Week 2 in Sydney with my girlfriend. One week and 7 hours from now I’ll be back behind a computer in my crappy desk job (ok, I’m an engineer, so I guess that is enviable to some people) thinking similar thoughts to what I’m thinking now.
I hate everyone.
This is the profound realisation that crossed my drugged, tense, yet sleep deprived mind at 1 am. While not exactly original, what stuck me is the intensity of these feelings. I hate everyone. I hate everyone with a passion resembling ideological extremism. People are fucking pathetic leeches who don’t give a shit about you and think that not giving a shit entitles them to feel morally superior. Well fuck you.
These feelings are so strong that any kind of philanthropy, including giving to charity seems stupid. I give to like, six different charities. Why? Other people don’t deserve my money just because they need it more. If you want to give your money to other ungrateful shitheads, knock yourself out, but I had to crush my soul helping people I don’t like to make this money in the first place. Why should I give it to anyone else. That’s like paying people for the privilege of helping them. Then these charities go around pretending to be all morally superior using the money I worked for. People don’t give a shit about you, they just use you. Think they give a shit if I off myself? Damn right they would. Because I’m worth money to them. But that doesn’t matter because they don’t know shit and wouldn’t care enough to do shit if they did.
Seems so weird to think I used to be such a compassionate person. Now, I just want to watch the world burn.
10 comments
I’m not judging you, but this is my observation. I can see why you feel like you don’t owe anyone anything, but the same goes for everyone to you. However, the education you have gotten, the “crappy” desk job that you have, the security that you have under a civil government, as well as the democracy that you are part of has been due to the sacrifices of millions of people whether justified or not. You can continue feeling like as if you don’t owe the world anything, that is your our own choice. And you are right, people are pathetic leeches because let’s face it, we all have needs, and most often, we want to get rather than give. I just want to congratulate you for giving to six different charities (often times it is the silent givers who are not thanked enough). But what did you expect when you gave? This is what I suggest, if you don’t like giving, don’t give. I don’t even mean that in a nasty way. You’ve got to take care of yourself man, you are the most important thing because it is you!
That was quite the rant…
You seem to have the ability to know others thoughts and motivations and maybe even fortune telling.
Could you send me the winning lotto numbers; I’d like to test out the saying that money can’t buy happiness.
Lol touché.
Engie,
I have been reading over your posts for many months now and it’s very interesting to see your progress. I enjoy your posts thoroughly, for your thoughts are intriguing to say the least. Do you have an email by chance? I would love to have a chat sometime if you’re willing and if it’s possible.
I agree very much with your standpoints, I have shifted towards a more misanthropic and cynical mindset myself over the years with more interaction amongst people and seeing their malicious, egocentric and avaricious ways. The more I observe people the more disgusted I am with the species as an entirety and ashamed to be part of it.
I wish I had the ability to become completely cold-hearted and not give a damn about people, but alas there is part of me that is not willing to conform to my recent philosophy. It’s a work in progress, as it always is.
I hope you the best, may you continue to post on SP for all it’s worth. Best of wishes.
Hate is more of an action and an activity than it is an emotion … it requires energy, time and thought … might i suggest you try indifference … it’s more passive and energy and time efficient … you need not remain concerned what others think, say and do with indifference.
lazy dawg
Hey, I agree. I depend on others as much or perhaps more than they depend on me and if I were excluding myself from ‘everyone’, I probably would have posted this someplace other than a site for terminal depressives.
We all think we’re morally superior, though, and what I’m saying is that’s a lie. I’m no more morally superior to someone who doesn’t give to charity or someone who has no philanthropy whatsoever. The entire premise of moral superiority is flawed.
I wasn’t expecting anything in return when I started giving to charity, it’s just a vestige of a time when I was more optimistic about humanity. That said, I probably won’t stop giving because it’s nice to see my money doing something other than sitting in a bank and it’s completely tax refundable anyway.
Sometimes I think I feel the same – perhaps not hate, but a deep desire to be alone, completely alone, away from all the corruption and lies and constant noises. And yes, boring office jobs that pay the bills, but still leave us wanting more…so we are constantly searching…there is a good book that you may enjoy reading – The Celestine Prophecy – it answered many of my questions and left me wanting for more answers…in case you read it, let me know what you think – christinarn112@gmail.com
If you want to really give without worry as to what your donation is being used for – ask a local animal rescue what type of food they feed the cats and dogs – then purchase the food and deliver it to them – the folks will be thankful and the animals will have meals and the rescue can use their cash funds on adoption dives and vetting of the animals – it’s a win win win 🙂 (and yes, it’s still tax deductible)
rescue dawg
GoneInGrace,
I’m kind of flattered. It’s nice to know my writing is interesting to someone.
I do have an email. Send something to I_am_a_godly_chicken@yahoo.com.au. It’s not my main email, so just send me something and I’ll give you all my other contact details.
Take care.
Dawg,
That is a good point. There are countless entrepreneurial, philanthropic or even misanthropic activities I could be doing, the least of which is charitable giving. Perhaps doing something more substantial would give my life a sense of purpose.