Do not mix. I joined a dating site last night and I actually found myself hoping nobody would contact me. Of course they did but I realized I was deathly afraid of actually meeting any of these people. I kind of just wanted it all to go away.
It didn’t used to be this bad. About six months ago after my roommate’s wedding, something snapped and my BPD just spun out of control. Now I’m afraid of making new friends, meeting women, and even having extended conversations with people I know well. Borderline sucks ass. It’s seriously miserable because I’m not happy with people and not happy without them. I’m bored and lonely.
I thought what I needed to do in terms of dating was just put myself out there, so in a last ditch effort to save myself from a shotgun blast, I signed up on that website. I have plenty of positive qualities and everyone I know loves to go on and on about what a great guy I am, but deep down I feel like trash. Total trash.
That overwhelming sense of inadequacy makes me extremely afraid for new women to see me on anything but a superficial level. I feel that once they realize I’m chronically suicidal and have no real ambition or love of life, they’ll ignore all the reasons why I would be an amazing husband. Loyal, kind, polite, empathetic, gentle, fun, intelligent, fit…these are all qualities I possess but I have a deep seated fear that the only thing they will see is my despair. My lack of a job seems like it would be a huge barrier too, even though I’m independently wealthy. I have no excuse for not being employed right now besides the ugly truth that I’ve been obsessively pursuing death for the last 4 years.
I’ve struggled with self hatred my whole life, and since it’s part of BPD, I don’t expect it to go away. If I could find that deep female validation, I know it would unlock my life in ways nothing else could. However, it feels like trying to climb Everest with a pair of eating utensils. My life had never seemed so hopeless as when I actually tried to move forward and saw how far I still had to go. A relationship feels impossible.
4 comments
Ideally, you wouldn’t need that “deep female validation” because you’d have a stronger sense of self-worth… but if your BPD makes that impossible… hmmm. What happens if you fall in love with someone and it doesn’t work out? Would that be the last straw?
I had that male validation and was happier than I’ve ever been, I thought FINALLY, after so much failure, this is The One… only to find more failure. The thought of dating turns my stomach. Having to share stats… go out on superficial dates… pretend to be normal… blech. But I hope you at least manage to have some fun with it and take some risks and who knows where it may lead you? If you have so much money that you don’t need to work right now, that should make up for the lack of a job, at least.
Good luck, you know I’m rooting for you 😀
Well, Sad, what you describe actually did happen to me. I was in love once in the past 4 years and when that crashed and burned it brought me to a whole new low as you said. I wasn’t the same after that because during that time I realized none of this really matters. It’s hard to describe how one goes from being a normal person to an existential nihilist, but the idea that life is inherently meaningless somehow just made sense to me. I’ve been struggling to justify humanity’s existence ever since.
I think I’d be more careful this time around as I learned a few things from it. Mostly how not to be emotionally manipulated by a noncommittal person and how trying to make someone love you is pointless. If they aren’t interested, they aren’t interested. It’s best to move on to someone that is.
I know you feel let down by your last relationship. I can identify with being extremely hopeful that your life is finally going to be different only to see it slip through your fingers. That’s very difficult because when so much is riding on the relationship, the end of said relationship can be catastrophic. It certainly was for me.
Thanks for your support.
“But the idea that life is inherently meaningless somehow just made sense to me. I’ve been struggling to justify humanity’s existence ever since. “
If you have reached the conclusion that life is meaningless why are you still struggling to justify humanity’s existence?
Any justification will surely be meaningless if the observer already starts with the answer.
The truth is that meaning is subjective and can’t be known with any certainty and as such requires the capability of faith. Faith not necessarily in the religious sense but acceptance without the need for proof, without doubt or certainty – (faith is a difficult paradox to hold)
In your own life I am sure you had moments that felt meaningful to you in one moment and meaningless in the next.
What if every moment was meaningful in and of itself as a moment and it is our attempts to quantify and qualify the experience that made the difference in how the meaning of the movement was felt by us.
I think allot of people are under the impression that “meaning†ought to be a Truth with a capital T that never changes. An expectation that this meaning must make their lives purposeful and purposeful, they will be happy.
Such a Appeal to meaning can only bring disappointment. Do not appeal to meaning, instead allow meaning and you may find contentment.
I will tell you that the search for meaning will take you nowhere because you are already there. Meaning comes for the person that experiences it in the moment they experience it. It is personal, and any attempt to grasp it destroys it.
Almost every wisdom traditions says the same thing as expressed by T.S Eliot
“We shall never cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring – Will be to arrive where we started, And know the place for the first time.â€
Cautious is good. For me, it had been so long since I’d fallen in love that I’d forgotten why it’s better to be cautious, even when someone appears to be as committed as I am and says all the right things early on >.> I don’t remember if I told you I’d been roped into doing online dating right before him? I didn’t like it, only lasted about a month. I wanted to just talk online to the guys forever and not actually meet anyone. The one guy I did meet was underwhelming, but he liked ME. Awkward. I was reminded of everything I hate about dating. I wasn’t scared so much as I just viewed it all as a big waste of time and thought I was done falling in love with people. How naive considering what happened next! And sigh, now I’m broken again like everyone else.
But, hey, if nothing matters, then who cares if you fuck this up? Maybe you can meet some pretty girls and have a little fun and if nothing happens, oh well, right? Or just maybe you’ll meet someone life-changing…