Winter. Is almost over. What was once there will never be again. Snow. Wherever you go. What a shame. Why did nature decide it to be this way?
I’ve always loved winter. The frost, the blizzards, the snow. Everybody’s freezing. But i rejoice. This is why I made most of my attempts in the season. I wanted it to be the last thing to remember, like a “dying memory.” Like it just can’t be another way.
This winter left me alive. There’s two evils in it. The first, is that it LEFT me, meaning the dirt is soon going to ruthlessly creep into my life. The second, of course, is that it left me ALIVE, meaning I’ll have to go through all that dirt. So tragically ironic, I remember not long ago I was longing to see snow, to catch the soft flakes in my hand and watch them melt, slowly. Then cherishing every night of being “frozen”, and waking up every morning to the delight of crispy fresh air coming in through the windows.
And now it’s gone. And the spring is coming on with a bang. Some snow is still around, but I can feel the smell of sleet hanging in the streets, and the white turning grayish, signs that never lie.
Spring is normally associated with bloom, as everything is waking up from the deep sleep. But ever since any waking up became a torture for me, this sleep-break is going to be more excruciating than ever.
For me feeling dead is much less troubling in winter than in any other season. The days somehow pass more smoothly, and they’re shorter. It’s like your imaginary coffin, where you feel relatively at peace due to the general dreary atmosphere. There’s not much sun, dusk falls way sooner that you don’t have to wait for it, everything is quiet most of the time… Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. And this winter is no exception.
How I wish things were different. How I wish I had died this winter, and not live on, meaninglessly. But apparently, it’s too much to wish for. I’m in for another year of agony, until I can do something about it.
This first semester of my new college has started off very, very badly. My new groupmates are treating me rather strangely, though I’m not giving them any reason for it. The majority of them are unwittingly showing off their complete disinterest in my being around, others get angry or annoyed with me because I don’t talk as much as they, and the rest just avoid me. There isn’t one person who is willing to give me a hand or just talk to me. And it feels like the loneliness has put a restraining order on me. The only thing that is pleasing to me right now is my Spanish classes. I have a nice, friendly teacher that I admire. It brightens up my existence a little, but is hardly enough to change the way I feel the rest of the time.
My relationship with my mother has worsened, too. It’s so bad I can’t even talk about it. I narrowly escaped being driven out of the house because of refusing to do my daily duties. She wants me to go away for the summer to make some money. Not a day goes by that she doesn’t come up with another twisted plan regarding my future. Â If she could know what MY plan is. I really hope she never knows that until the very day. All these hassles with my mother bring on such violent dreams that wring me out and give me nasty headaches for weeks to come.
I am so tired. May the world just go to Hell. It was supposed to, in December. I relied so much on the prognosis, I shouldn’t have. It turned out to be just another false promise, a trick the authorities cashed in on. And what are people like me left with? Nothing. Just their broken hopes.