So I’ve had suicidal thoughts most of my life, and they were never really this bad before, but lately, the last few months, it’s been an almost constant companion in my head. It’s gotten so bad it’s really all I can think about. I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
What’s really not helped is I feel my partner of three years slipping away and nothing I do helps. He’s always so busy, weeks go by without seeing him. I wanted us to spend his easter break together, get away for a day trip or something and reconnect. Just some alone time, but got an email today, before I even got to suggest my idea, that he’s off to spend easter weekend with his roomates family. I can see him the night before he leaves but I can’t, not feeling like this, and not knowing he’s going with people I loathe. Fucking toothless hillbillies that kill whatever they eat and post pics of them proudly holding the dead animals on facebook. You’d really choose that over being with me? Three years and you don’t see?
I’ve been feeling so lost and alone these past months and when I try to let him know that I need help it’s like I’m invisible. To him everything is fine. But if it’s fine why do I feel black and raw inside? Like my head is going to explode and my heart aches constantly. I just want to keep sleeping so the pain goes away for a few hours and I can not feel like this.
I think I’d like to do it over the weekend while he’s away, but I don’t know how. I’d just want to drift away peacefully and not feel like this anymore.
1 comment
Do something nice for yourself instead of killing yourself.
It will make you feel better and have the added benefit of making you more attractive to your boyfriend, meaning he’s more likely to put you first in the future.