I don’t know how to start this.. I pretty much decided to make this to be able to vent about everything. My life is eating me up day  by day now.. It started when my dad had died. Suicide got to him. It was last year, January 7th. I know, I know, dude that was a year ago why are you finally talking about it? How about this- I didn’t have as much depression until now. Not many people understand how fucked up you can get from a suicide, bullying, and no one caring.. Everyone thinking that you’re fine. When in reality, you’re not. My mum made me start going to a counselor, but I haven’t seen her in about four months… only because I lie to her and tell her I’m o.k. But it’s kinda beneficial to me.. I mean, they’re MY problems, I need to learn how to deal with them on my own..
Now back to why I’m really here writing this, I haven’t had this many suicidal thoughts in my life since the sixth grade. Each day I think- “Is it really worth it? Would anyone even care? What would you be accomplishing if you went forward with this? When? Where? What would you even say in your goodbye letter? Would you even have one?” But I am 80 percent sure that suicide will be my reason of death. Maybe not now, but it could be in a month, year, decade, who knows?  I know how it will happen though.. I will pass the exact way my dad went, overdosing. Not messy, not painful, and it is easy. Why you ask? Simple, I’m done with life.. I have no meaning here on this earth anymore.
Next, The whole story about my dad. His death was claimed to be “accidental” but I honestly don’t know what to think. As a fifteen year old reality opens up to you a lot more. You just have to have the right maturity level to realize it’s real. I was on the phone with him the night before he died, You don’t care I’m telling you the story do you? It’s not like any of you will be reading this.. We had gotten into a fight. I was pretty pissed off, I don’t remember why exactly, but I don’t bother stressing about it. He was living in California at the time.. He moved there when I was about 12. To live with my aunt, I would visit him in the summer and talk to him on the phone almost every day so it was like he was here… but not here. Y’know? Anyways, that night I was getting so agitated he kept asking what was wrong, I kept saying “nothing, I’m fine dad ok?” he knew I was lying.. “Whats wrong? Talk to me.” Anything I told him was kept secret from my mum. They split when i was 9 years old, and barely contacted each other, he was the person that I always would tell my day to, my thoughts to, everything. Finally, he asked one last time with my reply being “God dad I said I was fine ok?! Just leave it alone I don’t even want to talk on the phone right now!” (Something along those lines.. It was over a year ago) So he said back “Ok, ok. I’m sorry. I’ll just talk to you tomorrow ok? I love you.” With my last words being “Whatever, bye.” with him saying his final goodbyes to me as well.. Not realizing that would be my last conversation with him… Ever.
That next day I tried calling him. No answer. My father was one to always answer or text me back within five minutes, always. If he was about to get shot he’d risk his life just to message me back. Ten minutes passed,… Nothing. I tried calling him again, still no answer. An hour passed and I got worried. I texted him.. Nothing. I was filled with a bad feeling that something had happened but I just ignored it thinking to myself that he had just lost his phone again. Around seven o’clock my mum was downstairs, I was upstairs reading.. She got a call from my aunt. I didn’t hear that my aunt called called until until she said “Barbara, (My aunts name) Barbara, Calm down. Deep breaths, Now say it a little slower.. What happened?” I went and sat on my stair case and my mum looked at me with concern. Once she got off the phone I immediately asked “It’s dad isn’t it?” She bit her lip and nodded her head. I went and sat next to her and she explained what my aunt had said “She told me that she found him on his bed.. He overdosed.” My aunt blamed herself.. They got in a fight earlier that day because he got into her medicine cabinet to grab some painkillers for his back. She yelled at him, he yelled back and then it resulted with her throwing the whole capsule of pills at him. He stormed off into his room and she believes that he accidentally took one too many and took a nap.. Resulting in dying in his sleep. That isn’t the case. From my point of view it seems like that would have been way to played out. You can’t take a bottle of pills and not have any of them kick in thirty minutes after the fact, he probably thought it over, laid down on his bed, then decided to do it. Making it seem accidental, ending his life in the simplest way. But I don’t tell people my theory, because I don’t personally know what had happened and what he was thinking, and I won’t know. Until I’m dead.
Three months later my aunt couldn’t take anymore of the guilt and anxiety, she passed away too. I’m not going into depth with her story, because  knew it was coming. I talked to her only about four times within that time period.. She wasn’t doing well at all. In and out of the hospital, missing out on meals, not going to her classes (She was a Philosophy teacher at a university) it was bad. The best part was the fucking coroners office only ran two tests to see why she died. Toxin tests, both coming out negative, and so they couldn’t run anymore because she was already cremated. Bastards… She had an attack. That’s all I know, stress, guilt, she blamed herself for my dad’s death. It wasn’t her fault though..
Back to everything else, I’ve been bullied since I was in fifth grade. My hair, my face, my weight. But the thing is.. I was never “fat” I was one of the skinniest kids in my class. It was really stupid. People are stupid, I kept getting nicknames throughout 5-8th grade. I tried dealing with it. Really. The closest I’ve ever came to suicide was in sixth grade was when I saw a knife on the table and brought the blade up to my neck. Only because I was terrified of death and wanted my nightmares to end. But death is unavoidable. No one knows that… and now I’m sharing it with whoever reads this. Finally, ninth grade came. I started realizing more and more things, reality hitting me in the face, I turned cruel. My names were “Whore, *****, Slut” I don’t let that bother me. I am a *****, I don’t care really. I am not a whore or a slut though nor will I ever be. People don’t know the definition of those two words. I have NOT slept with a guy, EVER. But that doesn’t get to me as much as being called ugly, and fat. If you took a photo of me two years ago, wait.. no. Nine months ago, and a photo of me now, you wouldn’t be able to recognize me. Because I let people get to the best of me, and let them change me. The fat part? I workout every single day now.. Just to be skinny, I even considered anorexia. I didn’t go through with it though so I went to cutting. It seems to take all of my problems away..
I honestly forget why I am making this. Because I want to die? I don’t like our society anymore… People are doing drugs now, our average IQ is getting lower and lower, war is becoming more common. I feel like it’s just in America though. I don’t want my son or daughter talking about how they’re going to be a parent at 16 years old, that isn’t right. People aren’t right. I just.. I wish people would snap back into reality and grow the fuck up.
I don’t have much more to say.. But I will probably be making one of these each day. I don’t plan on telling you my name anytime soon. So stay put. If you want me to talk about a certain topic, great. I might get to it.
Just.. Make sure when people talk to you, you’re in your right mind. So you know how to respond. This isn’t the 70’s anymore.
-She’s Just Depressed .
3 comments
You’ll be ok, because you are not your dad, and because you never know when the next best year of your life will be. Hang in there, I know you will be fine.
I look forward to reading more. You’re very fluid and talented with a pen. (Or keyboard, in this case) You said that probably no one would read that post. I did. And I want to hear more from you. I am also a cutter, I know the release it gives, but I also know other’s don’t get it. We do what we have to do, right?
Based on your mention of California, I will assume that you live in the United States. I would like to point out that the future is not all doom and gloom. But first I would like to start with a joke I think you might like (answer at the end): “What is the difference between the United States and yogurt?”
Hopefully this information brightens your day a little bit, knowing the world is a little better than you thought it was.
“People are doing drugs now.”
Perhaps. But to avoid debating the merits of drug legalization, I will sidestep the issue except for saying that perhaps some of the additional drug use is that we (as a society) now have the free time to consume mind-altering substances (drugs, alcohol, etc.) in our increased leisure time.
“[O]ur average IQ is getting lower and lower”
“Since the early 20th century, raw scores on IQ tests have increased in most parts of the world.[31][32][33] When a new version of an IQ test is normed, the standard scoring is set so performance at the population median results in a score of IQ 100. The phenomenon of rising raw score performance means if test-takers are scored by a constant standard scoring rule, IQ test scores have been rising at an average rate of around three IQ points per decade. This phenomenon was named the Flynn effect” (Wikipedia: Intelligence Quotient; verified by other sources).
Still, I am frustrated to see the massive quantity of uneducated people – or even lack of effort people put into their education.
“[W]ar is becoming more common.”
Or maybe we just hear about it more. Still, I agree, there is too much war.
“I feel like it’s just in America though.”
Other countries have their own problems. But still, there are still countries that I’d happily switch with any day. For example, universal health care is found in most developed nations, except the United States.
I don’t want my son or daughter talking about how they’re going to be a parent at 16 years old, that isn’t right.”
“In 2010, the teenage birth rate in United States reached a historic low: 34.3 births per 1,000 women aged 15–19” (Center for Disease Control)
And finally, the answer to the joke:
“What is the difference between the United States and yogurt?”
If you leave one of them alone for 200 years it will grow a culture.