I’m a mess

All my life I was bullied. I was called names, threatened, beat up, and almost molested. For once I just wanted to be happy again but I couldn’t be happy anymore because my past life has been haunting me. I scare myself with my own thoughts. I self-harm. I have a depressive disorder. My insecurities and thoughts are killing me. all I do is throw a fake smile and pretend nothing happened. I cry myself to sleep every night. I suffer everywhere. I never get to smile and mean it for the whole day. I tell people to stop cutting but yet I can never stop myself. I’m never good enough, no matter what I say or do. I can’t always pretend that I’m okay, I’m hopeless and helpless.. I’m tired. I just want to die. I’m tired of getting put down, tired of my insecurities, tired of crying, tired of liars, and I’m tired of being tired. I hate myself and I hate living. I let everyone down and I feel that I will never get bettter. I lay in bed sometimes and think about every posssible thing I fucked up in my life. but for once just once I want people to understand,but no one will ever understand. My only problem is that I can find any reason to cut. No one cares about me. I’m worthless, useless, ugly, and a mess. I have no hope or faith in anything anymore. Suicide is the only thing I seem to think about. I cut myself because i deserve it. One day I’ll disappear and see if that would change anything. I’m done crying, fighting, trying. I’m just done. What i feel now isn’t normal.