Bully

I just joined. I’m a girl, a cutter. Not an adult, but I won’t say my age. My life wasn’t unfair, I wasn’t abused, nothing bad happened to me. That’s exactly the problem though. Other people, kinder people, better people than me have been raped, assaulted, bullied, any number of problems. Not me. I don’t have any problems. None.

I hate myself because I was, am, a bully. I changed schools recently so I haven’t bullied anyone recently, but at my other school, oh I’m such an awful person. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the people I used to bully are all on here, crying because of a careless remark I made when walking by. My psych said I’m a “purist”. I don’t think she knows me well enough to make that judgement, but opinions from people like me don’t matter. She said I’m just being too hard on myself for this whole bullying thing. I don’t think I am. She said I should apologize because it would make the victims feel better. I don’t think they want an apology. They want to see me cry, see me hate myself as much as they hurt. But they don’t know. That’s exactly how I feel. I am despicable. Because trash like me exists, other people kill themselves. This site is enough example of that. It is exactly because nothing bad has happened to me that I can attack myself this much. The school never knew, so they can’t do anything to punish me. None of my victims went after me. No one else punished me so I will. It makes sense right? It is also because I’m so terrible that I can’t apologize either. If I apologized then I wouldn’t carry anymore of the burden. It’s unfair that I could be able to live my life completely unaffected by what I did just by saying a few words, and yet my victims will have to bear with the lifelong self-esteem issues and depression, and mental scarring for the rest of their lives, whether I apologize or not.

I’m a terrible person, a bully, and I’ll have to live with this stain on my heart for the rest of my life. A smudge of dirt compared to what you’ll have to carry.