Day 5 of knowing that he’s expecting a baby with another girl.
Not doing well..cuts drawn on my legs..no more room to hide.
Quit my new job because I couldnt handle trying to be cheerful.
Sheets bloody..pillow wet.
Three tears fell to my keyboard..odd. I didnt know I was crying…or that I was holding my breath.
Food turns to ash in my mouth and water tastes like gasoline.
I wish that I could rip my heart out of my chest that it would not hurt when I thought of him accidently.
This is not some stupid teenage love..I’ll be 20 this year. Had I not known of his child, I’d have waited for him always. All days..and forever more.
But what would I be waiting for now? He has already proved that we would never happen.
I am Christian..and I know I’d go to hell if I take my life, but do I not belong in hell anyway? Does my soul not already belong to Lucifer for hurting such a clean and kind spirit so long ago?
The night that IÂ spurned him plays over and over in my head now.
The blood running down my neck as he held my face in his hands, the glimpse of a tear as he hung is head, and his broad shoulders glistening in the moonlight as he walked away.
What is hell? For this is already torment of the worst kind.
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I know I may be too young to understand your situation but to me it looks like you need some closure from this situation I can see your hurting
This is why staying up to date on an ex-love’s life is never a good idea. You end up finding out painful things like they’re with someone else or getting married or having a kid. But in a way it should at least give you the closure that you two will not be back together. So now you dont have to suffer through waiting for someone to come back. You know it’s time to move on. Cut ties and try not to hear any more updates about whats going on in his life cuz it will always hurt and reopen the wounds. You have separate lives now. Its just torturing yourself to stay in touch or dig up information online.
How did you spurn him?
*big hugs*
And since you like my babble…
Bluemonday is right. But I can’t cut ties either so I know where you’re coming from with that. In my case, it’s pretty limited contact, though. It took a while for me to figure out what he would and wouldn’t respond to (nothing relationship-y, nothing about ever seeing each other again, nothing with too much EMOTION) but I’ve got a good sense of it now, I can play it his way. I had some coaching from my friend that’s been in love with the same woman for 10 years, and they were never even together, she never felt any attraction to him.
Anyway. My therapist urged me to cut contact, but I told her I can’t…I get panicky just thinking about not having him in my life in even this small way (online & texts only). He said he wanted to “stay friends” and I can’t help but want to take what I can get. I did, however, stop reading his blog. He doesn’t know this but he may notice, if he cares to look, that I haven’t been on the site in over a month. It was making me too anxious. And it hurt too much, reading his. No matter what he said. A sane person would probably just stop subscribing to his, right? I guess I like having the option… I can see what he’s up to if I choose to. I ditched my Facebook account in a hurry to avoid the pain… but I never actually liked Facebook (and in that case, I wanted to hide from everyone I used to know – just let them think I’m off living a fabulous life, not pondering how to go about ending my physical life, since my “life” ended last year).
It is pure torture, unless he’s paying extra attention to me, which contributes to fake-happiness sometimes that doesn’t last, isn’t real. When we were together he had exes that still wanted to talk to him, and he just ignored them. He won’t “be mean” and tell anyone to leave him alone, and now to me it seems like he doesn’t want to shut any doors juuuust in case. I believe that if he does meet someone else, he’ll stop reaching out to me. And eventually even stop responding to me at all. So far that hasn’t happened. Maybe when it does I’ll be able to kick my plans into high gear.
Okay, back to you. I am old. You are young. It is possible to get over a broken heart and fall for someone new. I believe there is someone else out there for you, that you have to get over this guy in your own time… take the lessons you’ve learned and grow. My friend says “the guys get better each time” — and I think she’s right. You develop a better sense, of them, of what YOU want… over time. The guys who broke my heart in my late teens and 20s were not as compatible with me as the guy in my late 20s/early 30s (who is a good friend now, even though I once broke HIS heart)…most of my 30s were spent alone because I believed I wasn’t meant to be with anyone, and now this last guy who turned all that upside down was compatible with me in one specific way no one has EVER been. It’s such a rare trait that I’m sure I’ll never find it again, not to mention all the other ways our personalities gelled. PLUS the strong physical attraction (which is rare for me to feel).
So uh… basically I’m a hypocrite? You can go on and experience more love and joy in the future, but you could eventually just end up like me and others on this site, more and more broken. There’s too many things wrong with me that I know will never be fixed, I just don’t have the hope I had in my younger days. Maybe I’m just waiting around to see if it really is just the fog of depression like some believe. Maybe I’m hoping that lack of taking care of myself will kill me so I don’t HAVE to kill myself. I dunno.
Well shit, this was long. *more hugs* I’m so sorry for your pain and torment. I wish I could make it better :\
@hopefuldreamer
Closure…maybe i do need that. Whenever I see him around I try to avoid him. He always knows when I’m in pain and he’d do nothing but make it worse though.
@bluemonday
I have not even tried to see him or stay up to date. He lives around the corner from me, he works at my favorite place to eat and his girlfriend works at my second favorite place to eat. Sometimes he’d be walking home from work and I’d be walking home from a friends house and we’d catch each other and embrace when theres no one around to see or judge. We’d have a short conversation as he stares into my soul and continue on our way. Shaking hands and not letting go until we were too far away to reach. Everytime, catching eachother looking over our shoulders a way down the road…
He had recently asked me to call him and come to his baby shower.
A while ago..I guess we were 15 and 16 years old. We were best friends. The bestest friends for at that time going on 5 years. He had finally kissed me and told me that he was in love with me..I told him I loved him too and he told me we’d be together always. However, my grandmother who lived out of state had fallen ill. I had to leave to help my family take care of her since they were all older and had other responsibilities. He didnt understand why I’d be leaving because at the time, he didnt know I’d be coming back. I told him that I had to go. He cried and begged for me not to go and I told him that I had to. My grandmother had died 6 months later and I returned to find that he had a girlfriend..
@SadBk
*hugs*
Cut ties, they say. As if it’s that easy..he lives around the corner from me. The only way for me to cut ties is to never go outside or to my favorite places to eat. Hmm..however odd, I never considered that I had a broken heart. I just knew that I am miserable and now have nothing to live for.
If you think it’s possible to experience more love, then I probably will…but only if I dont take my life or starve myself to death waiting.
Yeah, at least you and your guy had a chance to date. I never had a chance to date Josh. He told me he loved me and I had to leave the next day. *sigh*
It does seem like your guy is stringing you along. Saving you for a rainy day perhaps? Gah. Youre awesome…you’ll definitely find someone even better. Hah. The guys get better. None of the guys I’ve dated so far are as good as he is and wouldve been as my boyfirned. it’s probably because I do a bunch of idiotic comparing.l <3
just know that you are loved by the ones whom comment…..
You could not walk around that corner, and find new places to eat? If you REALLY wanted to avoid him you could find ways.
In a way you’re suffering from the same thing I am — you’re idolizing him because you never got into the nitty gritty stuff that makes relationships hard work. People who can remind themselves of all the bad things have an easier time moving on, I think. If there’s no bad stuff… yeah. I could say him breaking my heart was the bad thing… but jeez, for you, he didn’t even technically break your heart, you had to leave, it was circumstantial.
And none of the guys you’ve dated compare, at least in part, because you’re still in love with him. You’re not in a good place to be dating! A lot of people say “the best way to get over a love is to find a new love” …okay, maybe for some people, but to me that means someone has to be the rebound person and they’re likely going to get hurt. I wouldn’t subject another man to this, to being second best… nor do I want to live a lie and try to find someone to fill the unfillable void. I’m not beautiful, but I’m not ugly (at least I wasn’t when I took care of myself)…I’m sure I could stroll into a bar and pick up some random guy if I really wanted to. I’m just not built that way.
Anyway. Again with the hypocrisy — I know that cutting ties does help. I’ve done it before. It still takes time, but the wounds are not getting reopened constantly. I used to work with my fiance who cheated on me with someone else who worked there… that was hell. I was able to rearrange my schedule to mostly avoid them but not completely, like at shift change. When he eventually transferred to another location it was SO much easier for me to deal with, even though she was still there. This was 16 years ago… and they’re still together! I stopped caring ages ago. Guess it was meant to be. (a mutual friend said their relationship is a mess though, and he’s cheated on her multiple times. I couldn’t help feeling kinda happy about that)
You’re pretty awesome yourself <3
But..it was like we were in a relationship. We argued, we went through problems..just never made it official. *sigh* Youre right. If i really wanted to avoid him, I could…but would that be better for me? Would completely not having him in my life make it better for me?
And doesnt it make it worse that I HAD to leave? That I didnt want to leave him..and that i had every intention of returning SOMEday for the sole purpose of being with him.
There was no cheating..argument..I just had to go.
Right again. I am not in a good place to be dating..and yes, the advice i got was to find someone else..and yes he always was second best, but if it were not for him, i’d have drowned a long time ago.
What a douchebag. I dont understand how anyone could cheat. Youre strong for working beside them though. Commendable.
@Aftershock_Hate
I do appreciate that statement. Sadly, it isnt enough, but it does help a bit. Thank you.
he does sound like a dbag.
I know that doesnt make your hurt fade one bit. But I hope you know the rest of us see it. HE was wrong – not you. He CHOSE to be a dbag. Dont beat yourself up for that. Hell I would say you should celebrate it. Imagine how sucky your life would be if you were the one preggo with the kid of a dbag?.?.? THAT would suck ass.
You are free to find the RIGHT person. I remember how bad that period of time sucks. I am not gonna give you all the empty plattiudes of when you least expect it or someone magical awaits you….. I think the relatity of it is that you have to grow up more and when you are truely willing to accept a very imperfect person dispite his failures and if he is willing to do the same – then and only then can you move to the next level.
I wish you the best and I hope your pain is not so deep that you can not find something to smile about every day. Cuz nothing is sweeter or sexier than a pretty girls smile.
Take care.
Yep that makes it worse. Terrible breakups are sometimes easier to deal with and you didn’t have that. Maybe you could remind yourself of the arguments if things didn’t really get resolved satisfactorily (focus on his flaws?) – that’s what “they” say helps you stop idolizing someone. I’m too into blaming myself for everything that I don’t see anything as being his fault… but you didn’t do anything wrong, you had to leave. If you guys were meant to be together, he wouldn’t have moved on that fast. Part of him probably still wishes he could be with you, if he’s giving you signals, but if he’s not gonna abandon his new little family it doesn’t matter. Doesn’t do you any good, just tortures you.
That guy certainly was a douche and in retrospect I’m glad we never married. Our demise wasn’t all his fault, though. I learned from my mistakes and eventually moved on…and made new mistakes in the next relationship, which didn’t happen for 4 more years. I had crushes in between but nothing that ever panned out. There was a moment where I finally KNEW I was completely over him 100%, and that felt great. I was truly happy being single at that point in my life, and 6 months later I met the next guy.
@freak
My guy wasnt a douchebag…well not to me anyway. Have a baby with him? I’d LOVE to..it should be my baby anyway.
Thanks for the wishes. I’ll try to find something to smile about.
well if he put it in someone else. no ring. And knowing how you felt.
Ya – sorry – he IS a dbag.
@SadBk
Yes, that’s what I’ll do..remind myself that he did go and get a new girlfriend(though i know it was to try to get over me)
It’s just..that we didnt have many arguments and we i could rarely find flaws.
Yes! Exactly! I blame myself. I know I had to leave, but I also know that it took him 5 years to kiss me and tell me he loved me and then i broke his heart and left the next day..not knowing if I was coming back. His family told me that he had barely eaten to the point where they were all worried.
You are right. Since he as a new family..it doesnt matter if he still wants to be with me..or that im lost without him.
It just feels like my life also no longer matters. I know its stupid..but honestly, I really did only live this long because I believed we’d be together.
Wow, well I hope I could get to that point..where you can just know and feel that youre completely over that person. If i ever got to that point, i’d stay there and never allow myself to get as close to someone else.
@freak
He’s been with her for 2 and a half years. Ive slept with 2 other guys in 3 years.
I cant and wont blame him for sleeping with others. I dont think he’d be the same person I fell in love with if he left someone that loves him and that he loves to be with me. He’d never hurt anyone..one of the things I loved.
However, I do see how that could make him a dbag..but i guess I am too.
well I dont know you so I sure am not about to throw the dbag flag at you.
i dont know your age or your situation. I have not walked a mile in your moccasins…..
Here is the way I choose to look at your situation. You did what you did. He did what he did. Your heart still has feelings, but unfortunately – another LIFE has made a relationship impossible. As much as it sucks – you need to forget about him. And MORE importantly – you need to forgive yourself for the past. It is over, you can not change it.
Look to the future. Find someone who is worthy of your love and go enjoy it. Never look back.
Hugs to ya
@freak
Maybe youre right.
I wish forgetting and forgiving were that easy. I’d have done so.
But I can not change the past.
The future holds nothing for me.
I will not live another year of this life to not be surprised.
Hugs to you. I appreciate the advice
you are right that you can not change the past. BUT – how do you know the future holds nothing for you?
Maybe you are gods gift to someone out there. Maybe you are more than he ever dreamed he could find. Maybe you are so special that all he wants to do is to get out of work and rush home to be with you.
Maybe you need to reevaluate “you”. I do think there is some good in everyone. But I *know* that depression makes it really hard to see any good in yourself. I hope you will take some time out and remember something that you have done in the past that was a truely nice thing that you did. An unselfish thing. Maybe a donation. Or helping out some old person or a kid who fell off a bike. Or maybe just the idea of you doing something caring for a stranger.
Then build on that good in you. I would BET that you are a sweet, pretty girl who just can not see your own beauty. I hope you choose to give the world a chance to see your beauty.
It might be stupid (or illogical) but that’s how I feel too >.> I’m nothing now. I was happy, I was a good person, I strengthened my relationships all over the place when I was with him because I had such a zest for life and cared about everyone SO much… and now that’s all gone, used up, nothing left, and I want everyone to go away… all the good is invalidated because I’m not good enough for HIM, in my eyes. If I was, he’d still want me. It’s not like we just didn’t have a connection. I’ll never understand. Everyone says “he has issues, it wasn’t your fault”… I can’t believe it. *I* have issues too (who doesn’t?) but I was motivated to work on them for his sake. He wasn’t motivated to do the same. And the voice in my head reminds me I’ve always been a failure, a nothing, I just forgot it for a while, until he recognized it and bailed.
Sigh, we’re having quite the little angstfest here, aren’t we. I need to stop checking this site from work…
sorry to hear you are beating yourself up too BK.
depression sucks. It is not YOU. It is the depression.
*hugs to both of you now*
Aww thanks, freak. *hugs back* I don’t know how to tell what’s actually me and what’s the depression. Others have said that too, that it’s the depression talking… they want the perky me back. I don’t want to be that idiot ever again.
aww perky can be fun too. Goofy / obnoxious – they are all kinda fun at times.
IF you wanna talk. I am here…. feel free: freak@4mykidzz.com
and if you dont wanna talk – that is okay too.
aww perky can be fun too. Goofy / obnoxious – they are all kinda fun at times.
IF you wanna talk. I am here…. feel free: freak at 4mykidzz.com
and if you dont wanna talk – that is okay too.
@freak Thank you, that’s very generous of you. Talking doesn’t seem to help but I’ll keep that in mind if I feel I need an ear (er, an eyeball?) 🙂
btw – this place is the only reason i can make it thru a day at work…. I sit on it all day long.
🙂
@freak Haha, I do that sometimes on days I’m not that busy… but I try to remember to switch back to email because this isn’t really a site I want anyone to know I visit. We’re not supposed to get online at all…social media is all blocked… but this board must not register. I hope it doesn’t show up on an audit trail at corporate somewhere.
Sorry, Rain Alicia, for cluttering up your post!
Hah..it’s completely alright SadBk, and thanks, both of you, for the advice
@ SadBk & Freak If either of you work in dentistry you should be ok. Did you know that suicide is statistically more prevalent amongst dentists than any other profession.
@ Rain Alicia I think Day Six might be a turning point for you.
sorry not a DDS (and yes I did know that).
@ Freak the odds have just turned in your favour. Now you are statistically less likely to kill yourself.
@SadBk: I’ll be completely honest with you. You WEREN’T right for each other. That’s the truth. That’s what it means when a relationship ends: that you weren’t right for each other. You can tell yourself that it was meant to be, but it really wasn’t. However, he is just ONE man, who by your very own admission has his own issues.
You know you can’t heal till you let him go, and until you take him off the pedestal and start telling yourself the truth, you’re not going to be able to do that. He’s just one man. A single man in a world full of 7 billion people. He’s really not that great or special because he didn’t follow through with any of the things you worship him for.
You essentially love an idea, not a reality. You love him for what you thought he was ok with but clearly wasn’t. I wish you could read some of your own advice in this thread because I’d love to toss it back at you 😛
You say you’re unlovable but you’ve clearly had a long list of relationships which proves there’s something about you that people find desirable – that’s just logic. However, your trouble comes in maintaining those relationships long term which is where you need to do the work. You need to identify what breaks your relationships and fix it so that you can have a healthy one in the future.
You can’t run from your baggage forever. You can’t keep stuffing it down and hoping it doesn’t rot your relationships from the inside. You HAVE to deal with it, and I know you can. You can have relationships again but it requires that you stop feeling sorry for yourself, come back to reality, and work out the things that harm your love life.
-Just some blunt advice from a friend. I hope it doesn’t come off as antagonistic because that’s not my intent. I really do want you to feel better.
@Letmesleep Who can ever take their own advice?! Heh.
I love him for who he is, not just his level of acceptance of me (and he truly was 100% okay with the worst thing…but I won’t go into that here. It’s just clear that I shouldn’t have based my confidence mainly on that… that there are other ways I can fail :\). I’ll never find anyone like him. The therapist agreed on that — though I don’t think she meant it the way I think of it.
It’s not a long list, it’s only 3 serious ones and some casual ones I tried to make serious but failed to. I think there is something about me that’s appealing, but only at first. Not once they get to know me better. It’s not just the baggage, it’s ME. I don’t fully believe that “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you” adage, but I acknowledge that there’s probably some truth to it.
-Or I can give up and try to remember that I was okay being single. I’ve been single a lot more than I’ve been coupled. But all that’s ruined. I hate who I was before, I hate who I am now, I only like who I was when I was with him, when I had purpose and joy. I don’t ever want to go through this agony again. If I’m still this miserable by the end of the year I’m considering a more do-able plan to off myself (at least it sounds more do-able in my head).
I know you care and I appreciate it, thank you. It may seem like I brush off people’s advice but… I really don’t. I take it in (if it’s not ignorant, that is… and yours is always sound). I just…can’t. If I were a normal person I could probably buck up and try harder…but I’m nothing. If I ever forget that, the little voice reminds me soon enough 🙁
I hear you and I’m not trying to push you, but your baggage makes you, you. It shapes you and everything you say and do is filtered through that baggage. Even the idea that you’re nothing is a tape you keep playing over and over in your head – baggage. You’re family was emotionally distant and made you feel like nothing, and because you feel like nothing you think you also have to settle for nothing.
The man who left you had serious issues. I don’t even need to know him personally to understand that. The things that he was ok with, if he really was, are completely dysfunctional. It goes against our very nature as human beings. What you’re mourning is the loss of a relationship that was at it’s core, broken.
Honestly, Sad? Maybe you just need more time. Maybe in a year he won’t feel so important to you. I couldn’t tell you. Trying to talk me out of being in love with the girl I lost after she crushed my life 6 months in would have been futile. Feelings are feelings and you can’t just wish them away. However, I let go of her so that I could start healing. I stopped communicating with her. What you’re doing right now is desperate and unhealthy and there is absolutely no way it’s going to get any better until you stop.
You can do way better than him, but it’ll take work. Your problem is not losing this latest man, your problems are all the things that consistently ruin your relationships and your self image. Your problems are what made you choose that kind of man in the first place. He is just the symptom of bigger issues. Someone slap your therapist, she should have told you this by now 😛
Hahah @Letmesleep
She crushed your heart after only 6 months? Smh. You know nothing of how bad this can get. I cant expect you to fully understand what it’s like to be with someone every day for a huge chunk of your life and then have it all disappear..leaving you with nothing.
SadBk understands what it’s like to build, live, and breath a life with someone you love and then have it stripped away.
Excuse me, the adults were speaking. Since you’re so interested though, I meant that if someone had told me to get over her 6 months after we crashed and burned that it would have been futile. You clearly don’t know a thing about SadBk’s current life, but I’ll leave that up to her to tell you if she so desires it.
Excuse me, Idiot. Youre on MY post. Get off if youre going to be disrespectful. I dont care if youre talking to me or not. I was talking to you.
@Letmesleep But see, I WAS working on my issues (the one you’re thinking of and another one I don’t think I got into), and making progress. He never made me feel guilty for having the issues, as the others have done, indirectly if not directly. The problem is I didn’t realize there was a clock ticking. I should have, when he started pulling away. He insisted his feelings hadn’t changed…and maybe they hadn’t, in a way, but he wouldn’t tell me what was really bothering him. I still don’t think I know the whole truth. There’s really nothing I can do about that.
I know how some people are drawn to others who will hurt them… I really couldn’t see how that was the case here, but in all the thinking I’ve done about all this crap, I did eventually find some parallels between him and the other “good” guy… I had convinced myself I didn’t really want to get married, and I’m attracted to men who don’t want that as well. Even if they SEEM like they do at first. It would be nice to have someone take care of me, but I always end up in positions where I’m taking care of them. (them being younger is a factor, but 2-3 years at this age doesn’t really mean much. More so with the guy 13 years younger than me that I briefly dated >.>) Ideally it’s 50/50 but in the real world that’s not how it seems to go… anyway. I think it’s cuz I don’t deserve someone to commit to me. What I don’t get is how I subconsciously chose this last guy when he came on so strong in the beginning, and was more sure about things than I was. I didn’t know at the time that that’s typical of guys with fear of commitment. But I guess that’s why it’s called “subconscious”? We don’t consciously understand why we do things.
I don’t know why you think I can do way better when you see what a mess I am :\ How do you know that doing the work will make ME good enough for anyone when there’s nothing substantial there to work with?
Anyway… right now I do feel strong in my resolve to not be the one to initiate contact with him. Hopefully that lasts. But if he sends another “I miss you” text I will be mush. SIGH. And he has my heart, I can’t just NOT want to have anything to do with him… I can’t. And lol my therapist actually doesn’t know everything yet, she only knows what I tell her! She’s said some similar things to what you’ve said, though. She’s trying to get me to believe I was conditioned to feel worthless and burdensome because of my upbringing, I just still don’t see how thinking that will undo the current feeling cuz I’ve had it so long…
Aww, don’t fight, you guys 🙁
*hugs you both*
I am almost afraid to throw in my 2 cents, because I have never been in love myself, so I cant really provide experienced advice or anything, but it would seem the memory of this person is destroying you. Maybe you should focus on moving on at any cost, because the place you are now is clearly not fun for you. Burn all the pics of you two, throw out everything he ever gave you. I don’t really know what to say, you probably have tried loads of things. Nevermind me
I hope it gets easier for you soon SadBK, you loved once, you can love anew.
Thank you Ruins, your cents makes a difference and it does matter.
Thanks RuinsOfTheVoid… that was for both me and Rain Alicia I presume? (we’re in a similar situation) I haven’t really tried all that much, to be honest, because it’s been so bleak and hopeless and it’s like I don’t really WANT to get over him, but part of me must or I wouldn’t bother going to therapy, right? Anyway. It’s only annoying when people say things like “I hate to tell you this but he never really loved you” – that pisses me off because they can’t possibly know enough about it to say that. Maybe he can’t love me the “correct” way. I certainly can’t seem to love the correct way either. Doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there.
Who can define what it means to be in love SadBK? no one, because it is different for everyone, we all feel love in different ways and in different amounts, so yes those people are fools for saying that. He probably did love you, or at least he did in his own way. I am a guy, I have had GF’s and I liked them a lot but I have never been truly in love, but I hold of them dearly, I would never hurt them out of spite or anything like that, I am not sure what I am trying to say here. He was with you for a long time, you mattered to him, no one can dispute that. Some people just move on easier than others, I have had no problem getting past relationships, Its not that I just forget about them, I just realise what is the point in lingering on the memory, it matters to me, they all did and do, but I want to be happy, so I keep looking for that special someone.
I hope you got what I was trying to say.
I believe you are handling or interpreting this in the wrong way, don’t hurt yourself because he has moved on an is having a baby, it should drive you onward to find that for yourself!! He found it, you can too!!
Again, I can’t appreciate the full impact this has had on you, but that’s what I think anyway 🙂 for what ever its worth.
And yes its pointed at basically anyone who can’t get over someone.
I hope you all find your true love soon and this becomes a distant memory 🙂
It’s because you were already making progress that makes me so confident you can get better, Sad. I never believed you couldn’t get better and I’ve said from the beginning that I fully believe you could work through any and all issues that were messing with your life. Therapy is really good for you, and you respond well to it.
I hear what you’re saying though; that you were on the right track and suddenly it all came crashing down. That’s very hard. It’s one thing to lose something, be expecting it, and understand it. It’s another thing to have something ripped from under you unexpectedly and have no clear reason why. I realize your situation is the latter.
In terms of knowing the full truth, you probably won’t. While it may look like he’s sparing you, he’s sparing himself the burden of having to be real with someone. He took the coward’s way out of the relationship and further increased his own problems. That lack of emotional transparency will haunt his other relationships. I don’t think it’s fair what he did to you, and it always makes me angry to hear “my gf/bf dumped me and I don’t know why”. People deserve an explanation on why a relationship is ending.
I would agree your lack of desire for marriage is tied to your self worth issues. You’ve already identified it so I don’t really need to go into it. I still don’t have a clear answer on how one gains a better self image but the answer I sent you in email was the best I’ve yet to come up with. It’s still a struggle for me as well, so it’s not something I’ve conquered yet.
From an outsider’s perspective, you’re not the kind of person I look at and think “wow, I’d HATE to be with her”. You deserve that commitment from someone and I hope you find it some day. You’re a good person. You’re a nice person. You’re an honest person. I know you’ve got a lot of negativity backed up inside your skull, but I’m hoping with more therapy you can start to clear some of that out and learn to love yourself.
It makes sense to want to pursue someone you don’t have to babysit. You’re their mate, not their mother. That’s quite an accomplishment to have dated someone 13 years younger than you though (not many people can say that).
I don’t think the work will make you good enough, I KNOW the work will make you good enough. A person can have tons of really great qualities, be a lovable person, and a good catch and yet still possess one or two qualities that keep them single. Believe it or not, lots of people are like that. Hell, I’m like that. There are simply some deal-breaker issues that people realistically need to work out before they are healthy enough to be in a relationship but once they do they are more than good to go.
“Good enough” is not really a phrase I think is healthy though. It implies that the worth granted by your humanity is somehow up for debate. It’s not a pass/fail, good/bad, black/white, valuable/worthless. That’s an extreme way to look at life. Can you maybe not currently be emotionally prepared for a relationship while also retaining value? I think you can. It seems to me like you think human value is an all or nothing system, and I don’t agree with that. I think you have lots of value, but I think you AND your partner will be happier if you work on some of your hardships.
I can’t believe he’s sending you things like that. That’s pure manipulation. If he wants to be with you then he should. However, it sounds like he’s just making sure he still has you on his leash. It feeds his ego to think he has a woman still waiting for him. This is a fairly common tactic used by insecure people. If he does send you that, force him to decide. Is he coming back or not? If not then he needs to leave you be so you can heal. Don’t let him manipulate your emotions.
Understanding how your childhood developed and conditioned you a certain way can help you recognize the unhealthy patterns and reverse them. How you grew up is completely relevant to who you are now. You don’t have to be the little girl your parents ignored. You can be a strong, confident, attractive woman if you choose it.
FML, Sad, my comment got caught up in moderation.
Around 90% of all relationships fail after which half of all marriages end in divorce. People change, become incompatible and unhappy.
Do I believe in ‘love’. Sure I do. As heartless and cynical as I am, I believe in the concept of ‘love’.
If love was a tangible object of desire then it would exist outside our minds for others to define and interpret. They would however see it as a temporary illusion whilst the attachment you have persists long after. It was real to you because it meant something.
I can’t even believe I’m writing this crap. Time for beer #4. This is only the beginning.
Sublimity….
Yes Kimmm
Can you email ? Sorry . Don’t bother to reply ill just leave my email hmeomm@yahoo.com
Why me
According to research at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School, one of the clearest predictors of whether wedding vows will stick is the age of the people saying them.
Take the ’80s: a full 81% of college graduates who got hitched in that decade at age 26 or older were still married 20 years later. Only 65% of college grads who got married before their 26th birthday made it that far. Just 49% of those who married young and did so without a degree lasted 20 years.
50% stat is a myth of sorts that persists because it’s something of a political Swiss Army knife, handy for any number of agendas. Statistics are easily manipulated to say different things. If I said every 3.6 seconds someone in the world dies from hunger, you wouldn’t be afraid of suddenly dying of starvation because you’d take the context of the study into account.
I don’t normally follow statistics. Did you know that 46.3% of all statistics are made up there and then on the spot.
Those statistics don’t account for the loveless marriages. We are talking about is ‘love’, that warm fuzzy feeling people talk about all the time on suicide sites.
I do too, my love for beer. I’ve recently discovered wheat beer. I’m drinking Hoegaarden 750ml’s. It’s pretty good, sweet like eating a stick of juicy fruit at the same time.
Sorry for bringing up the topic of marriage. It’s very sad.
Are you suggesting I pulled statistics out of my ass? I got them from an article in Time Magazine. ‘Loveless’ is a bit subjective, don’t you think? I’d rather not debate on a suicide forum.
No, I acknowledge your information is from a reliable source.
I was contradicting myself using irony. I contradict myself often, the worst part is when you are oblivious to it. Thankfully this time it was not only intentional but entirely necessary. Ah, nevermind.
My bad. I’ve been up too long and sick for 8 out of the last 12 days. This thing is taking me for a ride and making me a bit edgy.
I would suggest taking a nap but am reluctant to resort to such an unimaginative play on words. I think the beer is starting to work!
@Letmesleep Oh you said the “p” word so you got modded 😛
I know I have very black/white thinking, and logically I know most things are truly some shade of gray…I guess I’m just too stubborn to think differently? It’s confusing. For some reason the black and white things make a lot more sense, even though I know they’re wrong. ….if that makes any sense whatsoever.
I always want to defend him. No one knows the whole story (and I’m far more protective of his crap than my own… even though I’m sure he’d never even read this site and it’s not like anyone here would know him? idk, I’m silly)… but even knowing all I know I’m still confused and I know there are things he didn’t tell me, will never tell me. I believe he had good intentions and I just can’t be angry with him :\
The 13-years-younger guy dropped me pretty quickly though. No explanation, he just stopped talking to me. Maybe just too young to be mature enough to tell me directly. But at least I attracted a youngun inititally, go me? Heh. Lesson learned.
Thank you for not thinking I’m as hopeless as I think I am <3
@ SadBk I might have been prepared to forgo the age discrepancy if certain conditions were met. I’m looking for a woman that’s just ‘too embarrassed’ to allow me to work and insists that I do nothing except drink beer and watch sports. The search might be considered futile for some but I believe that women are just as capable as men at being independent and financially supportive. In fact, I can see the advantages.
Just a quick note – there’s a huge difference between “statistics” and “averages”
just sayin dawg
@RuinsOfTheVoid Sounds like you deal with all this love stuff better than a lot of us. I hope you find your special someone.
@Sublimity …and I hope you find your special someone as well. That is a truly noble endeavor and not futile at all, I’m sure 😛
@ SadBk- Thank you, thank you.