New mantras: “And she’s (I’m) not even pretty!”; “Pretty on the inside”.

I am not used to love. When I fall in love, I get physically and mentally sick. When  first realize that I am in love, I want to throw up, my stomach starts to hurt, I start to have a hard pain in my chest if I’m not with that person, I feel suddenly tired and really sleepy. I start feeling so sad, really sad and out of me. Eventually, if I am not with that person, I start feeling depressed and then suicidal. I would describe this as some kind of poisoning.
I met a girl online and she introduced me one of her friends.  I started to talk to him (he lives in another city, another country, another continent) and I noticed that we have so much in common, he understands me and I understand him and he is the nicest person I’ve even met. I realized that I was in love using the same method than pregnant girls:  the symptoms. First I forgot what happen to me when I fall in love, I was happy. Then we didn’t talk in one day, one fucking day and it started, that’s when I started to remember some things. About an hour ago we talked, but he suddenly hung up the call. I was ok, just a little sad but nothing important. Then, 30 minutes later, I went to my room, thinking about going to sleep. But, instead, I just took some pills (6) and came to my room thinking about killing myself. I wanted to cut myself. I started to cry a lot and scratch myself in my leg so hard while screaming in my head “why are you so ugly? Why are you so fat? Why are you so stupid?”. I was feeling  lot of hate about myself. I remembered he told me not to hurt myself because “you deserve to be happy, because you are a nice person, you’re smart, you’re lovely. And that it’s not a compliment, it is the truth”. So I started this small fight in my head about myself. I just decided not to cut. I just cried a little bit but now I feel better.

I think I am so pathetic. God, I just read what I wrote and I feel so stupid. I think I am a stupid child who needs to be punished. Nevermind.