Long story short.
I was so in love with my ex boyfriend. Everyone always asked why I dated him because I model and they all thought he was so “below” my league. But I adored him. And believed him when he said we would get married and go to college together.
He cheated on my behind my back for 7 months. He would never take me on dates or buy me flowers. I did all the work. At christmas he promised to take me on a trip to NYC. I got nada.
His new girlfriend he left me for? Trip to NYC for christmas. That was supposed to be mine. Flowers and dates all the time.
He hates me. He got me pregnant twice. The first I lost in a miscarraige he told me to just “get over”. The second I had an abortion which I truly regret because he told me to go kill myself, and that it wasn’t his. Even though he was the only I had ever slept with. I tried to commit suicide. 9 times.
Im engaged now. Hes loves, and I love him to an extent. But im not happy. I cry myself to sleep every night. Im broken. I still love my ex and he doesnt want me. I feel worthless, ugly, unwanted.
My friends and family think Im a freak because I tried to commit suicide. My mom tells me all the time there is ‘something wrong with my head”.
I was even diagnosed with PTSD from some of the abusive stuff my ex put me through.
I hate my life. I wanna try again. I want it to work. I want the pain to go away.
Im scared though because I am religious, but I feel like God is not there. And ive been told hundreds of times ill go to hell.
But why does God want to keep me alive with so much pain? I cant do it anymore.
I don’t know why I am here. I dont know what I want.
I just want it to work this time.
4 comments
Your ex boyfriend is mean. Sometimes when we dont’ get what we think we want in this life, a greater power is looking after us. Trust that. He is mean and treated you horribly. He attacks you for some reason, has wooed you to love him. But, trust me, he’s not worth your love.
Whether the man you are with now is the person to marry, I do no know. I would say find yourself before you join your life with someone else.
Very few know why they are here. Join the crowd.
How can you be engaged when you are still this attached to your ex? You should realize you are doing the same thing to your fiance that your ex did to you, you’re giving everything he wants to someone else. I’m sure your fiance wants you to go to sleep thinking about him and spend your days thinking about the future together, but little does he know you’re sitting around obsessing about your ex. I think you’re hurting the person you’re with now just as much as your ex ever hurt you. I would hate to be engaged to a woman and not know that she’s sitting around thinking about someone else the entire time. Don’t get me wrong I understand it can take a very long time to get over someone, I know what you mean about having ptsd from an abusive ex. You’re allowed to still be struggling with it and to need more time to get over it, the only puzzle piece that doesn’t really fit is already being engaged to someone when you’re still aren’t feeling better… you run a very high risk of marrying this person for the wrong reason just because you thought it would make you feel better and help you move on and then waking up some day and realizing you don’t want to be married to this person. I would finish healing before I worry about getting married but ultimately it is your decision. Just realize you have to potential to end up hurting somebody just as badly as your ex hurt you.
I was your age once. I was married 3 times. And just finished 2 months with the worst ugly person I ever shared a house with (just house share, no intimacy). This worst ugly person told me her childhood ambition was to be an actress, and she acted nice for about 2 weeks. Last time I saw her, she was in the back of a police car, and they had her rifle. She shot at me, just for ya-ya’s as I was moving out. Just for dramatic effect I’m sure, but who knows what a loon is thinking.
Tie your opinion of you to you. Do not tie it to anybody else, male or female or “god”. Once your opinion of you is settled, then you can think about sharing you with another person, or “god”
I think you should just forget about your ex and move on with the guy that you’re engaged to now. I’m sorry that you lost your babies, but you have to move on with your life. Have you tried counseling to help you cope with your loss? It’s not fair to the guy who you’re engaged to now, if all you think about is your ex.