my story

I’ve been stuggling with mental health problems for a few years now. Although its only been this month that I’ve sought help.
My suicide story starts the day my depression began. I was 17 when my ‘best friend’ was beaten up by a group of asian lads. My friend went to the police but was told there was nothing they could do. A couple of weeks later my friend and I were in the same area and my friend spotted one of the lads who beat him up ( using glass bottles). I walked over to the lad and punched him. So hard he was in hospital for a couple months.
At first the police thought it was an unprovoked racist attack because the lad didn’t recognise my friend and we are both white. Anyway the police went the whole 9 yards and through forensic evidence my friend was arrested.
Then I was arrested and in court it turned out that my friend was the main and only witness against me…I got 12 months on tag ( house arrest) was thrown out of college and lost my job.
The day I found out it was my friend who ‘grassed me up’ I went home and was alone. I physically broke down because in my head I saw it as I was sticking up for my friend and he betrayed me. I’ve always done street drugs and have a high tolerence but I decided to go into my medicine cabit. I was a mess, I was shacking and I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I was always strong minded and very popular but this broke me. I lost all faith in my judgement and in my life. So I devoured the medicine, my dads blood pressure tablets, pain killers, sleeping tablets, everything. Too much as it turned out because I passed out, woke up in the morning covered in my own sick and undigested pills.
This was the only time I overdosed with the view of killing myself but it isn’t the last time I’ve overdosed. When I woke I felt better, I was happy and although the next 12 monthes on tag sent me into depression. I saw the overdoseing as a good thing because I lived and was fates way of saying it wasn’t my time and so I have to deal with my problems.
Since then I’ve had really good times and really bad. My bipolar means I’m constantly feeling up and down. Its been about 5 years and I’m happy I didn’t die but 3 times since then when I’ve got really down. I’ve done the same thing ( I know now if you take too many pills your body will reject them) but I get really drunk, then I sit on my floor smoking weed and taking pill after pill till I pass out. Each time I’ve woken up (survived the overdose) and then that’s my que to get my act into gear and face whatevers getting me down. Its a weird way to make up your mind but its the only thing that works….it wasn’t my time therefore I must deal with life. Everytime I wake up I am over the moon, so happy, I’ve beat death. It seems to cure my depression instantly ( although I obviously would not advice it too anyone). As I said I lost all faith in my judgement and this way prevents me from having to choose.
Last year I moved to spain for 6 months. I had some great times but then i became homeless and was taken in by a couple of drug dealing crackheads. They gave me a bed and food but I got caught up in their life. They got in trouble with some ruff people and I was awoken one night with a knife to my throat. After a good beating I managed to get away and I spent the night hiding in fear of them chasing me. In the morning I got some friends and decided to go back to my place to grab my stuff.  Only to return to find my place and all my belongings had been petroled bombed. Then I found out that my nans been put into care, my grandad’s got dimensia and my aunts got cancer so I thought it was a good time to leave and come home.
I returned to no big welcome, things have been bad since I was away and being back has sent my mental problems into a downwards spiral. I convinced myself my brother has got me into dedt ( turns out it was my ‘best friend’ from before) but at the time I thought it was my brother and I lost it and smacked him with a saucepan, which is bad enough but was made worse as I lost it on christmas day.
I can now barely leave the house. Although I’m not scared of people, I get scared when its too busy. Where trouble could come from anywhere ( no doudt due to my experience in spain). My emotions are everywhere. This is the worse I’ve ever been, which is why I’ve decided its time to tell people what goes on in my head but at the same time I’ve started abusing my anti-depressents- not taking them for a week then taking 1 big dose. I’ve also started carrying around enough pills to kill me but not enough for my body to reject them ( I looked up the correct dosage to make it fatel). If I can kill myself at anytime whether I’m having a good day or a bad day then I’m hoping it’ll take away the appeal of overdosing but still I’ve become obsessed with the notion of fate. That by overdosing I take the choice out of my hands and it’s down to death whether I act or not. Its not suicide, if I wanted to die ild hang myself or throw myself off a cliff not by overdose but still hear in my hand I carry enough to kill me, at any time I could go. Death is easy but when is my time? I’m not stupid I know I’m young and I’ve got plenty of time left too make things better, which is why I am still here but I’m afraid that when I have my down days instead of facing my trouble I’m just gona take these pills and let fate decide but this time I won’t wake up again becuase of the dosage….I don’t know if any of this is making sense, its just how my mind works!
As I have said I am seeking help and I hope to have some ‘normal days’ again. I’m planning on returning to spain ( but staying away from drug dealing crackheads). The reason I’m telling my story is I just want to know if anyone else uses suicide as a means to decide? I’ve cut myself before not on the wrist or with the thought of dieing just because it reminds me that I can take pain and that I’m not weak. This I’ve heard other people do but I’ve never heard about anyone overdosing to get red of depression and to make them face their issues.
Really I just wanted to tell my story because I’m tired of keeping everything in. I’m as crazy as crazy comes and I’m convinced this is due to the life around me but I hope someone knows how too make me better. Thank you for reading