My Story

I have attempted suicide 3 times.   Two were almost successful.   My family was so surprised,  I was surprised they were surprised.  I felt like I was yelling it from the rooftops.  I suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, I have lost so much of what I wanted to this disease that even when I am not depressed I consider ending it all.    The first time I attempted suicide I took a massive overdose.   Unsuccessful obviously.  I was hospitalized for a week.  Last fall, I climbed over a bridge rail, a very tall bridge which I won’t name.  It was so well planned.  It just happened 2 plain clothed police officers were close by and they arrested me.  I was hospitalized for 3 months.  What has changed between now and then is this.  We all think that leaving this world will be better, anything could be better than this.  My psychiatrist asks me, what if it’s worse, or even the same.  What happens after death is unknown.  What if you hurt so many people to end up with the same pain, or even worse that you were so desperate to leave.  This unknown has kept me on this earth for over a year.  It may not be enough at some point, but it is for now.