Today is bad. I’ve been trying so hard to stop cutting and it was working. For almost a month I resisted and I thought I was better. Until yesterday. It was just one trigger and I had relapsed, which caused me to feel so bad about myself I cut again. It’s like this cycle has no escape. I can’t take anything anymore, I have tiny breakdowns at school, while doing everyday stuff and it feels like I just can’t function anymore. I’m trying, but its so hard, especially having to keep it inside. I made a huge mistake telling my so called friends. Apparently I’m an attention-seeker because I have depression and self harm. My parents emotionally abuse me and my father has been cheating on my mom for a while now. I just don’t know who to turn too, what to do. It’s like I’m choking on air, and it feels like I can’t breathe a lot of the time. Only two people know, and if I tell them I relapsed they’ll get angry. They have before. I don’t know how I sunk so deep, but I can’t get out. It’s like I’m just going deeper into the ground, and no one can see me anymore.
I wish there was an easy way to stop. I think the worse thing is that before, a few months ago when it was bad, but still not as bad as it is now, suicide seemed absurd and completely drastic. I wouldn’t have considered it because of my friends, my family, everything.
Now it’s actually becoming a choice. I consider it every day. My friends wouldn’t care, they pick fights with me for being quiet or not going to the movies or somewhere with them anyway. My parents just don’t care, too wrapped up in their own problems. Nobody else is here for me. Suicide would get me out of this hell, help me escape the monsters in my head.
It’s bad tonight I just can’t deal with it anymore. Help.
4 comments
hey, I’m here for you.
Yeh it’s hard not to cut.. I have been able to not do it for a few days cus I’ll be with at my grandmas this weekend and it would kill her if she noticed anything. But the temptation is too much.. I really want to do it. Maybe I’ll do very tiny ones that won’t be as noticable.
It sucks you are going through all that with your family.. does your mom know about your dad cheating? If not, you shouldnt have to keep that to yourself.. it’s too much weight to be on you.
Well, I know it’s not the same as having your friends, but if you ever want to talk, I’m here to listen. My email is claire.01tt @gmail.com (without the space) – pretty similar to your username lol.
And I agree, suicide is such an apealing option. For me it will be the only option, but not for now, soon I hope tho.
You were telling me in my post to get someone to talk to, and I feel you might need the same – so I’m here 🙂
If cutting is anything like using heroin I know how you feel… I hated needles until I used for the first time. I felt like I was floating in a world of euphoria and ecstasy… To the point if I didn’t have any dope I would shoot water or alcohol just for the feeling of the needle piercing my skin. Also when my ex left me I felt so overwhelmingly horrible I put cigarettes out on my hands. My track marks have faded as did the scars on my hands but when I look at them I can feel the pain all over again. I agree it’s hell but there’s always hope… If a junkie like me can get sober and stop hurting myself an intelligent person as yourself can too. There’s always hope… Ad hopefully I helped a little… Keep posting! Togeather we are a force greater than ourselves and can solve problems that seemed unsolvable. Hold on! Things will get better.
Hang in there, pretending things are OK are sometimes the only thing you can do, my shrink even told me that. Please think before you cut. I used to think that people that cut were just stupid or doing it for shock value but when my daughter started doing it I realized differently. All I can say about your parents that does not sound like a good situation to be in, could you maybe go and live with your grand parents or someone you can trust?
I am not anti suicide as I feel that is my inevitable destiny, but you still being is school have a lot of things ahead of you. I personally do not believe that suicide should be a viable option until you’re around 26. School sucks! It did when I was there and it does now, your a stronger person than I am for going through it. The one thing that has not changed is everything is different after school is over. Maybe sit down and make a bucket list then you’ll have something to strive for and look forward to.
As who do you talk to that is the hard part, forums like this are one outlet. From some of the terms you used it sounds like you may have had a therapist they are good to talk to about some things but if you use the words suicide or self harm they will commit you, I would recommend against that. Friends and people you know will most likely be of little help unless they are true friends and believe me they are far and few between. As I mentioned before the Internet can be a good place to talk anonymously with others that are going through the same thing you are. The other thing you can do is write down your thoughts when they happen, just don’t use paper write in a password protected and encrypted document (cause if they find your paper you’ll be put in a hospital trust me).
I hope any of my rant helps.
I know how hard it is stop cutting yourself but you can do it, if someone like me with the life that i had did it, you can too.
if you need someone to talk, we all are here for you.