Dear younger me,
I know you’re hurting, I remember how it felt to live in the chaos that was our mind. You’ve been through way more than a kid ever should, and you’re scared. The people you call your parents let you down, time and time again. I know it breaks your heart to not feel loved by them. I know it hurts when those kids at school call you names, ignore you or hurt you. I’ll be honest, it still haunts me sometimes.
I feel so sorry for what happened to you when you were 12. He broke your trust and left a mark on you that can never be erased. You were so young, you didn’t even know what it meant when he touched you. You just knew it was wrong, and you blamed yourself for not being strong enough to stop him. I will never forget how dirty it felt when he finally let us go. Just know, you will get through the pain he left you with. It will take a damn long time, and alot of revisiting that day. It’ll be terrifying to face those memories but you’re not going to have to do it on your own. You’ll have a great man by your side, and he’ll teach you what love actually is. He’ll be there for you, through all the panic attacks, hysterical crying and times when you completely shut down. He will put a ring on your finger and give you the future you deserve.
Things with your parents will get worse before they get better, but you’ll understand them more and more as you get older. I can’t promise you a stable relationship with dad yet, but I can tell you that you and mom will grow so much together. I know she seems so far away from you, but you just don’t understand what she’s going through yet. You’ll get through this together, I promise. Sadly, your little brother will have to go through the same pain with your dad as you did. Seeing that happen is gonna hurt, and you’ll feel so powerless. But he’ll confide in you, and your bond will grow stronger than ever before. He too will grow old and wise enough to deal with these difficult situations, trust me.
Things are going well. Honestly. It’s gonna take you a while but please, hold on. You will find people who genuinly love you. You’ll have true friends, people who you can rely on. You’ll finally find your way in this big, scary world. You’ll work though your traumas, and learn how to cope with your BPD – getting that diagnosis will make things so much clearer.
I’m proud of you. Eventhough you still feel so lost at times, you’re so strong. You are a fighter, you can do this. Did I mention that by the time you’re this age, you haven’t picked up a blade in about 2 years? Hang on, little me. Some things will get rough but baby, it’s so worth it to fight through it.
You will find your way, and remember: “It’s okay to not be okay”.
We made it.
I love you,
Your 22 year old self.