I don’t know what I want anymore. Somedays, I feel like all I have is suicide, but the next day, I feel like I can pull myself out of this. I’m so lost. I’m stuck between life and death. I can’t tell which one is more terrifying. Somedays, I feel like I have friends, even if they’ll never understand me, I don’t feel so alone. But others, I feel so alone, like I’ll never be good enough to keep anyone in my life. I keep screwing things up and alienating people. I just want to be normal. I just make life hard for everyone who knows me, but then they seem to care about me. I just know they’ll eventually get exhausted and leave. I understand it. I do. That’s I want. I’m exhausted, and I want to leave, for the good of everyone. But then I get an email or a kind word that pulls me back from the edge. Maybe it’d be easier to die if everyone did hate me. Those who don’t really don’t know me that well. If they did, they’d hate me too. I’m sick of this back and forth. I wish I could just decide. I’m so unstable.