.
the very fact that it would be considered “creepy” by the “real world” is the very socially accepted absurdity i am bothered by. i do not like using this as my example, because it’s only a story and it doesn’t fit my situation at all, but most the world over holds romeo and juliet up as an example of “true romantic love”… yet at the same time most anyone who actually believes that the loss of love is worth dying for is thoight of as you said, “creepy” or in need of help to fit in with the rest of society.
i apologize if you felt my reply was an attack on you, your beliefs or your choices. it was not meant in that way. just, thanks, but no thanks i guess.
sleeplessinSTL – the last thing i wished to do was create an atmosphere of anger and hostility. i totally appreciate your putting your thoughts out there as well, but name calling and stuff only breeds more negativity.
it’s easy sometimes to become angered by the careless way some people (not specifically thousandcuts, just some people in general) hash out advice and their own values as if they have the right answer for everyone.
there is a quote from dr. martin luther king jr. that goes something like, “Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars… Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.â€
now, in speaking of violence that is totally true, and once more, his thoughts on hate (or anger if read in a certain way) are also just as true.
i read your first post a week or so ago, and i remember it really touched me. thank you for sharing that piece of you.
my wife was my best friend for over a decade. we both made mistakes and neither of us were “perfect”, but i always felt that she was perfect for me. with our many imperfections, we were perfect together…
blacklight915 – thank you. even a virtual hug is nice sometimes. sometimes, it’s all i can really hope for.
nat – i am sorry to know that others do know this pain as well. it is unique to everyone, but just knowing how empty and alone you must feel is terrible, and i wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone, ever.
moving on is what most people do. it seems to be normal. but for some, it also is impossible. some wounds never scar over… the bleed out, slowly, for days, weeks, months, years, or however long until the only way to stop the bleeding seems to be to end yourself. i wish sometimes i could let it scar over, and be normal like everyone else. but, as i said, it wouldn’t be true to my own heart. i just won’t allow myself to love her any less. and i know that “moving on” doesn’t always mean that you love someone any less, but i know who i am and what my heart is capable of. and i know that i could love another person… but i also know that i would always feel like that new love was a second place love, a consolation prize i guess you could say. and that wouldn’t be fair to that person, or true to my heart either.
so, yeah….
Not to takes sides at all on the disagreement that took place, but I am seriously impressed with ThousandCuts’ knowledge and advice transfer. What a wonderful friend and partner he would make. ThousandCuts, I salute! 🙂
To love.lost.gone: You’re welcome! I’m not really sure why, but I often quite enjoy hugging people! 🙂 Sorry it took me so long to respond…