The music is playing. The feelings sinks in. You lay your head on your pillow, gently. You curl up into that typical fetus position, because for some odd reason, you feel safe that way. Â You close your eyes. You let the music fill up your mind, like a breeze of air that enters a room through a window and forces out all the stuffy, carbon-dioxide contaminated air, you were breathing in and out for the past decade. You think about nothing else. You only hear the harmonic melody of the music: leggero in A-minor with a twenty-four bar long introduction, forceful and yet mystically beautiful. You smirk: normal people would probably be crying right now, maybe even be on the phone with a good friend, maybe eating some chocolate, maybe thinking about their feelings, maybe allowing emotions in general. Not you. No, definitely not you. You just lay on your bed instead, looking like a lifeless corpse. You know if someone entered the room right now and would see you, they would conclude that you’re either dead or unconscious. You will look hideous tomorrow, with all that smeared mascara and eye-liner. Then again, is there ever a day, on which you don’t look hideous? Most likely not. The music is seemingly louder. Your leg is twitching uncontrollably. You are shivering. Your stomach is growling. Your tears are tainting the bed sheets. Your right arm is burning, bleeding, blemishing. Do you care? No. You just lay there. You just lay there on your bed. You just lay there on your bed, more dead than alive.
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7 comments
It is beautiful.
Thank-you…I guess you’re most creative when you’re at your lowest…
I think it’s about being more in touch with your feelings. A bit of both. Why are you at your lowest?
Maybe you’re right…then again, all my feelings are gone…I’m just left feeling empty and alone. Laying on your bed for hours with one single melancholic piano song on repeat is not fun…but that’s what happens when you’re rejected, treated like a sex toy, abused, bullied and excluded.
I’m sorry to hear that you went to go through all that.. It sucks.
From my experience, I went through something similar, and I guess th worst part was that I was mad at myself for letting him treat me that way (still am, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely forgive myself), but now I don’t think about it so much. What I do know is that I will never let anyone else treat me like crap, cus I know I don’t deserve it. Do you relate with this at all?
I do understand where you’re coming from and I think it’s amazing you have the self-confidence to say that nobody is allowed to treat you like that…but with me…I take whatever affection I can get…that’s what ugly people tend to do
Why are you putting yourself in an “ugly” category? That does not exist, it is all made up by stupid society. I bet you are way more beautiful than what you can see. You need to be comfortable with yourself, accept who you are, and start loving yourself (now that’s the harder part, I’m still struggling w it). Once you do this, even if just a little bit, you will see how you do not deserve someone treating you badly. Because you don’t!! You need to think of yourself a little bit higher.
I suggested an exercise for someone else from here as well, and I think it could help you as well: everyday, when you wake up, write one word that describes you, a positive comment, as there are no negative things allowed in this list!! And you will start coming up with a list, and you will be able to look at it and see how you are cutting yourself short. So now, get your ass up from bed, go get a piece of paper and write “1. Beautiful”. I’m giving you that word 🙂