I found this website and decided to post, because I have nowhere else to turn.
I think I am close to ending my life. For the last seven years, I have suffered from crippling depression and anxiety. I always had anxiety when I was a child, and in retrospect, I wish I had gotten help. But I was just a child, and I always thought that, in the end, I would be okay; that it was nothing too serious; that perhaps it was normal and that I would “grow out of it.” But I never did. As I got older I began to realize that my anxiety was not normal.
In 2003, I was a freshman in college and my anxiety grew worse and worse. It was over the course of the next couple of years that I started developing a suffocating depression in addition to my anxiety. Eventually, it got so severe that, in 2005, I dropped out of college. In the intervening years up to now I have had various counselors, taken medications at different times, and I even tried to go back to college in 2010. I completely failed in that attempt; I ended up dropping out again.
I try to find work, but I can get nothing. No one will hire a 27-year-old who has little to no work history. I lie awake at night, thinking about how my life has been completely destroyed by my depression and anxiety. All the hopes and dreams I had growing up — of going to school, having a career, making something of myself — have been destroyed by the mental illness that plagues me. I look back and wish I had gotten help when I first went to college. But it’s too late now. Sometimes the thought of all my lost potential brings me to uncontrollable tears.
And now, I am worse than I have ever been. Even during some of my lowest moments over these last seven years, I always had at least a glimmer of hope that something better lay ahead, on the other side of this agony. But now, even that small amount of hope is completely gone. More and more, I can feel that I am a burden to my family. This hurts most of all, because when I was young, I always dreamed of making something of myself so that I could give back to my family. But my depression and anxiety destroyed all of that.
In recent weeks I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker — mentally and physically. I am at the weakest I’ve ever been. Whereas just a few years ago, suicide seemed a faint idea, it is now all I think about. Today, I tied a noose and wrote a letter to my family for after I am gone. All that remains is too have the courage to actually do it.
I don’t know what else to do. I cannot exist like this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore. The pain is unbearable.
4 comments
It’s never too late to get help.
Have you considered trying an apprenticeship program and learning a skilled trade? All you need is a high school diploma to get into them. You can make a lot of money in a skilled trade like auto mechanic, welder etc. There are always options. When I graduated university, I had no idea what I was going to do, but eventually I volunteered and got into teachers college and now I’m a teacher and making money. Don’t give up man.
There is good advice above!
It’s never too late to achieve your potential, ever! You can be whomever you want to be and achieve your dreams, just believe in yourself and your capabilities.
I agree with the two replies above on both points. 1) It’s not too late, and 2) Dave suggested a good strategy of getting educated in a specific career where you are likely to get hired, mechanic, electrician, etc.
It’s not too late. Not to be harsh, but you’re just making an excuse, the same way you did when you were younger and didn’t get help. You didn’t do it then, and you regret it at 27, and if you don’t do it now, you’ll regret it later (or you’ll follow through with ending your life). There are success stories of people who have turned their lives around at all different ages. It might not be common, but neither is it impossible.
I can totally relate to you. I am just a year or two younger than you and am in a similar situation. I have not worked for a while now because of social anxiety and depression. I too had dreams of how much I was going to accomplish, and instead I am relying on my family to help me pay for things long after I should have been out in the world as an independent person. I feel horrible about it but at least one of my parents is somewhat supportive and understands why.
With the way the economy has been, there are people of all ages walking around with huge gaps in their resume and work history. I’m sure at this point most employers are used to seeing people who may not have a strong history for the last year or two. It would be different if the economy was booming and you were the only one lacking recent employment, but almost everyone looking for a job is in the same boat.
Logically I’m sure you understand that you *can* work on improving things if you wanted to, and the real issue is that the depression makes you like like it isn’t worth it, so you can’t find the energy or the motivation. I understand that. Like I said I’m going through the same thing. Sick of all aspects of my life. Mid 20s and it’s 6:30 Saturday night and I’ve just been laying in my dark bedroom listening to music. This is not the life I wanted.
Just try to realize you aren’t alone. Literally almost everyone I know, despite some of them doing better than me or having jobs, are either still living at home, working but still having parents help pay for stuff, etc. And it’s not that I just associate with a bunch of losers, I’m talking about everyone from casual acquaintances from my past, to the friends that I actually keep up with, it doesn’t sound like anyone is doing too great right now. I know neighbors and other people who have much older children in their 30s and 40s who have moved back home to try to save money while they look for work.
But there’s kinda no point in discussing how to get jobs and everything else because what stops you at step 1 is the depression. It doesn’t matter what plan of attack we can try to come up with, because the depression will either make everything sound pointless or will drain you of the energy and motivation needed to carry out the plan. So you have to try to figure out how to get past the depression. Either talking to somebody, medications, or just working hard to find something in this world that is worth waking up to do every day.
I feel like a bit of a hypocrite typing all of this since I’m going through the same thing, but I guess talking to someone so similar is almost like talking to myself. I have come up with so many different ideas, go take some tests, get some new job certifications, go back to school, get back in shape, but I know the depression just makes me say “meh” to all of it and go back to bed.
Anything is possible when you have a desire for life. The problem is being suicidal, you don’t really give a damn to try to pick the pieces back up. And I guess if I knew exactly how to get past those feelings, I’d already be doing it myself, so I can’t tell you how. If you’ve never tried therapy before, try that. I’m opposed to medications and don’t think I would ever want to try any, but if you’re open to them, you can go that route too.
Also you may feel a burden to your family now but killing yourself will burden them with the grieve of losing you and I have seen how long after a death families can still be grieving. And I’m 100% certain they are never going to say “well gee it hurts that he decided to kill himself but at least the financial and emotional burden is gone, he set us free from that”. No amount of assistance that they have to give you is ever enough of a burden that they are going to want you “gone” in this way. Sometimes when we’re depressed we say really illogical things, being a “burden” is a common thing on this website and people speak as if killing themselves is just going to make their families so happy and carefree, which anyone can understand is total nonsense. Your family would just be burdened with the grief of your suicide. If you want to not burden your family, then let them be your inspiration to get out of bed each day and commit to fixing this situation you find yourself in. Give your family the gift of seeing you fix yourself and find some happiness and success before they leave this world, let them know that you made it rather than burdening them with the sadness that you were never able to figure it out.
You don’t need courage to kill yourself, you need the courage to figure out how to do something about this.