my post of no importance #1

I am Jacqueline, most call me jackie, but I prefer my full name because it’s beautiful to me. I am a poet, i write about whatever I feel, some poems are from my point of view some are from anothers. I’m thirteen, I live in the u.s. in illinois in a city part of the “heart of illinois” as they call it. But this city certainly doesn’t have a heart. Our city is so messed up, we have more people getting murdered in a day than there are scars on my arm and ankle, and I have more than just a few scars. This city practically sets the scene for my downfall. I went to the same stuck-up private rich kids school for six grades until I finally had enough of constantly dreading school, fearing what would come next, and being non-stop bullied. I was even afraid of the teachers! And it was a christian school too! You’d expect it to be all holy and serene all the time…nope. I wish. but nope. so finally i got my mom to transfer me to one of my city’s many public schools where I would be for the next two grades of junior high. I had never been so clueless in my life. I only knew one person, who would later commit to killing part of me. and that lovely person isss *drum roll* MY [EX]BEST FRIEND! and she certainly didn’t help anything. my first thought when I walked into the school was probably something like: “omg i’m freaking out…look normal…look normal…look normal, omg why is everybody-” gonna not tell you the last part….ha. so the gist of my situation is that back then, I was really shy, I hated coming out of my comfort zone, i did not like change at all, and when I was openly fed to a whole other world that i had never seen before….i did what my instincts told me…freaked out. only on the inside though of course, first day freak outs were looked down on by my dignity. I made two friends the first day, both are curently good friends. over the course of the week, i adjusted to the school and all it’s strange ghetto qualities. I eventually did change, a lot. The once shy girl is now a social star. the once barely has any friends girl, can become friends with probably anyone. And the once everything else, has changed as well. I can’t even tell you what this school has done to my innocence (no i havn’t done anything like…y’know) but despite the good, there is bad. why would i be on this site otherwise? I can’t explain in full detail of everything that happened but i just tell you a bit. my once bestfriend yelled so much shit at me and called me all the names and told me what a shit i am and….anyways…she tried beating me up, i’ve been constantly bullied for random crap, and have been made self consious about my body, I used to look in the mirror knowing I was beautiful but now i’d give anything to change my reflection, I’m constantly over-hearing how fat some girls are and the girls who are “fat” look so skinny, and i’m a bit bigger than them, that must mean i’m like a fucking whale…so I stop eating for a few days, then eat, then stop again, then eat. but i still look at myself and say, your so fat and ugly, how does anybody like you? no wonder your lonely. no wonder. anyways. last year around the beginning of october i used a mechanical pencil to ‘cut’ although i didn’t classify it as cutting at first. It kinda just reddened my skin at first but then i ran the same letter into my skin over and over pushing down harder each time until i started bleeding a little. i have scars now from that with a big heart and words saying ‘bye love’ although you can’t see the words anymore because of the scars that have piled over it. then during december I cut with an actual razor, only not on the underside of my wrist, I didn’t want to accidentally cut my veins so i cut on the upperhand side. I know, wimpy right? now i have about 44 scars in about the first four inches of my wrist… my ankle has a smiley face and 5 cut lines forever etched into my skin. 🙁 but i’m still holding on, jacqueline’s hanging to the last glimmer of hope she’s got while her own body is out to murder her in her sleep. but with all seriousness… I love you all for being there when I needed someone to be there ^_^. <3
that concludes my post of no importance.