To my sweet angel Carleen….

I fear that this is the end of me. For so many years before we met I lived a life of misery. I hated myself, hated everything. I used to live day to day like a robot in a trance. I had a shitty childhood. From being abused, to being treated shitty, moving around a lot, sexually molested, and no matter how much effort I put into fixing my life something always had to happen to make it worse. Then I met you. Every girl I have ever met in my entire life had been a waste of my life. The used me, cheated on me, and hurt me. I always prayed to god that I would find someone meant for me and one day he gave me you and you are the exaxt image of my dream girl I was so astonished when you were given to me I couldn’t believe it was real. God how lucky I was to hold someone so smart, so beautiful inside and out, someone so caring so loving, so different and interesting. We had such a strong bond and love that was in breakable…. And one day things just weren’t so bright anymore. We begam arguing and more frequently as the days went by. I was so convinced you were just trying to control my life and keep me from doing the things I wanted. And now I can’t even live myself when it comes to facing reality. I pushed you away. I had no job, I was slacking off, acting like a kid playing and putting fun before responsibility. You told me the things you did because you were looking out for my best interest and trying to get me to get my life together. All you ever did was love me and care for me and try to make me happy and you did anything you could to help me and I showed no appreciation for any of it and I hurt you and let you down so many times. You gave me countless chances and each time I told you I was going to turn myself around and each time I failed to do that each time and let you down more and more each time. I dont know why I couldn’t see what I was doing and fix things before it was too late. and there is no use in me wishing I could rewind time because I know that will never happen. Your family has blocked me from their lives, you have blocked me from all contacting you and will not speak to me. That makes me already dead inside whether I am “alive” and “coherent” in this world I am dead inside. I only have myself to blame. The pain of your absence only grows worse each day. They say time heals all, well time will never heal losing the best thing in my emtire life. It’s such a terrible ripping pain going from having you be a huge part of my life the biggest part at that, and now you are completely gone. You have made your mind up and made it clear that it will never be again… And the most horrible thing of ot all…. I finally learned my lesson and started showing the change and proving myself and even after all our years and memories together you still erase me. You make it seem as though it is so easy for you to make me disappear after all we’ve been through whether it is or not that is how it shows to me. Yeah its my fault and I should’ve learned sooner and I only have myself to blame but i can’t carry on with the regret and the hell I have made for myself everyday having to know that I ran you away and you were the one thing I never wanted to lose how ironic is that. And it kills me knowing I am now doing the things and that it still wont get you back…. Everyone will see me as selfish I know that. But I’m not doing it to be selfish. It’s because I can’t live with myself knowing the hurt and stress and pain I have caused the one person I love above everything in this whole world and that I will never get the chance to make her feel the love and happiness she deserves. I hate myself. Ido not want to go back to how my life was before I had you especially now knowing what the pain is of losing you. Everyone tells me to move on it’ll get better but it won’t…. Because I will never find someone who makes me feel the way you do and whether I can go find someone or not, i don’t want to find someone to replace you…. It’s making me a grown man cry my eyes out like a child knowing that I can’t even tell you I love you to you anymore or hear your voice again or hold you one last time because you have blocked me and erased me…. So I have to hope someone else will relay the message and my feelings to you since I cannot. I wish it wasn’t this way but as I’ve learned wishes bring you nothing but hurt. I know I am going to miss all of my friends and family and that they all love me and care about me but without you I feel empty and have a ripping pain eating away at me. You gave me a love and a happiness I have never felt in my life before and I feel like I am missing a big part of myself without you and I am only half of what I could be. And i will forever live incomplete because no one can fill your place in my heart or make me feel as complete. Everyone says they understand how I feel and that you’ll find someone else and its a part of life. Yeah well its my Fucking fault that I put myself here. If god is there why the fuck would he create me knowing that he would torment me with the hurt of losing my everything why couldn’t it just be a wake up call that I had to prove myself before you would come back this time? But no you’re gone for good and I have to live with that guilt and shame and hurt and I don’t even think you know how bad I am hurting. NO ONE knows how I feel no one understands. No one will EVER understand my love for you or why this hurt me the way it did and no one understands how amazing you are and how much you meant to me. Not even you because I failed to show you while i had the chance. Carly I love you with all of my heart all of my soul with everything that I am and with more sincerity than anyone could have and I’m sorry I couldn’t have shown you when I had the chance. But don’t ever think I dont love you because god knows I do. I just can’t live with this hurt. I’m living a nightmare i can’t wake up from and its a pain worse than hell. Goodbye all this is the inevitable my mind has been made up no sense in trying to talk me down. I’m sorry to my family to my friends and most of all to you carly… But I hope none of you greive for me, I wish you would understand and be happy for me that I finally found peace and no longer had to suffer through each day and no longer had to go through life pretending everything was going to be ok pretending to be happy and letting myself down telling myself she wpuld come back… I’m not ok.. and I cant do this anymore. You guys are all amazing and I love each of you deeply and pray I will never be forgotten by you. Love always, aaron