I wonder if the Wellbutrin has finally started to work…
I was fake-happy this morning, and I didn’t think (seriously) about killing myself even once, all day. Â And tonight I was sad but not suicidal-sad. Â Now I’m…okay.
Yet nothing has changed, so. Â Hmm.
Part of me doesn’t want to get better if it means I can’t kill myself. Â That’s kinda fucked up.
59 comments
If you don’t want to get better, then you won’t get better. You’ve convinced yourself that suicide is your only option, but living is also an option.
Yeah, I know that drugs alone won’t do it, and the doc lectures me about my attitude. It’s confusing. Why go to therapy if I don’t want to get better, right? Yet I go. (therapist doesn’t lecture)
It’s not fucked up at all… Why go on if nothing is actually better? Sure the thoughts aren’t as bad, but nothing’s different….
True… I guess I’m not ready to be done with it one way or the other yet? It’s like I’m waiting to hit bottom in some significant way, but somewhat scared of the various bottoms I’ve pictured, so wtf. I dunno.
What’s the dosage strength?
300mg. In 6 weeks she said maybe we’ll add Abilify. I’ve never been on 2 at once :\
And thanks for your sympathies on the other thread <3
Ah. Same here. Wellbutrin XL 300mg. Makes no dent whatsoever against the forces of despair. Depression. Meds will not take away those thoughts bringing you down… I shouldn’t even be on Wellbutrin (for health reasons) but~~ the shrink doesn’t need to know that. Maybe 2 at once will help me. Funny how my shrink says I’m not clinically depressed.
Have you been on it a while?
So you shouldn’t be on it but you like it sooooo you lie about the health stuff to keep taking it? Must be worth it.
Heh, mine called me “chronically depressed,” I had to correct her…a year ago I was insanely happy. I don’t think it’s been long enough to determine if this is now chronic.
Oh yeah, no problem. (/¯◡ ‿ ◡)/¯ Hopefully the meds will work better for you than it did for me.
A couple of months. I take them because I know they’ll gradually kill me at the state my body is in. Hmm….
Mmmm, and then it’s not technically suicide because you’re ~just taking your meds~ …hopefully that would be a peaceful way to go….
Nah. There’s no plan. I’d like to think my health is nothing serious. Besides, I can’t die yet, not now. Let’s see… for once, I was happy around last December. Happiness does not flourish when left unattended.
Happiness isn’t meant for everyone, it seems 🙁
I feel selfish wishing I could feel happy again. Like I had my turn and now it’s done.
Y’know you can be the catalyst for favorable outcomes. Basically it all comes down to choice. Kinda like two-level consequentialism – or maybe not.
I feel like that may be true for some people, or to a certain extent — but similar to using distraction as a coping mechanism, my actions don’t change anything inside myself… it feels hopeless.
I understand. Unfortunately I don’t have the answers… (≧〜≦)
*Sending positive vibes your way* It was nice chatting with you.
ヾ(〃⌒ ー———⌒)彡☆゜・。・゜★
If you have both internal and external sources of depression, you’re not going to feel totally better until both are out of your life. In other words, if you have biochemical imbalances, proper medication will take care of that end but if you have other factors that add to your depression, those will have to be dealt with separately.
Thankfully tackling the biochemical side will make taking care of the external problems much easier. It’s hard to have problems stacked on top of each other, so removing one of the burdens should make all the others lighter.
No pill is going to magically fix anyone’s life unless they don’t have any other reason to be depressed besides an imbalance. In your case you have some other struggles which need to be addressed. I still believe you can address those things, but if you don’t want to get better you certainly won’t.
It’s your life and you have to decide whether or not you still want something out of it. If you’re ok to end your life where you are, you have the option. Waiting for things to fix themselves, though, will just keep you locked up in pain forever. I’d say choose one or the other because mediocrity is a waste.
I’d say either be determined to die and go do it, or shift your focus and be determined to get better. Suffering is a waste of your life.
wow i love what you just said SadBk, never thought of it that way: distraction as a coping mechanism. Things wont change, theyre still there after anyway. I can see that they are.
Where do you get all this knowledge from Letmesleep? I love what you have to say almost everytime…
Thanks blahh, that’s really encouraging to know that the emotional energy I choose to spend is appreciated. It helps me to know that I’m helping. In the last couple months I’ve seen some negative changes in myself – mostly a dying level of empathy and quite a bit of rage – so when someone praises me for one of my best attributes, I don’t feel quite as bad about how far I’ve fallen with the other ones.
In terms of your question, I have many, many flaws, but wisdom is one of my strengths. I grew up around wise people and I guess my mind was kind of like a sponge. My father always tried to teach me things and while I hated it, ironically whenever he stopped trying so hard I learned a lot just by observing. I had a good family. A hard life right from the beginning, but a good family. I’m lucky to have known so many wise people.
Sorry SadBk, I didn’t mean to make this thread about me. I know the last time we talked it seemed like I didn’t care about you, but I checked in on this thread because I do. I still watch for your comments on other people’s threads to see how you’re doing. I’m off to bed (4:10 am here). Take care.
@blahh: Yeah I always think of it that way… like it works for people who have just had a bad day and need to get through their mood and then all is well, but for people with other issues, it does nothing. Then again, it could be arrogant of me to think like that, like I’m above taking that advice because I’m ~sooo~ hopeless. And yeah, Letmesleep is like a young Yoda. But makes more sense 🙂
@Letmesleep: I know some people feel “hijacked” or whatever if people talk about themselves in “their” space online but I actually like it. And I know you care at least a smidgeon or you wouldn’t have given any thought to your final response. Although the irony of the person who agrees with me about “it’s not you it’s me” thing always being bullshit, giving me the “it’s not you it’s me” himself, was not lost on me (platonic here of course, but still!)… it’s okay, I get it, we’re cool. Good to see you around and I hope you do find what you’re looking for here!
SadBk i tried to just keep me busy, because i thought it was a way of not letting my thoughts catch up with me, to find out theyll eventually catch up with you anyway and when you stop theyre there smiling at you like “thought you could just leave?”. so yes its great for a while but doesnt work for long. they caught up with me and here i am feeling what i always been feeling but didnt want to face it… it just doesnt work anymore!
Letmesleep you shouldnt feel down about what we feel its bad or wrong with us we should appreciate what we have of good and make it even better and/or use to help others! or die knowing we have these great qualities and we used it to the fullest 🙂 or tried. its good to know i made you feel a bit happier too!
SadBk my therapist told me to keep busy, i thought if i dont do that ill go mad, but now when i stopped not only did they catch up with me but they also brought some past friedns with it. great uh?
Ugh, yeah. “Wherever you go, there you are.” Did you introduce the “past friends” to your therapist? They love that stuff 🙂 I guess there’s supposed to be a happy medium. I feel like if I try to distract myself, I’m just trying to escape the pain that isn’t going anywhere… seems better to face it and deal with it… but that hasn’t worked out so well either. It’s too confusing getting contradictions from various sources, and within myself. And I never know what’s the depression and what’s really me. For a while there WAS no distracting me, though, so I guess having the choice to be distractable if I allow myself to be is progress.
yes well, i thought they were buried, it was the main reason why i started therapy. Now theyre up again… stonger, but therapist knows and i have told her last time we saw eachother :/
Hopefully you find a way to get rid of them without reburying them. I’ve heard people say therapy didn’t work for them, that they felt worse coming out than going in. I wonder if they’re just quitting when it gets tough. It’s not supposed to be easy. If it was easy you wouldn’t need it in the first place, right?
Sometimes it’s good to plot out what you want to talk about before you go into a session. Bringing out your worst baggage at the end of a session will just leave you feeling pretty bad because you didn’t get to process it properly. Sadly, therapy is a profession and they are losing $$$ by allowing a session to go on longer than an hour.
The point is try to come prepared so you aren’t left hanging. I’ve certainly left my fair share of therapy sessions thinking “well crap, I feel worse than when I went in”. It’s all about maximizing your time.
Well, okay, there’s poor timing… but I wouldn’t stop going altogether because of that, which is what I assume they mean. If it’s a problem with the therapist not clicking with you that’s different. I never look at the time but I know when the session is starting to come to an end now by the change in her posture. At first I cluelessly would barrel on into something else and then leave it hanging. I always write in my journal afterwards too, to kind of cement everything in my head and perhaps figure more stuff out.
I started bringing a list of stuff I wanted to mention/ask because I would remember something shortly after and then *facepalm*… but I’d STILL forget to bring up some of it, lol fail.
Nah, nah, I wasn’t suggesting you stop going to therapy. I think it’s good for you, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your therapist. Lol you’re right though, they give subtle hints that your time is running out. You can tell by their body language.
I think that’s a good idea to move from the therapy session to your journal. You take therapy a lot more seriously than I ever did, but then again mine was forced upon me for many years. I have a defiant streak in me and being told what to do caused me irritation, which probably minimized my benefits. I feel bad for some of my early therapists 🙂
Kind of off topic, but do you play online games? Your choice of language suggests you may be a gamer.
No one has suggested it in my case, I’ve just heard people say that that’s why they don’t believe in it or why they stopped doing it themselves, because it makes them feel worse.
I took it so seriously this week that I gave myself some homework… I found some ancient journals of mine and combed through them for things to mention to her. Which was probably a big waste of time (other than amusing myself at how lame I was back in the day)… I guess I’m looking for proof of something she said that I want to believe but can’t. Aww, your poor therapists… the only other time I was in therapy it was forced on me as a teenager, and I hated it so I figured out what they wanted me to say and faked my way through it. REAL HELPFUL THERE.
It does? Well, I’ve never done MMORPGs, but I used to be addicted to online roleplaying, if that counts?
right, i guess, it doesnt make sense unless i really didnt want to deal with them then. but now that that i ad to stop mainly everything life brought me back that present :/
*had (hate when i hit the buttons but its too light to show :P)
Well at least shes someone i can talk to who doesnt judge and who helps me see a bit further away when i cant, other times she even tells me exactly the conclusion i got to. so it makes a lot of sense.
Maybe a bad atitude, but i used to lie a lot and of course i was feeling like it was being a waste of time. still havent approached the subject of suicide, i will try if i have enough courage soon.
Between sessions usually things happen to tell me what i need to talk about, not usually good, its weird but does help me. i take 2 or 3 themes i need to talk about. i had around 3 things i needed to talk about, 3 the most, but she also pulls subjects out.
@ blahh – not feeling judged helps, yes! (the shrink feels waaay more judgmental to me than the therapist, after far less time spent with me to base the judgment on)
Do you go every week? I would like to but every other week works out pretty well too. Usually I have 2 or 3 things that come up in the meantime that I want to address, and I jot those down, review right before going in, and still don’t get around to talking about sometimes. I guess since I don’t talk to anyone else about this shit it just all pours out. She’s only brought something up once, and even then she said it was more important to discuss what *I* wanted so if I’d rather talk about something else that was fine…
Lying doesn’t help matters of course but it’s tempting to do sometimes… when we don’t WANT something taken from us to be “fixed”… I’ve tested my therapist a little and so far she seems to be trustworthy. Early on I discussed therapy on my blog and how I was afraid I might lie about some things and people were like “don’t lie, what’s the point??” They’re right but I don’t think they understand the temptation to lie. I do “lie by omission” now but if she asks me something, I’ve agreed with myself that I will answer truthfully.
Just be careful if you bring up suicide. If she thinks you’re an immediate danger to yourself you might find yourself locked up because she has legal responsibilities :\ I do discuss it with mine because I’m not ready to go yet (I told her I like planning it for a date months in the future… even when I tearfully told her I probably couldn’t wait that long I didn’t have an IMMEDIATE plan) but if I reach that point I’ll probably have to stop seeing her if I feel like I can’t lie about it.
Yes if she pulls some subject out or asks a question then i answer truthfully. I never mention suicide and she has never asked about it either. Although I last time I felt her really close to it, but instead, she asked me ‘what are your plans for the future?’ to which i answered what i have once believed in and had already discussed it with her before my suicide plans. Im not sure if i should have lied (ommited) or not and if she had asked me directly about suicide what would i have said then. It would have made it so much easier though, but she didnt.
I was with a psychiatrist before and damn he made feel a bit weird, he made me think but i didnt feel like he wanted me there. I prefer psychotherapy actually. I go every 2 weeks. sometimes more because something happens and one of us cant so we reschedule it.
And thank you for sharing with me about mentioning suicide to your therapist i had no idea she could lock me although never crossed my mind to say i been thinking of suicide lately. I dont know maybe id mention i came accross a suicide blog and been looking around to try to understand it better (or something) just to see what she thinks about the theme. But i also know it still sounds suspicious, no matter how ill bring it up.
It does make it a lot easier if someone (not just the therapist) asks directly. Seems like no one wants that burden, if the subject is suicide. I feel I can burden my therapist because that’s her job… when I feel guilty I kind of doublecheck with her that it’s okay to lay stuff on her. I’ve had one really disturbing thought that I’m ashamed of that I won’t even burden HER with, even if I should…but it was only once and I haven’t had it since so meh.
Yeah generally I think there’s a reason the doctors don’t do the psychotherapy 🙂 No “bedside manner”!
I think it’s common enough for troubled people to at least think about suicide… so just bringing up the subject and saying you’ve had thoughts probably wouldn’t alarm her too much? But still be careful. I didn’t know there was that possibility either until people on here talked about it, and I did a little research and yup, it appears they’re right. Even without knowing that, I downplayed it instinctively so as not to worry her. Habit learned in childhood. She still seemed very concerned which made me want to talk to her about it more. Even though I know her caring is professionally based… that if I stop coming to see her she wouldn’t give me a second thought… it certainly feels real :\
yes she would just think where is that girl so and so? but then back to work and listen to others problems. the thought would be forgotten then. yeah its mainly professionally based.
Its her job, the problem is i never had these thoughts before, i dont know how to deal with it or how others will deal with it with me. Its all so new i really dont know much about how not to alarm someone. I been saying my goodbyes and i know people worry that ill do it, its weird to see how they react even when i havent said a word about it. Im frightened if she thinks im harmful to myself. Its something i dont want to see postponed uncertain really.
Yes that might work and ill see her reaction then. Im still not certain. Ill just leave it to therapy and which route itll go to bring it up or not… this is not easy!
No it’s definitely not easy… if you do bring it up let me know how it goes? Rooting for you. *hugs*
thank you and i will 🙂
My only advice to both of you would be to never speak about suicide to anyone you don’t implicitly trust. Speaking about depression is ok, speaking about misery is ok, speaking about suicide gives everyone around you power.
My pain doctor gave me his personal email as a favor and I believed he cared about me. A couple days ago I wrote him a sincere email asking him to euthanize me and I’ve had cops at my door 2 days in a row. Both times I had to talk them out of hospitalizing me.
Not only did this pain doctor not respond to my email or even bother to ask the basic questions about whether or not I had a current plan or immediate desire to kill myself, he simply sent the authorities like a lazy, uncaring bastard.
Do not talk about suicide. Every time you’re asked, deny it. Those professionals you think you can trust can only be trusted with certain types of information.
I know SadBk has never been in a psych ward, but I’m not sure about you blahh. They are not a safe haven for you. They are degrading and sometimes dangerous places to be. If you think that being in a psych ward isn’t so bad, think again. It’s more or less like going to prison.
Neither of you are free. You’re free to live but society has decided that you are not free to die. If you tell people that you’re suicidal, you are giving them the power to lock you up until they decide you’re ready to leave. If either of you are truly interested in buying a gun, you should buy it sooner, not later.
You do not want to be me. You may not be serious about suicide now, but in the future you may be. Losing the option to buy a firearm will haunt you. Signing your freedom away to professionals by making them promises is myopic. As soon as you stop paying them, they will stop asking how you are.
Don’t become me. If you want to live, fine. That’s great. But don’t lose your freedom to decide for yourself.
Letmesleep, UGH, I’m sorry your email was met with such… a by-the-book insensitive reaction. Not even truly by the book if he didn’t ask you those basic questions! At least you didn’t say anything that you couldn’t spin as “just venting” to the cops, eh? Very glad you escaped hospitalization. I do think I need something to happen to shake me up but… I don’t think I want it to be that :\ Unless the psych wards around here are the Lifetime Club Med version! Maybe I’ve already hit bottom, and things just aren’t as black and white as I stubbornly wish they were.
The only person I’ve told is an online friend who lives in the UK and doesn’t know anyone in my life. I suppose he could figure out how to send cops to my house if he got the feeling I was about to do something, he has my address and cell #…he promised he wouldn’t tell anyone else on my abandoned-for-now-blog… I trust that he won’t do anything. He made me promise I’d reach out to him before acting on anything, and I easily made that promise thinking I could break it if I had to because at that point nothing would matter… as long as he feels reassured, I think it’s safe.
And I honestly do feel a bit better on these meds. Weird. I’m still obsessed with suicide, but not so much with planning my own.
And I still wish I could help you. Maybe someday… hopefully you find it here before then…
Thanks, SadBk. Because I don’t come on here looking for sympathy, it’s always a pleasant surprise when it’s given to me without asking. Thank you for understanding that it wasn’t just the fact that he called the cops that was troubling, but that he didn’t give a shit about me. He’s dropped me as a patient as well.
People with Borderline don’t deal with rejection well, and I’m no different. As much of an asshole I think he is, it still made me really angry to be told “no, I won’t help you, and you’re too much of a liability to keep on as a patient”. That makes me feel like some kind of freak, even though I know I’m not. It won’t matter as much to me tomorrow, I’m sure.
For people with BPD, emotions just sting like hell for a little bit and can be hard to let go of. Often emotions that have been settled will reignite themselves so that the feelings of anger or sadness have to be felt over and over. That’s partially why Borderline is so hard. Our emotions just last longer than other people’s.
I think it’s fine to tell a friend in another country. I believe this site is safe as well. The really hard part about suicide is knowing who you can and can’t talk to. There is no real advice to give on that front other than to be careful about how specific you are with people. The word should not be mentioned around professionals at all. It’s really sad that people can’t get appropriate help because talking honestly puts them in danger. Such is the society we live in though 🙁
I’m glad you’re feeling better on the meds. I truly believe they can help a lot of people, but they need to find the right ones for their biochemistry. Thanks for your well wishes.
Aww, you deserve sympathy as much as anyone else here whether you ask for it or not. *hugs* And it’s interesting to me getting insight on Borderline as I’ve never known anyone afflicted with it, so thank you.
A liability? Gee, how humane of him. I guess in your case you’re better off lying. For as long as you’ve suffered, I don’t suppose there’s anything the professionals could help you with in regards to suicidal thoughts anyway.
I feel safe on this site because I don’t use this screen name elsewhere, and no one would be able to guess it was me because no one would ever know where I got “SadBk” from 🙂 (I need to steal your name as it applies to me currently… why can I never sleep at bedtime after dozing on the couch for a mere 15 minutes?!) And that friend gets kinda freaked out if I get a little too specific about methods so I stopped sharing gory details… he went through one period in his life where he was suicidal so he can at least understand somewhat and offer sympathy without judgment.
I’m not sure if this is the right drug or right dosage exactly but I do think it’s doing SOMEthing. Though I’ve also had some “fake happiness” which my logical brain recognizes as fake but emotionally I still haven’t come down from it yet, so it might be that… I don’t expect it to be clear sailing or anything :\
I really dont and cant trust anyone with these thoughts, now im even scared to trust my own therapist. My only freedom could be at stake im not sure how it would help.
Letmesleep I never been in a psych ward, i been with a psycho but thats a whole different story i guess. I really wanted to trust her with it, as shes the only person i could trust this to, but unfortunetly your story is an example of how things can go wrong and what if it goes wrong with me too? theres not much of me left, now i cant even die? that wouldnt be good. Im really sorry for what you had to go through, it must leave one feeling even more alone in this crappy world. *hugs*
And the only people ive told so far are people i met from this site. I know better than to tell whomever, after a betrayal from my supposedly bestfriend i will not trust anyone, i actually should have known better before i even thought i could trust her. when theres a man in the middle women become the least trustworthy beings on earth. thank you (ex)bestfriend!
Even if i wanted a gun i wouldnt know where to find it, actually theyre not allowed in my country unfortunetly. And if they were i never had one in my hands would have no idea how to shoot it and where to so not to fail.
I agree with you SadBk, we all deserve sympathy and i have been loving reading both your comments learning from both of you and commenting myself. you are both appreciated definetly! and yes no one will ever think of blahh at all either lol
I definetly dont trust when im feeling ok or high i know there will always be a storm after some calm period… i dread the time itll happen. maybe im wrong in thinking this way i just know the problems dont disappear just like that unfortunetly, but if i dont get too high i wont get too low either.
I’ve enjoyed chatting with you too, blahh… yeah “blahh” could apply to a great many suicidal people out there, I’m sure 🙂
I hate myself for trusting the highs I had before the depression. When you’re in a low it’s hard not to just want everything to at least be even-keel. I’ve been up and down today myself (which is better than all down, which is what I’d anticipated for this fucking “holiday”). Going to therapy in a little bit, but did some “retail therapy” this morning. I wouldn’t have had the energy to shop for 2 hours before.
Oh those are good news SadBk, that you were able to shop 🙂 sometimes i need to go to the shopping mall for food or something necessary, then i wonder around the shops seeing nothing… i start wondering what am i doing there! you know when a food has no taste? its what i feel in this shops, some were my favourite. but i used to do has “retail therapy” too. i will try skydiving, maybe ill find my life back! anyway dont want to go before i do it.
I learnt not to trust them, but i cant help the highs then the lows and vs, you cant just close yourself at home or prevent waking up in a better mood really!
blahh, that was me at Christmas time, I hated it and took comfort in thinking “this is the last year I have to endure it, next year I won’t be here.” But yesterday it was actually kinda FUN. Felt weird. If some dumb happy song came on, I’d just mentally roll my eyes and tune it out, rather than feel like I need to go hide somewhere. Seeing other people who ~of course~ have better lives than me didn’t upset me at all either.
Skydiving! I don’t have the balls to do that but you totally should – and hey, what better time to do it than when feeling suicidal? If the parachute fails, oh well, problem solved?
I’ve enjoyed talking with you both as well, and thanks for showing me kindness. I have extremely limited emotional energy to give these days (which probably comes from the fact that my sleep is so limited), so sometimes I just don’t respond to things.
Someone I met on here has just left the psych ward herself after about a month and a half (her friend called the cops on her), so I’ve spent some emotional energy there as well. In reality I don’t have it in me to nurture that relationship anymore. I was emailing her last night and I just kinda bailed in the middle of the conversation because I felt exhausted.
Anyways, just wanted you both to know why I’m so inconsistent with what I do and don’t respond to. I’m glad you’re both around on this site because it’s nice to have other adults to talk to.
blahh, I just want to make it perfectly clear that it’s fine to discuss the depths of your depression as long as it doesn’t involve killing yourself. You can still be open and honest without specifically stating intent or desire to die. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve and it gets me into trouble with professionals.
Glad you had a fun time shopping SadBk 😛 Hope you got some nice stuff. In regards to your meds, they aren’t going to fix everything. We’ve talked about some other things that require therapy, not medication, so meds are only one part of your equation. I’m glad they are making you feel somewhat better though.
In other words, meds will take care of your biological side, but therapy is needed for your emotional side. Experiences and biochemistry require different approaches. It’d be great if we could swallow a pill and all our problems go away, but only the luckiest individuals have problems that simple : /
Letmesleep, well I’m glad you feel you can still talk to me on here, when in the mood to do so 🙂 No pressure, you can talk when you want to and disappear when you don’t. I hope your friend is doing okay and didn’t have TOO terrible of a time in the psych ward… if that’s possible…
Some of my happiness is fake (not as in, pretend, but as in, not real), which I discussed with the therapist, and this time she didn’t even try to argue that there’s no such thing as real vs. fake happiness, that it’s all real… I told her I was worried about coming down from it, and she thinks it might not be that bad since I’m uberprepared for it. I think the meds are probably helping with my energy, and possibly with the constant negative thoughts (seems like they’re only there now if I make a point of focusing on them?). I forgot to ask her about that. We spent most of the time going over my “homework notes” (self-imposed assignment!) that I took from my old journals.
oh lol SadBk that would be the end of my troubles.. but if it doesnt fail oh well at least i had my training for when i jump… 😛 yeah those are my plans for the near future!
But im truly glad youre feeling better about shopping and you can find it amusing… i have many ups and downs, i can only find some amusing time in acrobacy, even then i feel it as fake although im feeling it at that moment. Like many things i do with myself but they always seem to be not me as im not able to feel anything, like a… dissociation?
What a way to go that would be, blahh… on the way down you could decide if you reeeeally want to pull the cord or not… and if you die, it looks accidental! Even if they determine the equipment wasn’t faulty, maybe you panicked and froze or something. Ha!
I’ve had dissociative (er… whatever the word is?) feelings at times, I think… not sure if it’s like what you feel…
Last night was kind of hard but certainly no worse than a zillion other people’s night. This morning my buddy at work told me “you’re not missing anything” and went on and on about what an asshole her boyfriend is and how she’s going to leave him, “for real” this time… she says this at least once every 2 weeks, I swear. Drama drama drama. If she does leave him, they get back together in 5-7 days, max. I don’t want THAT… but I can’t help thinking, huh, she can do whatever and he always takes her back (they both treat each other terribly, imo), but I bend over backwards trying to be good enough and I never am. Sigh.
13.000 metters. yay that would be awesome! ill probably panick lol
you were talking about your ex? yes i know how that is… people always with problems with their loved one and want to end and or never do or go back straight away. i stopped listening to them, also because when i need someone theyre not even there for me.
what happened last night? if youd like to talk more you can email me if youd like.
yes its probably what you feel. you like something at the moment but then when its over its like nothing has ever happened not you anyway! like you have someone elses feelings instead of yours! i loved when i could enjoy things as mine… ugh!
You should do it and post here about it 🙂
I don’t mind talking to her when she’s upset, I just don’t want to hear lovey-dovey crap that reminds me what lovable people can have that I can’t. I’m selfish. And my ex… well, he never told me I wasn’t good enough (he said the opposite) but his actions prove it. The therapist says my idea of good enough is “whatever he wants me to be” but that’s not quite right; it’s not like I changed myself for him or anything, at least not on purpose. The changes happened naturally and made me a better person. Which still wasn’t good enough.
Meh, nothing worth blathering about, but thank you 🙂
Kind of like empathizing with characters in a movie?
yes kind of like that! empathizing… you dont even feel it you just empathize. its weird!
No avoid being with lovey-dovey type of people cause itll break my heart. but also when i need some love my friends are not there for me either. im just upset at how selfish people can be and they never ever see your side of the pain. just want everything to them… im upset with a friend cause there was a period of time when i really needed her and she never tried to be there for me at all. then i was talking to my therapist and she told me to imagine if i was in her place with a friend in my place, i said imediatly id be there for her because thats what i most needed at the time.
I will post it if i survive 😛
I’ve heard a lot of people express similar frustrations with friends not being there for them… I actually don’t know what that’s like because I NEVER reach out to ANYONE for help. Even the people who reach out to me when they’re hurting or just need an ear. It feels completely unnatural for me to talk about my own crap when I’m upset. I can sometimes talk about it when I’m not, but I still worry about being a burden (or, at times, judged). Even though I don’t feel that way when they come to me with their own troubles; I’m very comfortable in the supportive friend role. It doesn’t even cross my mind to call a friend for myself, I just want to be alone and deal with it in my own way. I don’t want anyone to see the darkest parts of me. I’ve had people offer to help, repeatedly, and I’m grateful that they care but I don’t want any help. Maybe because I know it won’t do any good… or I’m just so conditioned not to rely on others for anything that it would be too far out of my comfort zone to reach out. I wouldn’t have even started going to therapy if my coworkers hadn’t “forced” me to, after an embarrassing incident at work, which… looking back on it… was probably one of those proverbial “cries for help.” It worked.
i felt that way too, it was never a burden and i was always there for them… its when they know everything about you know where youre at and still seem to not understand. so yes i felt betrayed and if she cant understand me why should i even care. i dont ask you to understand my point, i just feel now im a burden to everyone when i talk about my crap so i dont and also avoid being with couples.
and im glad it helped! its actually good to have someone to talk to who wont judge you and who wont give you crap. of course you cant tell about being suicidal but at least he has to listen, and even if it wont change your mind.
If you ever want to talk feel free to email me (lumykitty at gmail.com). I may not have the answers but I will hear you 🙂
thanks SadBk 🙂