Why me?

Why do these things always seem to happen to me? I remember when i use to be happy and full of fun and joy but that was when i was 13 and now im 18. The trouble in my life all started when i moved to this small town called didsbury just half hour outside of my city Calgary Alberta i had my friends in Calgary id talk to them when ever i could this was before i had Facebook or Xbox live. i went through hell in that town i was beat up and bullied all the time and that’s what organically started my issues like i couldn’t go outside in that town alone one time i did and i got a knife to my neck. i moved out of there to Airdrie and i liked it there i had good friends then moved back to the best City ever Calgary. When i was still living in hell (Didsbury) my mother sent my sisters and i to texas for a vacation she said i needed one and i did and this was the spring break when there was a random blizzard in Calgary and so at the end of this vacation we couldn’t get back home because of that blizzard so my uncle gave us the option of either staying at the airport or staying with a friend of his for the night because my uncle and his family were going on a cruise the next day so cant stay at there place so we spent the night at his friends place. It turns out his friend had a daughter my age so Morgan and i hit it off as soon as we met and as a christian man i thought it was god giving me a generous break from the pain i had to live through but no she just gave me more pain after a 5 year crush on her and i thought it was a message from the lord when i learned that her ant lives in the same small town outside of Edmonton as my grandparents do i would meet her every summer when she kissed me for the first time it felt like time it self just stopped it was so generic her and i were sitting on a grassy hill watching the sun set this was when i was still afraid of kissing a girl with out asking so i was talking and she just turned around and kissed me. but the last time i saw her she said it would never work then walked away and i never heard from her again.

when i finally got back to Calgary i thought life was starting to come back i was good for 1 year back going to the same high school that my dad went to but on my second year i met this woman named lusy. I personally haven’t felt that way about a woman since Morgan and i have told you how much she meant to me. Lusy was different she cared she seemed like she understood me she was the second woman i ever said i love u to. i became dead inside after Morgan and when i met lusy it changed but when i discovered she was using me to but her smokes because im 18 and she is 17 and was cheating on me. i learned this after she left me and worst of all she gave me the most bullshit answer to “its not you its me” and over text my heart , my soul and my life was over yet again. I know my life is truly pathetic like im weird , im a geek and im so pathetic that i can never actually hurt myself or kill myself no matter how many times i try im to pathetic for anything anymore my life is worth nothing. my dreams of joining the military or driving because i have Epilepsy i can do nothing but death is what i have nothing to live for. i have being trying to kill myself since i was 8 years old. I dont want to be like this any more i dont like to be like this no matter how much i want it i tell everyone i repeated grade 2 because i was in the hospital but the truth it that i was in a mental institute for a school year to try to help me but clearly it never worked. I want death but at the same time i dont but i am dead inside my soul it gone my heart has stopped beating so suicide is pointless seeing how i am already dead.