i have been suicidal for years. come close several times. never have i had the voice in my head tell me it is time. until now. over and over again it tells me that. at seemingly random times. when i am out , at work etc etc. i suffer from major depression. have since i was a child way past that now. this time of year is hard for me for several reasons. i get seasonal affective disorder. november is the anniversary of my mom’s death. the holidays have always been rough. january is the anniversary of my dad’s death. they died unexpectedly at relatively young ages within 6 weeks of each other. so it goes the usual sad story blah blah blah. it is time. that voice tells me. i have done my time it says. i am one of those people who can hide in plain sight. a talent of mine i developed over the years. with that invisibility comes a talent for erasing myself from peoples lives. a strong belief that if i’m not here it won’t be a big deal. anyone who has felt alone in a crowd knows what i am talking about. i was doing one of my favorite things (Sonic Boom-rock concert) and i still felt alone. that voice was there. i am not looking for advice. i know what i need to do. i have a time in mind. a means is easy enough to get. while i have promised my therapist i would call in an emergency i don’t know if i will. it is time.
i am writing this at the behest of my therapist. he thinks people out there could benefit from my insight. so here goes. had a philosophical discussion on suicide. more specifically on who does it. my theory is that there are two camps. the first one acts on impulse when faced with a devastating loss or set back. the other camp thinks about it. analyzes, plans, dreams, dissects it. and that is where i am. the reasons, the hows and whys change. but it never really goes away. it is always there waiting, lurking. a quick “easy” solution to life’s problems. at times it seems so reasonable. a viable answer to a life long question. i can look at it from a cold, calculated, detached position. it always finds me wanting. it spurs me to make a will, make my accounts POD , look at my life in a purely numbers perspective. like dying is just an ordinary business decision. it dismisses all emotions, people as incessant blather. easily discarded, easily ignored. it disregards any evidence that my life is worthwhile. that i matter, that i am loved. like the song says they betray i’m your only true friend now, they betray i’m forever there. sad but true. i keep suicide in my pocket because it is an old familiar friend. because it speaks to me. when i was a kid suicide was a way to get attention. a way to get revenge on the people who hurt me. when i became an adult it was a way out of the intense pain i was in. a way to dispel the intense hatred i felt for myself. a way to act out the core belief that i was worthless, pointless. what is it about now? now that i am approaching 50. is it about a quiet acceptance that i am a fuck up? a belief that it is meant to be? like its been predetermined? or maybe just a major malfunction in my wiring. a look back at a wasted life-a life full of woulds,coulds, and if onlys? does my hatred, self loathing truly trace back into my dna and is thus incurable? Guy and Will are trying their damnedest to convince me otherwise. there is a part of me that listens politely. a part that maybe even believes them. if i dare to let myself be. if i can dare to let myself live. it fills my head with scary thoughts of failure, loneliness, utter depression. the what ifs of rejection, despair or utter indifference. you will be a failure so don’t bother even trying. you are worthless. no one cares. no one will miss you when you are gone. i can erase myself so easily. a talent i use to torture myself. whether i believe it or not depends on who is screaming loudest. the suicidal me has been front and center for what seems like forever. the positive me hides in the shadows. she doesn’t say much. sometimes it is hard to believe she is even there. but she must be or else i would have been dead years ago. by all rights i should be dead. but someone apparently thinks i need to be here. i wish they would clue me in. am i really worth saving? why?
70/30 that’s the ratio of where i am currently leaning in the daily life/death battle in my head. obviously if that was on the positive side i wouldn’t be posting here. saw a new doc yesterday. i apparently scared him because he had me sign a no self harm contract. i have signed them before not a big deal. i suppose my flat affect when talking about dying didn’t help. anyway he put me on rexulti. anyone been on it? i had never heard of it. the list of possible side effects was interesting. after being on so many other meds i have lost faith in pharmaceuticals. all i really wanted was something to help my anxiety and to help me sleep. can’t get my brain to shut off. not that that should come as any real surprise. been here before. of course i haven’t been completely honest with the therapists or the doc. they don’t know that the when, where, and how have already been determined. while i haven’t procured the how just yet that is easily done. the when isn’t set in stone. but like i have said i am leaning that way. i see no reason to clue them in. one because i don’t want to be hospitalized again(waste of time and $). two because this is my mess and my responsibility. if i want to be stopped i will be. if not i won’t. i have been saying for months that there is only one person keeping me here. the past couple of months it seems like that is no longer enough. i have so much anger it is consuming me. i don’t know what to do with myself. the anger, self-hatred, anxiety, depression is eating me alive and i see less reason to let this continue everyday. the more i delve into my head the more i realize how fucked up i really am. my therapist says i am expecting some big thing to come along and change my life. that it was a gradual process getting to where i am and it will be a gradual process getting out. maybe that is all true. in the meantime i am making plans, getting my ducks in a row. the when is only a couple of weeks away. maybe things will be better but i truly doubt it.
the voice in my head that has for months been telling me it hates me just recently changed its tune. now it says its time. why that is i don’t know. but i am listening. been thinking real hard. seems to be six of one half a dozen of the other. i have a “contract” with my therapist to see him on tuesday. but that is four days away. in the now it seems like a reasonable thing to do. no one other than my therapist knows how suicidal i am. and that fits my m o . if i am dead i don’t have to go to work tomorrow. if i am not i had better be there. no hospitalization. its just an expensive warehouse. nothing changes. keeps me safe for a couple of days. big deal. then i would have to explain myself to people i don’t want to explain myself to. i realize i am no longer free to speak to my therapist without threat of hospitalization. it pisses me off because i promised myself i wouldn’t cry wolf again. too late. me and my big mouth. i know they have to do what they have to do. i have played this game long enough to know the rules. it would suggest that i don’t really want to die. perhaps. there is an intense battle playing out in my head. should i or shouldn’t i? it’s exhausting. there have been signs pointing to which side wins. they are subtle but there nonetheless. i really don’t want to hurt anyone , but the battle has been ongoing for 36 years and i am tired.
five months since i have posted here last. five months of pure hell. grief, depression, resentment, self-loathing, the ever present “it” that wants me dead. there isn’t any facet of my life that is good right now. i am currently purging my house to both make room for all the stuff from my recently deceased parents house and to symbolically at least erase myself. the farther removed i am from my parents deaths the more everything seems wrong. there isn’t a facet of my life that is going well for me. marriage, job, health etc etc etc. i was ready to check out today. i have set a date. when is largely irrelevant. things i need to do yet to prepare. i have spent a lifetime hiding in plain site. no reason i can’t hide a little while longer. hide, disconnect, detach, erase. remedy this horrible mistake of a life. its my mess, my responsibility.
i am reeling from the death of both parents in a two month span. trying to deal with a slew of health problems. having an alcoholic husband. suffering from life long treatment resistant depression. and there is that suicidal demon inside who never misses an opportunity to point out how easy it could be to go. it tells me at seemingly random times i could do various things to end this sad life. six months ago i set a deadline. that day was yesterday. how ironic that yesterday i got the first check from my parents banking accounts. i can’t do that to my brother. i have to stay for him. but it is persistent and opportunistic. and depression never takes time off. i am trying to overcome. without meds. i am willing to give meds another try but the psychiatrist wont see me. i am looking into tms. all of this is pointless if the demon won’t let up. i am afraid. afraid this will be the year the demon wins.
the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work today because i couldn’t keep myself together. walking and chewing gum seems like too much to ask. my mind sabotages me. there is that little voice that keeps coming up with different ways for me to go. it scares me. it scares me because now i am under extreme stress and the reasons i should stay namely what family i have left may not be enough. i know what pain my family is in and i can’t do that to them. today. what about tomorrow? i am having anxiety attacks. when my phone rings i get a feeling of dread. my mind berates me for not finishing the job when i had the chance last summer. everything is wrong and i don’t know what to do. my health, my marriage, etc etc etc. even the shrink at the clinic i go to will have nothing to do with me. he hates me. not that there is anything he could do anyway. i have given up on pharmacology. at this point i would be happy just to be able to sleep. even that is at a premium. i don’t know what my future holds. what i do know is that if there is a next time i will finish the job.
it’s been awhile since i have been here. i was hoping not to feel compelled to write here again but circumstances have decided otherwise. it has been a rough year for me.when my birthday came around i had every intention of being dead. i had made arrangements, secured a means, everything was set to go. then the day came and for some reason i couldn’t do it. a few short days later i had a very ugly and traumatic breakup with both my shrink and therapist. and yet i survived. i have been off psych meds for the first time in over 20 years. things were beginning to get better. i was finally buying into the notion that life isn’t such a ***** and that i wasn’t better off dead. i have always believed that just when things are starting to get better life will always sucker punch me back into reality. well surprise that has happened. only this makes my issues with the shrink and therapist look quaint in comparison. on november 18 my 69 year old mother literally dropped dead. i am still in a state of shock. this has brought on a flurry of overwhelming emotions. emotions that i am experiencing sans meds. i am ashamed of myself for being so willing to put my family through that hell. yet i find myself drawn to the idea. my new therapist keeps pointing out that i have not said whether i am committed to living. at this point i can’t say if i am. one thing i have learned this year is that screaming is ultimately futile. this is my decision and mine alone. no point in creating drama. while part of me doesn’t want to inflict that pain on my loved ones another part thinks eating a bullet is a perfectly reasonable solution. the question is who wins out?
when i was here last it was my birthday and i was quite certain that it was my last day . a lot has happened since then that i think you all may find at least interesting if not useful. i was quite determined to kill myself-had the means, a location(not going to mess up my own home), wrote instructions as to what i wanted for a funeral, gotten my affairs in order etc. i wrote here, told everyone what i was going to do, then left the house. got to my location, sat down and wrote in my journal, called my (then) therapist leaving a goodbye message. then i tried to work up the nerve to go through with it. something strange happened-for some reason i couldn’t do it. i was upset, scared, exhausted and didn’t know what to do. i asked for a sign -from god? the tree elves? who i don’t know. 20 minutes later i got my sign-a couple walked up (i was in a local park) to have a picnic. i couldn’t ace myself in front of them so i went home. that was the first of several odd coincidences that led me to the conclusion that someone wants me to stay. fast forward to the following monday. i had been suffering from (still am) wicked insomnia going on (then) 2 weeks. i get sent home from work because i couldn’t think to do my job. i’m a cook in a nursing home and you have to be able to think and keep moving to do your job. i could do neither. at that time i was a suicidally depressed, menopausal, insomniac with a uti -reckon i might be a bit cranky? i had an appointment with the shrink that afternoon. odd coincidence number two-since i wasn’t at work i called and moved the appt up so i could maybe sleep that afternoon. here ‘s when the wheels fall off the bus. the appt was going ok until i said he had been a dick to me at the previous appt ( he had) and i mentioned i was expecting to be chewed an new asshole for stopping my meds. he came UNHINGED and screamed at me saying i was being verbally abusive blah, blah, blah. i can’t remember all he said but i do remember his very angry face. he kicked me out of his office and made me write him an apology. i did so because i was stunned and couldn’t think. he then told me he wouldn’t see me without a “babysiter” which could be any random secretary. odd coincidence number three-my new therapist who doesn’t see patients on mondays wanders into the office and he sits in on my continuing appt with the shrink. i have a wonderful rapport with the new therapist and tell him what was going on. dr jeckyll is as nice as pie to the therapist . when i inquire as to how to for a possible hospitalization i am told ” its not my job”. end of appt. my therapist sits and talks with me for a hour afterwards as i try to figure out wtf just happened. he calms me down and i leave angry of course but not overly upset. odd coincidence number four-my husband is home because they didn’t have any work that day. therefore i wasn’t alone to sit and stew. or take action to ace myself. i tell him the story and he says fuck him get a new shrink. later that night the husband is drunk and we get into a fight. he says something to the effect no wonder your shrink yelled at you etc etc etc. he goes and passes out. i become unglued. that was the final straw. now my husband is taking snake’s side. i couldn’t access my method of choice so i call a friend. o.c number five-i remember her land line number , she comes and gets me. she seemingly flew here from 15 miles away. i couldn’t put two sentences together i was so upset. she didn’t know what all was going on so i had to start from the beginning. that night i voluntarily go to the hospital. i was wired for sound so i didn’t fall asleep until 5 am tuesday morning after getting up at 4 am monday morning. while talking to the np i asked a rhetorical question wondering what the shrink would have done if i had killed myself because of him. off the cuff i said besides contacting his attorney for a possible lawsuit. the hospital people narked on me saying i was going to sue him for malpractice. if you are going to rat on me you could at least get the story right. i was merely speculating on what may have happened after my death. i didn’t say that i was going to sue him-i’m not. let this be a lesson for you all-watch what you say. the circle the wagons mentality is alive and well. i assumed i was speaking in confidence-obviously wrong. our society puts doctors on pedestals. they are just people-no better or worse than anyone else. in retrospect i realize he was frustrated with me and the fact i wasn’t getting any better. not his problem anymore-i fired him. while i still see the therapist i purposely go on days when snake won’t be there. i no longer take any psych meds and am no worse for the wear. no one is more surprised than me. i am far tougher than i gave myself credit for. and so are you. if i can survive this bullshit you can survive yours. take care.
well today is my birthday. and i am debating whether or not i want to stay alive. no one knows what is going on with me or else i probably wouldn’t be sitting here alone. but that is ok. the people who do know i am suicidal ie shrink, therapist, all have other people to attend to. i am willing to bet i am not even on their radar today. i have the means, a place picked out, all i need is some gumption to get moving. the bottom line is i can’t take living like this anymore. this depression just won’t let up and i have lost faith in talk therapy, meds. i hate myself and feel like i am an outsider everywhere. family, friends they don’t know how far i have fallen. i have suffered from depression for 30 plus years and feel i have done my time. as i get older all the physical shit that goes with it takes more and more out of me. and i don’t see what the point is anymore. i don’t blame anyone. this is my decision. i only hope that i can be forgiven. i am so sorry for the pain i am about to cause. goodbye.
today is a dangerous day for me. my husband is currently out of the state. my therapists and shrink don’t work on fridays. not that i would reach out to them anyway. i am alone with my thoughts and my gun. today is not the day i had originally chosen, but what is the difference? it is not going to change things if i wait a few more days. my “funky” way of thinking is not going to be changed. i have tried to explain how this go around has been different than the others. but i don’t have the words. all i can say is that i started sinking last fall and still haven’t come out of it. but then again i haven’t not been depressed in some form for over 30 years. i have lost faith in meds. been on lots of them except for the very newest. talk therapy hasn’t seemed to get me anywhere. one step forward and three steps back. tried ect long time ago-didn’t work. memory loss. other than the extreme therapies -which insurance doesn’t cover, there doesn’t seem like there is much left. hospitalization only amounts to a very expensive bandage over a enormous wound. i am not looking for sympathy. way too late for that. i just don’t know what to do with myself. the battle in my head over life and death is intense. just trying to stay functional takes a lot of energy. have to keep the facade up . afraid to let anyone get too close. afraid to let all the shit come out. and i don’t know how to let it go. my mind has developed very effective blocks to keep all the pain stuffed away from my conscious mind. survival at one time. now its killing me. one way or another i will be dead soon.
the day is coming fast. i have things to do. death preparations someone told me. making sure things are in order- savings accounts, insurance policies, bills for the month paid. gonna start cleaning my closet. nothing obvious. been writing goodbye letters in my head. there is a small part of me who is screaming . the majority says shut up. i can’t explain what is going on in my head. rapid mood swings, not wanting to talk, wanting to be alone. all kinds of physical complaints. too late to address those. too late to address my fucked up head. i accept responsibility for the fucked up mess i am today. hence the decision to terminate my life. i can’t stand it anymore. and as i get older things had only gotten progressively worse. came to the conclusion that my shrink, therapist don’t know what to do with me anymore. they have tried and are not at fault in any way. though i found it interesting that my shrink doesn’t believe me. oh well doesn’t really matter. he has run out of tricks. and our relationship has been contentious these last couple months. more to do with him than me. guess that is enough for now.
what is irony? irony is one’s credit union trying to sell life insurance to an imminently suicidal person!
the shrink doesn’t think there is anymore drug wise he can do for me. he doesn’t think my depression is a chemical imbalance . so as of today i have stopped taking my meds. he doesn’t know this. i guess he will figure it out when i stop seeing him. from my research it seems i will be in for a hell of a ride. oh well. doesn’t sound like any of it will be lethal but one can hope. maybe the only thing it will accomplish is to clarify my desire to be dead. been thinking about it hard and heavy. haven’t procured the necessary implement but that shouldn’t be a problem. all i know is my self hatred seems to have intensified greatly. i have been emotionally distancing myself from everyone in my life. the walls are being rebuilt. that wounded little girl in me demands it. she is angry. so angry . she wants to tell the world to fuck off. she has had enough of this life . it is time to go. when exactly i can’t say. the irony here is that the shrink knows i am suicidal . he doesn’t ask questions anymore because he knows i won’t tell him the truth. after the debacle with law enforcement i am no longer inclined to tell him my plans. or tell anyone for that matter. i have played this game many times -blab about suicide end up in the hospital. well that is enough whining for one day. have a nice thanksgiving everyone.
those of you who know the character in the play hamlet know what happens to her. it sort of sums up what is going on in my mind. as in i feel like i am losing it. the swing of emotions i am experiencing is exhausting. anger, deep sadness, tears that come from nowhere, and an urge to kill myself. while i am supposedly making progress by letting myself express these emotions, it is the unpredictability of the whole mess that is getting me. i have been suicidal since i was a child so of course that will emerge from the pit as well. i was all ready to go recently but the hubby sensed something was up so plan a was postponed. don’t know for how long . kind of to the point where i don’t care. die today, die tomorrow who cares? big deal. i have made promises to make phone calls when the need arises but i can’t honestly say if i will make that call. i have a very well developed stubborn streak. and when she is in charge its fuck everyone i am out of here. then there is wallpaper me. she advocates keeping my mouth shut and just fading away to invisibility. erase myself from existence no one will notice or care for that matter. she can be quite convincing, feed everyone (myself included) a line of bs and don’t let anyone get too close. as the song says hanging on in quiet desparation. oh what a fucked up mess i have become.
well today was almost the day. why it wasn’t isn’t really important here. but the means, the opportunity and the will are all there. i really don’t know why i have fallen into the pit. i have been crying a lot (read everyday), angry, etc etc. you know the drill. after that then there is a certain kind of numbness. i am purposely withdrawing from the world, life. then the physical stuff isn’t exactly helping either. the near constant stomach pain whether i eat or not, various wounds from months ago that are not healing. chest pain and fatigue just for shits and giggles. yes i am whining again. i have stopped mentioning any of this to anyone because no one seems to be real concerned. i am putting off seeing the shrink for as long as possible. looks like end of october now. after being put in my place i see no need to talk to him about any of this. being put in my place refers to being reminded that he sees 23 other losers a day for 20 minutes. just give me my scripts and i will go away. don’t forget the insurance check! besides he can read my chart , he doesn’t need anything from me. don’t feel like “talking” anymore. goodbye.
my mind is racing with all kinds of negative thoughts. therapy is getting hard and heavy. been feeling physically sick with the stress. i am in a very fragile state. been stirring up the shit in therapy and something big is lurking just below the surface. i don’t know what it is but i can cry at the drop of the hat. i am supposed to be trying hypnosis but at the moment it terrifies me. i am scared . something momentous is going to happen and no one outside of therapy knows it. i am withdrawing from family/friends because i just don’t want to talk. i hate myself so much . even the most innocent comments seem to only reinforce those thoughts. i feel so lonely yet i am the one who is withdrawing from the world. afraid to say where i am on the “suicide scale” they will just want to throw my ass in the hospital again. while i can’t say when, where or why exactly it has always been an option. what has changed in my fertile illogical mind is in the preparations. as in getting finances in order, insurance policies etc etc. i am even looking to make improvements to my house so in case dave needs to sell . however fucked up that sounds , in my head it makes sense. i guess withdrawing is my way of protecting myself. can’t be crying all the time at any moment or place. so my old standby is to fade into the background. don’t say much, don’t volunteer any real info. it seems to make my leaving easier. even though rationally i know that is all bs. but , alas, the rational mind hasn’t much to say these days. its the emotional mess who is pro death. on another note i think i saw the shrink Sunday at the Taste of -. it startled me at first. after all we don’t exist in the same economic plane. what a buzzkill. intoxicated, forgetting myself for awhile, then reality smacks me in the face. oh well what else is new? at this point in time and space i really don’t see the value in my continued existence. failure is all i see.
i haven’t been posting much lately because it is always the same old shit. i take 6 medications to try to make me feel better. i was recently put in my place by my shrink who sees 24 nut jobs like me a day. 20 minute appts only. money wise it comes out to $800 an hour-nice scam . i finally got it through my thick skull that the less i say the easier the appts will be. just give me my scripts and send me on my way. i can write with impunity now knowing that no one has the time to read these woeful rants. easier this way-i won’t get chewed for not taking care of myself. not eating, smoking dope everyday, an occasional drunk. i know alcohol with all these meds is a no-no. but i am a light weight comparatively, only need a couple for a nice buzz. the shrink pointed out that alcohol and lorezepam can be a killer. respiratory depression it is called. consume enough the body forgets to breathe. wouldn’t that be tragic? my ending choices are plentiful. i have enough pills, including ones i no longer take to choke a horse. and i can always go out and buy a gun. not too difficult here. though i won’t be telling anyone about that! like i have read elsewhere here i am just fucking tired. trying to keep my emotions under wraps is hard. not cool to be crying at work or at other public places. so i try to just keep quiet and not let anyone in. embarrassing i know. driving getting reckless. even crossing the street i am mentally daring that driver to hit me. another day in the life. don’t know when the day will come but it seems inevitable. just got to get my ducks in a row.
ever have a day at work thinking that swallowing a bottle of pills would be a good afternoon snack? i don’t know what is going on with me . i want to be alone but yet being home alone is making me nervous these days. the thoughts are racing. and trying to get me to talk is like pulling teeth. i keep thinking i see something in my peripheral vision. add that to some new stressors in my life and its time to play will i or won’t i again. hey maybe i am just coming unglued. time to go back to my cell.
i realize a lot of you on this site are young so my experiences will not compute. but if you are female and live to see your 40s this is what you can look forward to. i have suffered from severe clinical depression most of my life-all of my adult life. so the next kick in the ass i am experiencing is the run up to menopause. which in itself can cause depression. hormones running amok , thyroid problems, weight gain the laughs just keep coming. which is why my thoughts are running to the dark side these days . that little voice that tells me to stab myself with a butcher knife at work, play chicken with a semi in traffic. and the other various ways i can kill myself without the pregame drama. that voice is usually well contained, but recently it has been getting louder . its like an extra set of eyes scouting for methods and opportunities. as that voice gets louder my public voice shuts down. if you were to meet me you would never guess -i am a fairly well accomplished bull shitter. i can hide myself pretty well. and that is what i have been doing for years. all is not well in my mind. the fatigue from fighting this is getting more profound which leaves me with the question -why do i bother?