It all went off just the way I had anticipated. Â And even stranger than that. I could hardly bring myself to say a mere “hello”. In the first fifteen minutes I found myself just standing aloof and staring at the walls while all the noises mingled in my ears. I don’t know why it was so hard and why I felt so much out of place, but it proved what I really was. Redundant. That is not surprising at all. I’m used to being a shadow.
At last when I finally mustered some courage to speak up, even the couple words I said sounded awkward to me. I’m sure they noticed it too. Or at least those few ones that stood close enough to hear me. Yep, there was a quick back “hi”, then they looked away again and returned to their lively conversation. I didn’t know how to act. So I just gave a sigh, leaned against the wall not to block the way for those passing through, and pretended I wasn’t there.
The wait was the worst of all. The class that was supposed to be never took place. An hour and a half of silence. They buzzed, I stayed mute. Then, when I could no longer take it, I tried asking questions, even made myself smile a bit. No reaction. Of course I was prepared for ignorance, but jeez, that was hideous. After I had to leave for like two hours and then come back, they didn’t notice I wasn’t there, nor did they when I was, they just passed me by, didn’t even wanna look up.
During the final class I sat alone, never said a word, it was useless. And after it was over, they took off so quickly I couldn’t catch one of them. I am an outsider. I need to get used to it. Though I thought they would be interested to know I’m older and would be more willing to pay attention to me, but no, I was wrong, so wrong. They might have thought I was lying, because I don’t look my age at all, no matter how hard I try, it’s all fucking in vain! I can see that, and I still feel like a little girl, not like an adult. Why? What is the problem with me? I can never be one of them. Never.