a troubled mind

the month of february has been quite eventful for me. unfortunately none of the events have been good. mentally i am a mess. underneath the usual depression there is a sense of panic stricken terror. something awful is coming but i can’t identify what it is. something is going on with my physical health. bp is way high which is unusual for me. the jitters, dizziness and sense that i am not in control are scaring the shit out of me. it is like one badass panic attack that continues day after day. usually when i am stressed like this i write. but lately i have been having a hard time putting together literate sentences. my mind is racing from one thought to another. my therapy sessions have been intense lately. i suspect that i was sexually abused as a child, based on the bits and pieces i remember of my childhood. i have had therapists ask that before and i always denied it. but now there seem to be too many coincidences . it is something that we are going to explore and i hope that i am wrong. so throw that in there along with a suicidal depression, stress in my marriage and you have a very toxic brew.  and there are other fucked up things going on too-not wanting to eat, drinking too much, etc etc etc. add in that i have already been hospitalized this month. there seems to be no escape from myself. i probably shouldn’t be alone right now but there isn’t much i can do about that. there is no one amongst my circle who knows what has been going on. my choice. and it takes way too much energy to get them up to date. so i will tell you. the fact is i am still very much suicidal. and the immediate future is not looking too promising.