At war with myself

Hey all, this is my frist post and could possibly be my last, im really unsure at this point what is going to happen. Im 21 years old and male so i guess ill just be another part of a common demographic when it comes down to it but hey, at least i got on paper somehow. Ive been dealing with depression for about 5 and a half years now. I hate myself, i hate that i cant stop how i feel about the world, i hate that i cant change that im essentially a total failure and waste. I dropped out of college about two years ago because i simply didnt have the will to go anymore. Then about 19 months ago i got a new job with a wonderful company, Shaw cablesystems. I did not, however, start off on the right foot, my attitude was terrible and i was blaming all my issues on other people. Over the last couple of weeks ive been trying to change who i am at work and how i am in general as ive realised what i was doing wrong. This job gave me hope for my future, gave me a light to focus on that maybe things wont keep being so bad. Tomorrow i have a review with my supervisor and i fear i may be fired. This job is everything i have, if i lose it i lose everythign i own, my home, my possessions, all of it will need to go so i can hope to survive, thing is, if i lose this job i dont know if im going to be willing to keep trying. Ive had a pretty good life, i was raised by two amazing parents who against all odds and even their own needs stayed with eachother to make sure my life and the lives of my siblings were whole. I was privaledged, went to a private school during my highschool years. Truth is i dont really have a right to feel this way and that just makes me feel like even more of a terrible person. I want to change the world, I want to show people that unconditional love is real, that we are capable of it, but im just not sure if im right anymore. My entire life ive tried to love everybody, tried to help anybody i can, and to date ive either failed everyone or had my efforts thrown back in my face. im not sure why im even here, i dont really expect anyone to help, im 90% sure no one can, but i guess i wanted to take the time to write a few things down if this is my last 5 minutes of the fourth quarter. I love my family, my mother and my father. ann and doug you were both the most amazing people i could have asked for in my life and you two were far more than i ever deserved when it came to parents. to my four brothers, thank you for everything, the lessons you taught and teh battles you fought for me, you four are the reason i try to show the world how to love. to my sister, im so sorry for everything, i treat you like dirt and fight with you far to often, i cant remember the last time i said i love you, and i do, so much i end up terrified you wont be happy with your life like i am. i know i have no right to ask this of anyone who reads this but should i fail to post again at a later time, please make sure they get this letter, the good part that is, i dont want to die without them knowing how greatful i am. to my friends, im sorry im a compulsive liar and that i get carried away with nearly everything, thank you all for tolerating my flaws and helping me become better. to bruno, thank you for believing in me when even i couldnt. i love you all, even if you dont know me i love you, please remember that, and that you are all beautiful individuals who deserve more than what i feel, more than what any of you feel. im sorry if i dont come back but at least i will finally be able to rest a bit.